Reviews

This movie was, for sure, inconsistent and a little too vague for what it was trying to do.

It did a fairly good job at looking at the destruction of the family that comes with 'free' handouts and having to beg for scraps from a government that cares about you for entertainment, but has no value for you as a being.

Mirroring the destruction done to the black nuclear family a large and powerful force creates an environment where a nuclear, black family must debase themselves in order to win favor with that entity. Eventually the family finds that the only competitor, it seems, is selling soup and they do that, which kind of erases the point of the movie and doesn't explain itself well.

I get that when this film was made it was attractive to probably make sure they showed racism, maybe even showed it a lot. That's fine if that is what makes you feel better in a low budget, kinda silly and forgettable movie.

This movie takes it a step further, however, and make sure that not one white character has any redeeming qualities. They are all, to a one, horrible people.

Honestly, if you were trying to make a movie that showed the absurdity of heavy-handed messaging on racism, you couldn't pick much better than this one. The odds of me showing a dozen people on screen of any race and having them all be the 'only' members of that race and 'all' be horrible is staggeringly low - but this film does just that.

This movie has a great premise and a complete disregard for the agency of anyone but the main character. In 'both' lives the person finds true love by meeting a perfect man who waits for her despite all bad decisions until she is ready to settle down with them. The modern view of parenting, where the mother calls all the shots and the father is a well meaning but completely powerless individual in his own life is espoused "I support you having a choice" - as if a father cannot or should not advocate a decision that directly impacts his entire life.

Regardless, the real meaning of this movie is that having kids or not is no big deal and everything will be fine regardless which is a great lesson for all of us - if we live in the fantasy world of this movie.

This movie is one long exposition interrupted by occasional pointless fighting. Don't worry though, even though its complex I'll make it easy for you to figure out the protagonists and the antagonists. The 'good guys' are, literally, nobody and everyone in the film is a 'bad guy'.

Asharam is God, I guess, though so stupid his own creations keep banging his b-hole and he can't stop them. The 'defilers' or whatever the dog things are called are bad because they can't escape an ice canyon but apparrently can fly through space and go to new worlds and eat people because...reason...?

The eternals are bad guys because they either want to stop new life to save old life or because they want the other way around, or even both I guess, its complexity w/out being poignant.

They keep talking about other heroes but who do they call when everyone on the Earth is going to die? No one, that's who! Its a job so important that Icarus doesn't end it when he has 42 chances to because...reason.

Don't worry, the ending sucks pretty bad too. Lastly, if you are looking for a little racism we got that too! It seems that eternal robots are created to look like different races here on Earth and, though they have been to thousands of planets, when left to their devices they like to just associate with people that look like them...the space robots. Yes, space robots can't get by race very well, but they can have accents and one they forgot to build with no ability to speak because... you guessed it...reason.

Really just a bad movie.

Look, I understand this was a "I'm lost and we're all human" movie, but the idea that our protagonist creates trauma for a sixteen year old while her friend hits on a suicidal, under-age boy puts them both in the position of being monsters. Monsters that really have no consequences to their actions. The high schoolers in this movie are 'throwaway lives' to the adults and are used that way. Horrendous way to make a movie - why would this get made and distributed?

I'm not sure why there is a ten line limit on these, it seems odd that I can't just say a film is horrible as a warning to people not to see it, or simply say its great to hope someone sees it. The point of making us prattle on (as I'm doing) is completely lost on me. How verbose do I have to be to share an opinion about a movie? Anyways, this movie was a cute movie and I think could have been really good. The problem is that the timing and flow of the movie is completely off, sometimes taking you all the way out of the movie and leaving you to sit and wonder why you are watching it. When the movie does have good points (Andy Griffith, or some intimate scenes with the lead) it really does a good job of driving home.

The ending leaves much to be desired with our lead, after not caring for her child at all, has an epiphany that suddenly lets her divorce her abusive husband and leave the person she has a fling with. It is horribly unbelievable and pat. It also raises the question of what men are good for in this movie besides making babies (the husband), giving someone money they didn't earn (Andy) or giving someone support and help just to be crapped on (Nathan). In the end it left me unfulfilled and annoyed.

A not-too-bad little horror flick about six semi-attractive British chicks who appear to live in a Mountain Dew commercial. On this adventure, they wander into a "never explored cave" in the Appalachians that they found. Of course, as things get hairy they find they are not alone as these slimy, scary, but ultimately sissy blind Gollums types harass them.

