Change Your Image
thunderpuppy
Ratings
Most Recently Rated
Reviews
Æon Flux (2005)
another tick on the "I loved the show, hated the movie" sheet
I'm not an unreasonable person-- I understand that adapting something into a feature film requires... well... adaptation. Direct copying is usually not an option, so source material has to be distilled into a 90-120 minute cohesive whole. Rocky territory.
But what we have here is a substitution of distillation with transferring names from the source. Aeon isn't an ambiguously aligned, S&M rogue; now she's an earnest, serious, driven operative, concerned about her sister. Trevor isn't a megalomaniacal lunatic, playing mind games with his only worthy adversary (and therefore, the only person that excites him); he's a good-hearted leader with a secret, trying to make the world a better place.
On and on... Nothing about this film is even similar to its namesake.
That, and, I look at Charlize's button nose and apple cheeks... one thing Aeon Flux really can't be is "cute." Even unmoored from its impetus (and, honestly, I think naming the film "Aeon Flux" had more to do with marketing than characters or story-- just to lure the fanboys to the theater), the film just can't stand on its own. The acting is past "wooden" and into "walking corpse," the story is a whisper of an idea to prop up lots of empty action scenes, the action is poorly choreographed and as unexciting, and the look of the film is matte and dead (like mid seventies sci-fi, right down to the egg-shaped chairs).
I usually don't pile on to films that have already been IMDb'd to death, but this is exactly the review that would have talked me out of wasting my time. Maybe you don't have to waste yours.
Little Britain (2003)
anglophiles unite
I think the opening covers it: if stuffy, important-sounding English voice overs declaring that Britain has "had running water for over ten years" and "we invented the cat" makes you fall over laughing (those silly guys! Invented the cat! Ha!), this show will probably tickle you. If not, you will probably sit through sketch after sketch of easy, obvious humor. What's this, another punchline based on the character acting stupid? And some mugging, too? Comic genius. If you giggle when a character is obviously gay to us, the audience, but not so obvious to the oblivious caricatures in the sketch, I think we've found a show for you.
It is nice to know that not all British television comedy is solid-- it might make the rest of the world jealous. So it's good to see a BBC program that drags down towards the bottom of the barrel, keeping the lowest common denominator in tact for the world... not just the USA.
Notice, by the way, that this show's most stalwart defenders are Americans-- not only is it popular to champion American garbage, but if you give it an accent, it is immediately brilliant. Remember, just because they're English doesn't make them Monty Python-- go watch Spaced instead, if you need to champion a BBC comedy.
Fish in a Barrel (2001)
Jesus Farted
I've got the strange feeling that someone decided that a splicing of Kevin Smith and Quentin Tarantino would be both funny and cool. but even if you like both filmmakers, most will grudgingly admit that their imitators are pretty pathetic.
That's a pretty decent way to review the film: pathetic.
The sort of movie where a frustrated character will yell `Jesus wept!' and the witty retort is volleyed back: `Jesus farted.' No matter how unfunny the punch line is, the joke's setup is equally groan inducing. Someone actually wrote a script where a character is frustrated, and therefore yells "Jesus wept." I think it's all supposed to be `witty banter' (the truncated back-and-forth runs, rapid fire, into connecting one-liners regarding a store no one can remember the name of)-pointless dialogue that is supposed to be clever.
If you want to see a film that makes you jump up and down and yell `You're not funny!' at the screenwriter, this is your ticket.
Hallow's End (2003)
Dreadful
Horror movies can be a lot of fun with low budgets, bad acting, and a bit of panache. I think the film is just missing panache, because, one thuddingly dull scene after another, people make laughably harmless claw-handed grabs at the air. If it weren't so boring, it might be funny.
A horror film can go a long way with a tired concept like "college kids in a haunted house," in much the same way the Evil Dead movies had a lot of fun with a similar standard plotline. Hallow's End, unfortunately, doesn't go a long way. Actually, it doesn't go anywhere. It spends the better part of an hour setting up faceless and anonymous characters with what seem like endless interpersonal drama. I have nothing against character development, not even in a horror movie, but these are strictly one-dimensional characters (the alpha-male, the milquetoast, the... um... throwaway characters that exist mostly for sex scenes.) Spending forty-plus bloodless, droning minutes with them was more horrific than when the bloodshed started.
