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1/10
What's wrong with the Australian film industry?
16 November 2005
Warning: Spoilers
What's wrong with the Australian film industry? Crap like this! I know it was meant to be a black comedy, it was as funny as a day in Dachau. My wife and I were trying to think of a worse Aussie movie and that was difficult, although Lantana came close. William McInnes was wasted in this waste of film stock, he probably only made the movie to stop his missus nagging him. The animated scenes were noisy and intrusive and only emhasised the neuroses of the sad painter sheila. As for the reporter, he had all the scruples of a drug dealer and the editor wasn't much better. I wasted $14 on tickets for this movie, next time I'm putting the dough on a 33 to 1 shot at the races.
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Nighty Night (2004–2005)
Is this comedy?
24 March 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Don't get me wrong I like macabre humour, Little Britain is really funny because it's so bizarre. Now this show isn't even funny. After ten minutes I thought I was watching some reality show! Neither my wife or I had cracked a smile much less falling about laughing. That was when we made the decision to change channels and watch a Lifestyle show about funerals (which was much funnier) This show was on the Australian Broadcasting Corporation channel and I suspect the mandarins there must have a different sense of humour to the rest of the population. A person would get more laughs pulling out their fingernails with a pair of pliers than watching this crock.
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2/10
Gross Flagwaver (spoilers)
5 March 2004
Warning: Spoilers
I'm glad I saw this on pay TV, at least I never parted up with the readies at the movies. This load of crap is even worse than a John Wayne war movie. The Vietcong are (as usual in U.S. Movies) a gang of mindless pyschopaths. Let's face it so were the Native Americans in Wayne cowboy movies. All it lacked was the token Polack, Italian, African American etc spouting homilies about what they were defending. The Americans are pure and noble defenders of truth, justice etc etc. I shudder to think of what Gibson will do with Passion of Christ. Cliche count is high and violence is also over the top.As I watch these sort of movies I wind up cheering for the bad (?) guys. My advice is :Stay home or don't hire the video!!
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Fireflies (2004 TV Movie)
1/10
The usual suspects (spoilers)
9 February 2004
Warning: Spoilers
The ABC gears up it's repertory company for another unrealistic representation of rural Australia. Yes folks, it's all there Baca Bourke (Jeremy Sims,an actor of little talent) Fire hero , Lill (Libby Tanner plays Bronwyn Craig in the bush), Fifi (Nadia Townsend) town slut, preggers by Baca's brother Joe (I think). Then there's Uncle Geoff the, Big Daddy of Lost Springs. Uncle Geoff's scenes are like Tennessee Williams on speed. Only saving grace is Russian actress Natalia Novikova as Baca's loony missus. She is great. I can't understand why John Waters took the gig as Lilly's psychologist husband. Must have needed the money I expect! Still, he won't last long as Lill and Baca will be having it off toute suit. Just watch this lemon to see how bad an Aussie show can be. Frankly, I'm ashamed.
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I Saw You (2002– )
1/10
Cold Feet revisited (Spoilers)
11 November 2003
Warning: Spoilers
Fay Ripley plays a 30(?) something slapper with the morals of an alley cat. Her ex is a wussy bloke who gets jealous because he sees her snogging a hooray henry who turns out be a member of the aristocracy (he's also a wuss)Ho hum here we go again in another 30 somethings comedy [sic] of errors.So B-o-o-o-o-oring! (as my 14 year old Grand daughter would say)
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Runaway Jury (2003)
7/10
What have they done to my book? (Spoilers)
8 November 2003
Warning: Spoilers
The answer is mangled it! Dustin Hoffman plays Dustin Hoffman with a corn pone accent, Gene Hackman plays Gene Hackman and John Cusack plays a nice guy who hates the baddies. Watch out for Marguerite Moreau as Gene Hckman's PA. This actrine has specialised in vampire babes, now she has an opportuinity to turn in a convincing performance. Or is it just because I like attractive 20 something brunettes (Chauvinist pig or Dirty old man?)
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10/10
Top Aussie caper movie
17 October 2003
David Wenham steals the show as the spaced out junkie "Spit". His performance in the tribunal scene is one of the greatest comedy scenes I've ever seen in a movie. This performance took it from just another caper movie to a really good movie. Freya Stafford was wasted as the juvenile love interest, she can handle meatier roles than this. Gary Sweet as good as ever and the rest of the cast was world class. Don't miss this one!
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Hearts of Gold (2003 TV Movie)
1/10
Cliche Ridden soaper (Spoilers)
12 October 2003
Warning: Spoilers
This soaper doesn't miss a cliche. The poor girl , the slimey doctor played by Jeremy Sheffield (Alex Adams, Holby City) who beds her and shoots through.All the stereotypes are there: Dad, the Communist miner sacked by the unfeeling bosses, self sacrificing Mum, the brother who becomes a prize fighter to put food on the table, little sis who goes shoplifting to get a new pair of boots and the heroine who took up nursing because the family couldn't afford for her to be a doctor. Thankfully there are no whippets or racing pigeons (how they missed out on these cliches of working class life I'll never know). This series is an insult to anyone's intelligence.
