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Reviews
Joan of Arc (1999)
A poor excuse for a spectacle
This is two and a half hours of my life I want back.
Milla Jovovich is perhaps the most miscast actress ever. You can't believe for a second that her whiny, screeching, obnoxious Joan of Arc can inspire the French people. Being forced to spend that much time with a main character who you can't like at all is a painful experience.
The script was horrible, constantly setting up lines that were supposed to be "inspiring" but instead came across as contrived. Various characters changed attitudes off screen leave the audience confused when they showed up again speaking a completely different position from the one they were behind not more than ten minutes ago. Instead of explaining why they changed we are supposed to accept that they did since it moves the story forward. The script also constantly had the characters demonstrating political attitudes far more common to the 1990's than the 1430's leading to some very jarring situation.
I got the impression that this movie was the result of a Hollywood hit factory where they mix up all the required portions of a sure fire hit and cynically pass it off to people as entertainment.
Simon Sez (1999)
Like jabbing your eyes out with hot pokers, but less fun
This is the worst movie I've seen in a long, long time. It's supposedly an action comedy, but the "humor" is less funny than puppies getting run over on the highway. The action scenes are funnier as Rodman tries to look like he knows martial arts, but you just wonder how come he isn't getting beaten senseless by people who are obviously thousands of times better than him. No action, no comedy, only pain.