Well, implied bloodshed anyway. When the college kids turn into whatever they dressed as for their haunted house (one's a vampire, one's wearing O.R. scrubs and some white pancake) they look pretty much the way they did in their amateur haunted house costumes; The Dead Hate The Living, using a similar theme, is a masterwork in comparison. There isn't really any gore to speak of, nor are there any real scares.
I've thought about this one from almost every approach. If it was supposed to be a tight, suspenseful horror movie (which would explain why things moved so slowly), the pathetic sex scenes and cheap monsters would invalidate it. If it was supposed to be a genuine blood & guts horror movie (which would explain the schlock)... where's the blood and guts? And the anticlimax is one of the unexciting endings to a movie I've ever seen. It's the kind of movie that, though it doesn't have a narrator through the film, is bookended by voice-overs because all of the meaningless dialogue just wasn't enough.
This was a hard one... coming out of it, I wonder if I've just sat through a christian horror film. Maybe the "I know hell exists" of the opening wasn't meant that way, but there are some hints (or misdirection-- I'm not sure which). For all the profanity in the film, a line like "gosh-darnit" comes off a little absurd, and so does most of the crucifix worshipping, god-fearing, and satan-dreading, especially after some lecherous T&A sex scenes (one heterosexual, one lesbian).
If it a christian company (Highland Myst's logo even has a bit of a crucifix resemblance), then this film weighs in heavily for the atheist camp. An omnipotent being can't be this bad a filmmaker.
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)
Funny, and not
This is one of those hard to review hit/miss sorts of films. It's alternately funny and groan-inducing.
There is something cathartic here, something above the level, as well as the forehead-slapping below the bar material. Every time the fourth wall was broken, I slunk in my seat, but...
Jay is fantastic.
(I can't believe I just wrote that). Let me check that line again. Yeah, Jay is fantastic. He's a wild, manic cartoon character, but actually has the good sense to be an enjoyable character. I never thought I'd see the day...
And I didn't dig the fanboy stuff-- I thought a lot of it was forced and self-obsessed. I'm not a Will Farrel fan and I thought the girls (for the most part) were so shrill they were intolerable. But Jay works. All of his over the top monologues rise to the top moments of the film: the email response "You are the ones who are the Ball Lickers!", the Planet of the Apes voice over, the Clit Commander video speech, the determined "and I got punched in the nuts... by a guy named Cocknocker. We're not going home empty handed" speech.
There is even a moment where there is almost humanity in the cartoon: a Jay and Bob moment where Jay gets mad because Bob won't talk. He can "always tell that stupid Amy story, but you can never say 'No Jay, I disagree,' or, 'Yo, Jay, how about some of them cheese fries.'" It's a strange line to walk.
So how to rate it? When it's funny, it's funny. When it's not, it's abysmal (I can't figure out how Ferris Beuler and Cheech & Chong can talk to the camera and do well, and Mark Hammill and Ben Affleck can do it in this movie and just... er... suck. Where's the line, dammit?) In the spirit of this movie, I'm just going to post here and be done with it, and admit I'm sort of interested in what Kevin Smith will do next, now that the madcap binge is out of his system.
Mindwalk (1990)
"Intelligent" and "Good" are not necessarily synonyms.
While the intent of this film is noble enough, and there's certainly no lack of theories and discourse here, I can't go so far as to call it a good movie. I have trouble, at times, putting the image of a writer at his word processor, and barely concealing his philosophical monologue by using three non-characters.
The characters have some backstory; they mention their lives and loves, but are as real and emotive as your average documentary narrators. This is their real function, and while you're with them, you are in a science and philosophy classroom.
Mindwalk reminds me more of a filmstrip than a movie. Plot, characters, story... these mean nothing to Mindwalk. It is a film based on characters waxing scientific and philosophical, using a remarkably dense and simple everyman as a foil. Using this device, they tackle several worthwhile issues, thought processes, and mindsets.
Information and opinions are abundant here, but they don't make a good movie. The delivery is a little condescending, an a little pretentious: its one-sided spearing as the philosophical scientist and the thoughtful poet out maneuver the politician (thus, proving that they are right!) and would have been more honest if they would have packaged the information evenly, instead of spoon-feeding it in the form of fiction.
This film made me want to read. I'd rather read William Blake than have two lines at a time quoted at me (and if I want to have William Blake quoted ad nauseum in a film, I'll just rent Dead Man again). I'd rather read A Brief History of Time-- which is very accessible and easy to read, even for a middlebrow like me-- than have the cliff notes recited to me from the screen.