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Identity (2003)
10/10
Chiller thriller (spoilers)
8 August 2003
Warning: Spoilers
This is the sort of good movie that used to be made in the 30's and 40's. In those days black and white, but this modern style in colour adds to the horror effect. John Cusack as Ed gives his usual completely professional performance. I don't think this bloke has ever made a bad movie. Like "Mulholland Drive" I didn't have a clue what it was all about when I walked out of the theatre. I'm just staring to work it out now, two days later. ("Mulholland Drive" I've still got to work out) This is 21st century cinema noir! Don't miss it!
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Amélie (2001)
1/10
French fantasy (Spoilers ahead)
29 July 2003
Warning: Spoilers
This movie is a complete waste of film stock. I suggest the producers should have bought the stock and then used it to light a barbaque. I was seduced into watching this disjointed fantasy about a half witted young woman and a collection of losers. Is the boy friend's name Nincompoop in English? At least I never paid good money to see it at the movies (it was on Cable TV but I wasted my time)!!
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Onkel Dolf vy do you make me do bad tings? (Spoilers)
14 July 2003
Warning: Spoilers
Some may say drama but I nominate this dog as high comedy, this is going to be the camp movie of the 21st century. I'm sure Robert Carlyle paid to be cast as the loony Kraut leader, his performance is outstanding from the spitting out bits of cake as he raves on, to the crazy staring eyes and the general air of complete psychosis. Just love the way he perves on his yummy niece, you just know bad stuff is going to go down. Rent it out and sit back with a six pack of your favourite brew and laugh yourself silly. p.s. check the fox terrier bit out in WW1 ( this bloke wasn't even kind to animals)
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9/10
County Cork Revisited
13 June 2003
This series goes a long way to explain why millions of people emigrated from Ireland ( North and South) for over a hundred years. Firstly the weather (it is always raining), secondly the religious intolerance and finally the absolute hopelessness of ever achieving any sort of a decent standard of living. My Dad was from Belfast in the North and he refused to go back (even for a visit) because he knew that it wouldn't have changed. Don't think it isn't in the interests of the powers that be ( In Dublin and London) to keep promoting sectarian violence. Yes, I have been to Ireland, this isn't just a comment from someone who has never left Australia!
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The Lost Battalion (2001 TV Movie)
1/10
Amerika Triumphs again (Spoilers included)
6 February 2003
Warning: Spoilers
"Gott und himmel zese Amerikaners fight like wild men" This is the comment of one of the papier mache Germans in this complete waste of film stock. Every cliche, of every American war film is in this clunker. For example "Who would have thought that a parcel of Wops, Polacks, Jews and Micks could beat the best of the German army?" My answer is well they always have in the past so what's new?
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1/10
Showcase for Jim Carrey's lack of talent? **Spoilers follow
27 November 2002
Warning: Spoilers
I'm sure Jim Carrey's mum thinks he's funny. I didn't. Perhaps the worst thing about this movie is the foul language used by his African American sons. The f word was repeated constantly without a leavening of humour. There was basically no plot except for Carreys facial contortions. He is the unfunniest comedian I've ever seen. I made the decision to switch off halfway through this lemon and haven't regretted it. I suspect the demographic audience was teenage youths. This movie is WORSE than "The Tiger Woods Story"
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5/10
How to get accepted for guard duty in the Wermacht
23 September 2002
"Who shall we put on sentry duty herr leutenant?" "Who do we have that has poor eyesight?" "Fritz Schmidt, my leader!" "Put him on sentry duty because the Screaming Eagles Amerikaner paratroopers are sneaking up on us" "Jawohl" This just about sums up this flagwaver. I wound up feeling sorry for the krauts. This sad series is in the John Wayne tradition of impossible feats of arms by Americans. I suppose if it makes the average Yank feel good, it has some therapeutic value for the nation. (Bet George dubya bought the DVD)
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MDA (2002–2005)
Ho hum
22 September 2002
I thought the ABC had got over this sort of thing with the terminally boring ( and unlamented) G.P. This dog of a series is rating in the pits in Australia. It's the standard ABC repertory company offering. If Gary Sweet, Callan Mulvey or Bill Hunter appears in an upcoming ep I for one am going to put my foot through the TV. Kerry Armstrong plays a pathetic user (suprise ,suprise) and the rest of the cast are as pitiful. Avoid if possible!!