Although not bad, the logic meter on this movie just wouldn't leave me alone. I set it for "horror" and for "foreign film", which will usually stop it from going off, but this movie just had problems....

1. I'm a British chick, and I'll find a cavern in the remote mountains of America. Not the people that live there or anything.

2. These CHUD like creatures are humanoid, hunt above ground, but apparently so liked the wet, cold caves that provided no sustenance that they stayed there and went completely blind.

3. These completely blind creatures have been killing folk in this are since time out of mind, but are pretty easy prey for 109lb UK chicks, because of their mad killin' skillz

4. There seems to be hundreds of these creatures, each the size of a man, but their predation goes unnoticed by fish and game or the locals, because they are underground. Now, you over-fish or hunt in the Appalachians, they will be on your ass as it is all closely monitored, unless you are a white, blind slug-man, then its hidden.

5. Six UK chicks that all hang out doing rock climbing, rapids riding, spelunking and stuff, and no girl on girl action? This director should go to school, and by school I mean my butt.

Hi, I'm Hollywood, and not the "good Hollywood" that bought us The Godfather and Bosom Buddies, but the "other Hollywood" that, for some reason that boggles the mind, cannot turn a comic book into a movie to save our lives.

It should come as no surprise, then, that when we got ahold of the superman series, we would ignore everything done well in "SmallVille" and branch out on our own, the better to hurl the feces of our discontent at this beloved icon.

We'll start with an opening sequence that goes on for one full solar day, as a tribute to the Sun God. From there we will turn Lex Luthor into a creepy villain by making him.....swindle an old lady out of her money!!! (bum bum bummm). This puts him in the same realm of super villains reserved for used car salesmen, furnace repairmen and my uncle virgil. He is able to get out of jail because the appellate court called Superman as a witness, but he didn't show. You heard me. Now lets get to the crux of things. You see, there are two big things that go on to bring us all of those wonderful things like character development and back story that makes great films. 1. Superman left for five years without telling anyone he was leaving or when he would be back. This was because someone told him they saw Krypton. Apparrently none of his super powers were able to bring him either the memory to remember that his planet was blown up, the trust to believe his father when he told him it was blow up, or the common sense to know that if Krypton was still around, they probably would've called by now. 2. Superman has a child w/Lois: But because he used his Kryptonian "miscreant" powers, he doesn't know it. Lois has also handled Superman's unexplained absence well by hating him (not being worried he died or anything), writing an article on why we don't need him, and then shacking up with the boss's son (or nephew or something). Oh, and not telling him he has a son until he's dead. BTW- its a good thing his son will inherit his super powers as his mom drags him around the news office all the time and even while breaking and entering, so I don't think a normal kid would last long with this completely unlikable version of Lois.

So see, we did get character development. In particular this movie shows that both Lois and Superman have bad characters and should probably take a day off of chain smoking, child abuse, seducing engaged women and criminal levels of self-involvement and attend a Jerry Springer taping.

Now, they also leave us with a series of annoying things that fans will cringe at. Sometimes Kryptonite disables superman, sometimes it really doesn't effect him and sometimes it kills him, depending on his mood and the amount of angst he can show on his plastic visage. Why Lex learns all of the secrets of Krypton and the 12 known galaxies and uses all of that to build an uninhabitable atoll. Why Superman, when he sees Lex at this point, doesn't just thrown a pebble through his head at a safe distance. There are a lot more, I'm just already as bored with this write up as the movie.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure Superman is gay.

You should not see this movie, and I'm not kidding.

Now, I've said it, let me say this. There was an excruciating excitement in watching something that, right from the beginning, you knew was going to be one of the messiest, stinkiest turds you've seen. I accepted that and lived within it gloriously.

There was somewhat of a payoff with a semi-good sex scene near the end and a semi-twist that lent you some insight into how this could have been a good movie.

To finish up, however, if anyone offers to have you watch this film, only watch the last five minutes. If they insist you watch the whole thing "for context", then kill them. Do not run away, they may trick someone else into watching this, you have to put them down.