I suppose I had no idea what to expect, but I was hoping for some sort of a movie. As it stands, Mindwalk will only reach an audience too unmotivated to take in any sort of knowledge beyond the shelves of Blockbuster.
Lost in Space (1998)
The all-shell M&M
Somehow, I knew this movie was going to be an excuse to sell happy meals. I've seen some films that had a few "points of interest" tacked on, but this one was video-game quality special effects, and the rest was attached to the film on a 3M Post It and then glossed over with a shiny lacquer.
The family sentiment and heartfelt emotion isn't built, but slapped onto this movie in the form of one liners. Little girls telling you not to love anything, because you'll only lose it... and then walking away. Does this sentiment play in the movie? Only for the time it takes her to say that line.
Little boy explains friendship to robot in one scene. Hmm... how could this be more transparent?
Action is done cool, with lines like "Pedal to the metal!" "Rock and Roll!" and my favorite: "I don't like the sound of that sound." But the thrill ride everyone seemed so excited about is nothing more than previews for the video game.
The bright spot of this film was Gary Oldman. He hams it up as the whining doctor, but he is also menacing in ways the TV show never was. His innocent smile and reassurances (Yes. I'm a doctor.) are fantastic, and I have a feeling he enjoyed cartooning himself out for this role.
But even if Oldman was an enjoyable cartoon, the movie was shallow. Ankle deep. It makes me remember when I thought Transformers was a wonderful show, and reading the positive reviews here, I smile on that naiveté... and remember my disappointment the first time I saw that show as an adult. It will be quite a shock when they rent Lost In Space for nostalgia's sake and find out what a hollow, soulless commercial it is.
Death Machine (1994)
So far over the top it vaults over the wall
One of the characters yells at his friend: "You just knew Ho-Ho was going to turn out to be the fat, sweaty, desperate psycho!" And of course, we all did too...
There is no question what this movie was. There are even characters named Scott Ridley, Sam Raimi, and John Carpenter. While the surface of the film is a long-corridor (Aliens) horror movie, what lies beneath is sort of a manic, director-oriented comedy that reminds me more of Evil Dead 2 than anything else. The hyper sound to dead silence, the overly dramatic lighting, the first-person Missile Cam, the cool line followed by backlit explosion... it all leans towards a wild but fun ride through all of the most common camp in these types of movies. It's a satire subtle enough to pass as just another bad horror movie, if you're not paying attention.
Brad Dourif (who was B-B-B-B-Billy Buh-Bibbit, a long time ago, and the voice of Chucky-- and might become a little more prevalent in film after being in the upcoming Lord Of The Rings trilogy) is the great shining spot in this film, and alternates from acting well (check out his outpouring at the end) to completely terrible (awful references to hacking... "Molebdenic composite"?). And all of the best subtle jokes are bad guy parodies-- my favorite example is his inability to get his threat right over the monitors: "Turning me off won't turn you off. No. Wait. Turning you off--" click.
But the real flair here is in the direction. None of this would work if it wasn't played half serious with the sights and sounds. As the climax builds, the ambient noise cuts out completely for the doors to chime "Welcome!" cheerily. The HUD from the machine's point of view displays 1P and Hi Score. The Robocop-style machine whirring in the Hardman gear as Raimi actually gets into a fistfight (!) with the machine... there is never any "set 'em up, knock 'em down" standard cue that *these* are the jokes... but there they are. Dig in.
Shakes the Clown (1991)
Are we not clowns?
Henry Rollins broke humanity down, once, into "People who get Devo, and people who don't." You can do the same for this movie... there are people who get it, and people who don't, and you will never, ever convince someone that doesn't get this film that it's enjoyable. Just give up. If they can't see the humor in "Oh great, now I have to kill you too. Another red letter day for Binky..."
Ator 2: L'invincibile Orion (1983)
O, The Invisibility!
This movie forever altered my perceptions of cinema with a single scene. Ator and his sidekick begin to fake being hit, in an empty cave; Ator declares "They're invisible!" Then, they begin to fight invisible enemies in much the same way I and my friends did when we were ten years old.
Because of this... well, every time I see an action movie, all I can think about is children playing. I *love* movies, and-- it's just not fair! Ator has done severe damage to the movie pleasurecenters of my brain.