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Ninja Thunderbolt
Reviews
No Time to Die (2021)
Really good.
Both my wife and I absolutely loved Daniel Craig's final outing as Bond. It's got everything you'd want from a Bond film; locations, fights, gadgets, action, suspense but what elevates this movie above many other Bonds is the layers of emotion. You're genuinely engaged with the main protagonists and I've not seen a Bond move pack such an emotional wallop. Terrific!
Avatar (2009)
Will people PLEASE get a grip? Greatest film of all time??!!!!
It's been years since I've made a comment of a film on IMDb.com, but having read comments on here about Avatar being 'the greatest film ever made - period', 'Must be #1 on IMDb or so much more' or words to that effect I felt compelled to say a few words.
I saw Avatar yesterday in 3D and went with no expectations. First thing I have to say is that it is by far the most technically jaw dropping film I have ever seen. It is truly astonishing effects-wise and a visual feast. However, there are a very very long list I could write of better films - in fact the more I think of it, The Terminator, Terminator 2 and Aliens (films I have seen many times) are better films from the same director. As wonderful as visual spectacle that Avatar was, the story was so rehashed, weak and, I genuinely hate to say it, I found myself bored at point in this unevenly paced effort.
I would still urge anyone to see it and draw their own conclusions - it's a visual masterpiece but comes at the expense of a really good plot, story, character development etc. It's not a bad story by any stretch of the imagination but it's nowhere near good enough to merit the praise this film is getting. 7/10
The Dish (2000)
I expected more....
As an Englishman who's been living (and thoroughly enjoying my time) in Australia for the last 10 months, I saw 'The Dish' recently after it was recommended to my partner by her Aussie work colleagues.
And what a disappointing film it turned out to be. Not that it was a bad film as such - after all I've seen far far worse come out of Hollywood in the last 10 years - it's just that 'The Dish' never raises itself above the level of a reasonable one-off BBC Sunday evening TV drama, and a film of that nature is going to have a very hard time measuring up to the hype.
4/10
Mysterious Planet (1982)
Very mysterious....
Beyond a shadow of a doubt Mysterious Planet is one of the worst movies ever made, yet retains an affection in my heart because the poverty of its special effects and astoundingly awful sound track in the first 15 minutes (and to be honest that's all you need to see) combine to create something that is hilariously side-splitting.
The opening scene in 'space' is just about as unfathomable as cinematography gets, as washing-up liquid bottles whiz past your eyes to muffled dialogue. Before you've had time to work out whether it's you who's gone mad, the credits roll and the action struggles to life.
And aside from the double-headed plasticine giant snail that terrorises our heroes, you also get the added double bonus of having both the original actors voices AND the dubbed voices at the same time. Pure genius.
The sad thing for fans of this kind of fare is that I've only ever seen one copy, so the chances of ever seeing it yourself is highly unlikely. Perhaps I own the only copy in existence.
The Haunting (1999)
Hollywood is cheating us
Once again I have been subjected to yet another 'all CGI-no plot' movie that are the staple of Hollywood these days.
To summerise The Haunting: "Look! Everything in the house moves! Isn't it amazing? And scary?" Well,actually, no.
Deep Blue Sea (1999)
Yawn
The script is appalling. The casting is misguided. The acting is dire. The suspense is minimal. The overall experience left me feeling patronised.
Watching Deep Blue Sea has finally led me to draw a line under bothering to watch terrible formula computer effects driven films that Hollywood has churned out every year since Jurassic Park showed how to do it.
I enjoy films that are so bad they are good. Deep Blue Sea, like Godzilla, Independence Day et al., is just bad.
Commando (1985)
Watch it, rewind it and watch it again.
Look, I'm no fan of today's no brainer special effects action movies that the Hollywood churns out every year, but Commando is different. Why? Because it's a comedy of course, and beats so-called action comedy spoofs films like 'Hot Shots' hands down.
What everyone involved in the making this cheese-fest was thinking, God only knows, but everything about it is SO wrong that it turns out SO right. Poor story, poor script, poor acting, poor effects - you name it, Commando's probably got a grade F in it. In fact, after my first viewing I was so amazed by its naffness that that I rewound it and watched it again.
Death Promise (1977)
70's magic
One of the classic low budget 70's movies, this film was found in a bargain video shop in London for only 50p. (interestingly, the package lists the star of the film as 'Charles Bone', who sounds like a porn star, but once the credits role it's obvious that the picture is aligned to far the right of the TV screen, so that all the cast members have the last letter missing from their names)
From the moment the narrator lamely introduces us to the situation that the desperate tenants of a grimy New York City apartment block, you know you're in for a rollercoaster ride of fromage. The direction is from the 'Ed Wood one-take' school - if one or two extras were looking at the camera crew, then what the hell?
The films finishes with a plot twist that puts The Usual Suspects to shame. Buy it now.
Dogma (1999)
Yawn...
This is, without a shadow of doubt, one of the most painful films I've had the displeasure to suffer at the cinema. Why? Because it promises so much, but delivers so little.
Yes, I've seen far worse films, but for a picture with grand designs in terms of tackling its subject matter - religion - it's all just a bit too cosy, avoiding anything controversial or offensive, at least in a religious sense. Very quickly you realise you're watching a version of 'Weird Science' with delusions of grandeur - it thinks it's being witty, yet all you're faced with is a precession of lame teenage jokes and capers, each more tiresome than the last.