Why? Why oh God why would they do this to me? What a horrible movie! I actually almost saw this at the theatre, but luckily I didn't, I may actually have asked to have my money back! Doesn't anyone get fired in Hollywood anymore? I mean, someone had to greenlight this, right? Someone had to look at it and say "That's it!" and stuff, right? What a travesty! It really is too bad, they had a great cast, I like most everyone in it, except Cameron is getting on my nerves. She is likable, but how many more booty-shaking "crazy" blonde girls can she play? Its like watching the same damn movie over and over again, and they are all starting to suck. She should make a movie with Nicholas Cage and Tom Cruise and they could all play themselves! Anywho, the rest of the cast is good, I like Applegate, she kinda plays the Vince Vaughn of this "Swingers: The Vagina Monologue" movie. Batemen is always funny these days and Jane has a real presence. It had a lot of potential, but it was all wasted in this slapped together crudfest of suck. Really, I don't care how much you like to see Cameron in yet another bra, don't see this movie.

Anytime you try to do a movie as involved and conceptual as this, you are gonna have disagreements as to its effectiveness and how good it was, which is fine. So much depends on who is seeing the movie, and when, and the atmosphere etc. etc. that movies get wildly different ratings, this one is no exception.

What I love about this is that, if you think this movie sucked, its because you are a Pepsi swilling, stupid American who just isn't as smart as your European counterpart who enjoyed it. I think I'll say the same about "Doom" for any Europeans that didn't like it. Hey, it was this great piece of art, but you are too stupid to "get it". But, for every "stupid American" out there, or even any open-minded Europeans who don't think they are better than everyone, I'd like to review this movie.

*SPOILERS*

OK, after my rant above, I don't have a lot of time. The acting - well, this movie is full of good actors, but they were either not directed well or had no idea what they were going for. The mom seems vapid, dull and drugged and Anna seems simultaneously on a quest to save and destroy everyone. The writing is pretty awful, though the sound was so bad I couldn't hear parts, so maybe it was better during the time the sound sucked. The plot itself made no sense. Now, I know that many people who claim to be really smart will try to explain it, but it doesn't. First of all, for seven parents to slaughter their own children, that, by the plot, they must love, you would think they would need a reason. All we are given was "It was an experiment". Huh. Let me see how that would go down.... Evil doer: "Do you love your child?" Parent: "Yes, very much." Evil doer: "Would you slit his/her throat at this one house during an eclipse for me?" Parent: "Why?" Evil Doer: "I wanna see what will happen." Loving Parent: "Well...sign me up!!" So the plot is immediately crapola. Add to that most of the "scares" of this movie basically come from turning the sound down low, then flashing pictures while applying a strong bass, something that can be seen in any cheap horror movie, and can be done with gyrating pictures of puppies to the same effect and it is a hard movie to love. Now...the ending. Remember, very artistic, which is your super-secret decoder word to mean "baffling". So the "wise, evil dark" tricks Anna into the blackness where it can "get" her? And it does this by...driving a car around in the light? I mean, if it could drive a car around in the light, couldn't it just run her over? What's it need to go to the tunnel for? I'll also leave you with Anna stabbing her father's throat and the, at some point completely not shown, him dying. So your grandfather patiently, and oddly, explained to you that anyone slitting your dad's throat at this house during the eclipse would ruin all mankind, then lets you go. So you get to the house, during the eclipse, stop your mom from slitting his throat, and then perform a tracheotomy by stabbing him...in the throat...in the house...during the eclipse. You top it off by watching him die instead of grabbing a pen that would've saved him. Or dragging him outside.

I'm sorry my European friends, I think this movie was a great idea, superbly cast, but wihered on the vine. I "got it" plenty, but the care and time was not taken to tie it together into the great movie it could have been. It was pretty bad.

I just saw this last night on DVD and I have to say...HUH???

The acting was OK. Liam did a good job, and I like historical movies. However, I'm not sure that this was a "historic movie" worthy event.

**SPOILERS**

The plot is a crappy built russian sub, that leaves too early, and gets into trouble because of it. In order to save this piece of junk, we watch sailor after sailor irradiate himself and his co-workers, all so that this "craptacular" sub can be towed back to dock. This movie would be noteworthy if the crew had elected to save themselves and scuttled the boat. It is much easier to build a boat than a loyal, trained crew of a nuclear submarine. The price was too high, and the crew's willingness to do it smacks more of lemming than patriot. Sorry guys.