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White Collar Blue (2002–2003)
Cop show with a difference
29 August 2002
Remember where you heard it first, fans. The new Cate Blanchett is on the block. Her name is Freya Stafford. Looks good, NIDA graduate, can act and is going to go a long way.The show has intelligent, realistic plots and a capable cast. Pity it's on the teeny boppers channel in Australia (Network Ten) Ratings haven't been real good yet, but this show is going to take off. Sue Masters (ex Australian Broadcasting Corporation) is the Executive Producer which means the show has go to be classy.
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No Bananas (1996– )
10/10
What Class Struggle
27 August 2002
Warning: Spoilers
When the first ep started I thought "OH Oh Pommy Class differences again, Ho hum" But as it progressed (spoiler coming up)I started to laugh. At the wedding with Gran as drunk as a Skunk giving the toffs the rounds of the kitchen e.g. "If she hadn't have got her knickers off in such a hurry, our lad would have married a nice East End girl!" US of A viewers can contact me for a glossary of terms. Do not miss this under any circumstances!!
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Changi (2001)
6/10
Aussies in a POW Camp
4 April 2002
A great example of sloppy writing and no research. As another reviewer has said " A cut and paste of 'Bridge on the River Kwai','Hogans Heroes' and the 'Singing Detective'. The writer, John Doyle has admitted he didn't ask for and never got any technical assistance. when the series went to air old Diggers who were ex POWs said "He made it look like we had three years at the Changi Hilton, with an excursion to a railway site". Most glaring errors were 1) The lads saluted a corporal.. Not even in the Italian Army does anyone salute a corp. 2) People saluted officers when the weren't wearing hats.. One of the great advantages of the Australian Army is and was if you haven't got your hat on you don't need to salute and officer. Doyle has seen too many American movies where you can salute an officer when you are not wearing a hat. 3)Notice how the slouch hats are always turned up?..Believe me, first opportunity the brim is turned down all around! Finally, not all Australians are half witted yobbos. Some of us have read a book and had some form of education. The series is flawed, but is almost close to the way the national spirit used to be. Sadly, Aussies aren't like this any more. We are a pack of wimps that take our cell phones to war with us so we can call our girl friends.
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Betty Blue (1986)
10/10
Wow!!
23 March 2002
Married for 40 odd years to a lady who can go ballistic any time at all and a fiery daughter, after seeing this movie they're pussy cats!! Betty is off the planet!! I saw this after seeing "Raise the Red Lantern" so it's looney tune chicks (or as they say in french 'Poules')rule Go Betty, you're a ton of fun (or a disaster area)Zorg has my sympathy!!
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In Harm's Way (1965)
2/10
Mediocre flag waver
10 February 2002
Not the worst movie I've ever seen (that title is still held by "The Tiger Woods Story") but pretty bad. John Wayne who was 4E during WW2 and did not hear a shot fired in anger is his usual heroic self,Kirk Douglas (with that chin)goes on a suicide mission after getting a Nurse preggers. The usual Hollywood load of crap. If you're an Aussie watch for Stanley Holloway as the Aussie coast watcher. Hilarious.
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1/10
Bad Hobbits
30 December 2001
Gee, I'm happy I never wasted any money buying Tolkein's books. I wasted too much paying to see the movie ( a whole $7.00)This movie runs for 178 bladder twisting minutes. It should be cut to the twenty minutes that the delectable Cate Blanchett appears, as she is that gorgeous one could just gawp at her ad infinitum. As for the rest of the cast, a good bath wouldn't hurt them.
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Lantana (2001)
1/10
Pity they didn't hire a script writer
9 November 2001
The only Oz movie I can remember that is worse than this is "Bliss", at least nobody could understand Bliss unless they had consumed prohibited substances. I see it was adapted from a play which is about talking, well the scriptwriter had a holiday on this lemon. Time and time again I've gone to movies the critics loved and found them a)incomprehensible or b) just boring. This movie is just boring. Wooden performances by LaPaglia, Rush (the world's most overrated actor) are counter balanced by soapie performances from Kerry Armstrong and Rachael Blake, who definitely need formal training in acting. I can't understand how Barbara Hershey got a part maybe it was be kind to hasbeens week. My big regret is i paid good money to see this garbage. There have been worse movies... like the "Tiger Woods Story"
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10/10
A war movie that is authentic
29 July 2001
Well, I've just seen this movie and am completely blown away. After the US jingoistic crap of Pearl Harbor, Private Ryan and Thin Red Line a movie about real people with B.O and dirty fingernails was refreshing.

Also there was no Private Snopkowski making wisecracks. Don't miss this one fans!!!!
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Pearl Harbor (2001)
1/10
A Movie that's worse than the "Tiger Woods Story"?
12 June 2001
It's difficult to imagine but this is worse than the "Tiger Woods Story" I think that they should have saved some of the reported huge budget and hired decent script writers. I feel conned by falling for the hype and sitting through three hours of this rubbish.I'm not complaining about the historical inaccuracies, simply about the lack of a plot which wasn't an insult to one's intelligence!!!
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