Over 16 and want to see a funny film that has a crack at religion? Watch 'Life of Brian' instead.
Ninja the Protector (1986)
Harrison pulls it off yet again......
Ninja the Protector is yet another triumph for the 'versatile ninja master' Richard Harrison, and an astonishing masterclass in suspense and action that only Joseph Lai could serve up.
When faced with the tyranny of an evil ninja empire run by an overweight accountant, our hero resorts to the only weapon a ninja can when faced with certain death - a 500cc racing motorbike. In a tense scene suitably offset with the mellow strummings of Pink Floyd, Richard demonstrates some of his broad reportoire of jaw dropping action stunts that, quite rightly, put Jackie Chan's efforts in the shade.
A must for all Harrison fans, serious action junkees and devotees of films spliced together in an incredibly obvious way to shift a few copies in the West.
The Aftermath (1982)
Steve's the man - honest
I remember seeing this low quality cheese production several years ago. It was repackaged in the UK as 'Zombie Aftermath', but 10 minutes into this extravaganza, it became apparent that the only zombie on view would be 'versatile' 'actor' Steve Barkett.
Steve's the kind of guy who was always picked last in a line up to play school sports, an out-of-shape middle aged trainspotter who you would certainly not cast as the lead. At first you wonder how he landed this role, until a cursory glance at the video box reveals that he wrote and directed it.
There certainly are some laughs to be had, as Steve comes to terms with the horror of a post apolcalyptic Earth (and viewers come to terms with the horror Steve's limited abilities, both in front of and behind the camera) and if you're prepared to pan a river of boredom in search of a piece of cheese gold (as I always am) then get prospecting.
Ninja Hunt (1986)
Richard is at it yet again.......
For those of you uninitiated to the world of Richard Harrison and Joseph Lai, Richard has appeared in at least a dozen films (most not listed on the IMDB) where he has been cut into a separate film that bears no relation to ninja activities (Ninja Thunderbolt, one of the best cheese films ever made, being the exception). He wears ridiculous ninja outfits, fights other westerners who have never met the other characters in the film and stands as giant in the world of low quality film making.
Ninja Hunt is not one of Richard Harrison's best films, but is a worthwhile addition to any video collection for fans of both the master and his evil nemesis Stuart Smith. Find it in a bargain bin near you now!
Zhi zun shen tou (1984)
Hilarious roller-skating ninja mayhem..
To put it simply, Ninja Thunderbolt is the best of the 'stolen jade horse insurance fraud is investigated by a man in a bubble car pursued by roller-skating ninjas' movies to come out of the Hong Kong based IFD Films stable in the mid 80s.
Richard Harrison, as he does so many times in Joseph Lai's productions, puts on a brave face as his scenes are once again spliced into a separate film where he interacts with characters he's blatantly never met. In this case Harrison plays cool headed cop Richard (Richard's contract with IFD films stipulated that he MUST always play a character called Richard or Gordon) who assists bubble car driving cop Harry Wong in solving a suspected insurance fraud. I say 'assists', but in reality Richard's assistance is limited to telephoning him a couple of times and showing Harry - who is really in the same room as Richard - screen shots of the rest of the cast in upcoming scenes
er, I mean Hong Kong Police intelligence photographs of suspects to the fraud.
But why waste time worrying about the plot no one who made Ninja Thunderbolt did when it contains some of the unintentionally funniest scenes ever committed to celluloid? Your sides barely have time to recover from one baffling action sequence before the next one takes you by the scruff of the neck and throws you head first into a vat of cheese. Only a master craftsman of the pedigree of Godfrey Ho would confuse the audience with a car chase involving two identical white Nissans, the tension cranked up just that little extra by running the film at Benny Hill chase speeds, or disorientate the viewer further with a ski-chase sequence (speeded up of course) shot from considerable distance (the other side of the valley) with seven or eight identically dressed skiers with their faces covered.
But what really makes this film worthwhile are the roller-skating ninjas. Yes, you read me correctly, roller-skating ninjas. It even has a small part for a young Jackie Chan, and I haven't even got time to describe the 'sizzling' shower love scene, the cardboard telephone booths, the cars that drive in two wheels without even bothering to resort to the movie formula of hitting the rear-side of another vehicle, the motorbikes whose tyres screech on grass verges, the drug dealer who produces joints from his mouth, the...well I could go on and on.
Basically, if you ever see a copy of this film in your local video store, or more likely in a bargain bin at your local market stall or car-boot sale, you could do much worse that get your hands on a copy. Your blood will forever be motivated by ninja spirit.
Contamination (1980)
Classic McCulloch
Ian McCulloch shines, as he did in 'Zombie Flesh-eaters', this time as an alcoholic former NASA astronaut who is dismissed as mad when he talks of the threat of an alien invasion from Mars (as is par for the course in these space capers).
If you enjoy lame acting, poorly dubbed voices, cheesy 80's gore effects and an implausible plot, then this is the film for you.
One Dark Night (1982)
Frustrating film - excellent room decoration.
I received a copy of this film from a friend for my 21st birthday, which he had obviously picked up for 99p from a bargain video bin.
Never have I been so frustrated when watching a film - it was tedious, Adam West was wasted (literally) and, in retrospect, I cannot recall a single thing about it. My lack of enjoyment grew to such an extent that the second the credits rolled we smashed up the cassette and hung the tape around the living room. Just for good measure, we set fire to the cover.