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postman-13
Reviews
Night Train to Mundo Fine (1966)
Hey Moe, I just threw some guy down a mine shaft!
Ohhh boy, why do I watch these? I do enjoy MST3K making fun of these turkeys, but even they were sore pressed to make anything out of this depressing mish-mash.
Follow now the artistic vision of Coleman Francis. He plays a sociopath who looks, as Kevin Murphy put it, "like Curley Howard possessed by demons from Hell." He joins up with two drifters, and, with help from the flat-faced Cherokee Jack, they join some vague militia force out to invade Cuba.
This brave battle force of about ten or so, after a few minutes of training, consisting of learning to fall and flip each other, finally attack Lake Mead, I mean The Bay Of Pigs. They are immediately captured because they carefully leave their weapons on the beach while they climb the cliffs.
There is an interminably long prison scene, as CF sits facing the camera with his legs spread and smokes. He sniffs a man's torn pant leg and says he has gangrene. There is the famous flub of an executed soldier reappearing as a guard. Castro makes a cameo, complete with a black construction paper beard.
They escape Cuba by breaking a guard's neck while asking for water. Somehow they get back to America (I think,) and dump a skinny cook down a mine shaft while his blind daughter playes demented piano music. At this point, CF declares that his killin' days are behind him, (sure enough, he only shoots one woman after this,) and now he wants to mine tungsten. Huh?
The torn pant leg guy is OK. His wife is OK. Curley/Coleman is hunted down and shot. What I've left out could fill a small paragraph.
Night Train To Mundo Fine, or Red Zone Cuba, (never trust a film with an alias,) hates its viewer. It spits in your eye. It puts cigarettes out in your shoulder (everyone is constantly lighting up, as if the movie was sponsored by Phillip Morris.) It subjects the viewer to John Carradine singing (!!) It submits the viewer to Coleman Francis directing, editing, and acting (!!!!) There are puzzling jump cuts. There are scenes that shift wildly between daylight and murky darkness. There are long pointless scenes, like the "trying unsuccessfully to get the rag top up" scene. There are actors with annoying voices. There are actors with muffled voices. Did I mention that John Carradine sings the theme song?
Ohhh boy, why do I watch these movies?
Ein Toter hing im Netz (1960)
Like being hit by a supermodel with a ball pean hammer
Oh God, was this painful, the most deepest of Deep Hurtings.
The plot seems to have been improvised. Actually, the plot was only partially concealed in those dancer's slit skirts, (some of which were more slit than skirt!) That is to say, scenes were mere contrivances to film the girls in various states of (un)dress as they lolled about this deserted cabin.
All female voices were obviously dubbed by one actress. She'd simply change her accent to differentiate. One line, she changed accents three times on the same actress! Just beautiful!
Many scenes were filmed murkily. The two fight scenes ivolving male cast members were laughably ridiculous. Watch as one guy, holdinga a chair over his head, WAITS for the other guy to get out of the way before he throws it!
Again, I digress. I realize this was just a thinly transparent effort for voyeurs. It's interesting to note what the concept of beauty was 40 years ago. It was different than today, because, like it or not, those grls had more meat to them than the anorexic models of today!
Oh yeah, I think there were spiders on the island, (plastic models, of course.)
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? (1964)
You Feelthy Peegs
Incredibly strange describes this one to a tee. You'll find more ham here than in a dozen hog farms.
There's two of the worst attempts at stereotypical accents, Harold sounds like Latka's neighbor, ("Waat d'yu tink weer heer for, tweet?") and the fortune teller is so over the top with her "jeep-see" dialect I'm surprised she doesn't have a nosebleed.
Also there's Ortega, wearing a rubber mask and an obvious pillow under his coat. He doesn't speak much, our Ortega, he just grunts and puffs away on his Camels.
Ray Dennis Steckler, the director, also stars as a early sixties slacker with a rodent's face. No, not makeup or a mask, that's his real face. He drifts through life until the fortune teller gives him a new career opportunity, mass murderer!
Bizarre music, drug-like dream sequences, pitifully ugly dancer/strippers and singers, interminably long footage of carnivals, and very poor sound round out this one as another MST3K special. I gave it a 2, because I reserve my 1's for painfully bad cinema. This one doesn't maim, it just might cause contusions
Soultaker (1990)
The SOUUUUUUULTAKER!
Oh, Vivian Sterling. Didn't you realize that writing such a movie, and then starring in it, would only bring scorn and ridicule down upon you? It's self-gratuity and ego to the limit. It would be one thing if she was someone well-known. But, be honest, has anyone seen anything else by her?
Then she puts in people like Joe Estevez and the hugely-faced Robert Z'dar. It's just not a pretty sight. Like most people, I saw this on MST3K. It really isn't the worst film they've done. The overall concept probably would have made a good Twilight Zone episode.
Alas, sub par performances by the above actors, as well as some annoying twenty-somethings, skewer this effort. And, I can't remember an actor so wooden as Joe E. Some say this was one of his better roles, playing a zombie like angel of death. I guess there's no wonder there. And this guy is still acting? Like I said in my review of "Werewolf", why doesn't Joe become a lawyer or a goat herd or some vocation where he won't be unfavorably compared to his kin?
I've read where this basic premise has been used in other films, so I guess it's not so bad. That, and Vivian's near-nude bath scene, raise my score to a "3". Good intentions, bad execution.
It Came from Hollywood (1982)
No lack of subjects
A film that I always enjoyed. Various comedians host tributes to some really bad movies. There's one whole section just for Ed Wood. If you like MST3K, you'll like this. In fact, look for Phantom of Krankor in a cameo!
1776 (1972)
A magnificent throwback
Actually, the first film I ever saw in a cinema. I was thoroughly entertained by the humor, music, and drama. As time went on, I discovered that it was more historically accurate than I had thought, although I rather doubt that the delegates did much singing and dancing in foul, fetid, foggy, fuming, filthy Philadelphia! (Sorry, Philly, I'm just quoting one of the songs!)
The music was a throwback to earlier Hollywood musicals, The songs were sung with patriotic passion and zeal by the wonderfully casted actors. Howard DaSilva is a magnificent Franklin. Ron Howard is an understated Jefferson, but there are scenes where he shows a fire burning with the love of his country, (and his wife, Blythe Danner.) William Daniels' Adams is unstoppable in his single mindedness. He will stop at nothing to sever our ties to Great Britain.
The line that stuck with me:Franklin: "We're a new nationality. We require a new nation!" All in all, a 10!
Field of Dreams (1989)
They don't make 'em any better
It's difficult to say if this is a baseball movie. It's really a movie about redemption and reconciliation, using baseball metaphorically. That being said, it IS the best baseball movie, ever.
Granted, Ray and Annie at times seem to still be stuck in the '60's, (Annie actually says "Far out!", and Ray drives a VW microbus with a peace sticker on the windshield). Ex-hippies. Yikes. Also, I didn't realize Boston had such a large Jewish community. It looks as if that's all that's there.
But these quibbles pale when you see the final scene. I won't give it away, I'll just say that I can't watch the ending with a dry eye, and I've seen it at least a dozen times. Costner's inflicted a lot of dogs upon us, but with this one, all is truly forgiven
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
Can we give this one a negative number?
Why, oh why, was there no Surgeon General's warning on the video tape box:"Warning-Watching 'Manos, The Hands of Fate', will remove years from your life!" Yep, folks, it is every bit as bad as everyone says!
The first third of the film is this family driving around aimlessly. They drive. And they drive. Then they drive some more. And when they're through, they drive. The highlights of this part is the thrilling "Getting pulled over for a busted tailight scene", and a scene of a couple out to break the Guinness Book of World Records record for longest time kissing in a car, while drinking what appears to be Coppertone suntan lotion.
Finally, they come to the "Lodge". And now we meet the experience that is, Torgo. Torgo cannot be fully explained. He must be witnessed. But, let's try. He moves about as if he's walking on Jello. He talks in this kind of up-and-down sing song that sounds like someone is giving him a very slow wedgie, kinda like Foster Brooks, and every time anyone asks him a question, he looks like his thinking process has been permanently removed. But he does have delightful theme music, as long as you like four notes being played over and over until blood comes out of your ears.
I thought the best actors were the moths that circled around the lights on every night exterior shot. The master's wives looked hideous. The scene where they're bickering while he's scowling at them is as good a testimony against poligamy as you'll find.
Did anyone count how many times Maggie's (the female victim) kerchief appeared and disappeared? It was really starting to annoy me. How did you like Torgo's "execution"? The biddies slapped and massaged him to death, but at least he was able to walk away. He wanders out of the movie, probably looking for someone to give him a hand! (sorry).
The ending was abomidable. Bad enough we've been subjected to nearly two hours of utter disregard to our psyche, but to offer as climax the father as Torgo-lite, the mother and child (app. six years old!) as new additions to the harem is sick! Depraved. Disgusting.
The worst part is, a movie like this was once made. Such a movie can be made again. And, next time, MST3k won't be around to protect us. I must go now. ThE mAsTeR iS cAlLiNg!