Reviews

To summerize the viewing experience of this movie in a few words, I say, "Long, boring, made me want to cry." I absolutely abwhore this movie! It was a waste of three and a half hours of my time that could've been spent on something better, like writing a better movie. Also, the Areosmith song was WAY overplayer. Over all... it was icky. I voted it a three... thinking back, it would've been a two if not for Steve Buscemi.

I have to say, after only two episodes, I'm hooked! It's great! Gimme more! I gotta see the movie! I hope to God and all in high heaven ABC picks this hilarious show up for another season! I need four lines, so I'm just going to ramble now... bye.

I saw this at the beginning of Toy Story 2 (which in-and-of itself is fabulous!) and, this is truly the cap of the soda to start off the movie. Very cute, very funny, lovely piece of animation, even for 1986. Lovely, truly lovely.

Yeah, baby! The grooviest spy on the planet is back in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me! In the shaggedelic sequel to the original Austin Powers movie, we pick up on Austin Powers' (Mike Myers, who also co-wrote it) groovy honeymoon with his new wife Vanessa Kensington (Elizabeth Hurley). After finding out a very funny secret of hers, he's back as a swinging single! Along comes the famous nudity scenes. For those of you who haven't seen either, it's "tastefully" covered up with objects. I will not give any more of the movie's secrets, like Dr. Evil's evil plot, or the name of the second new character named "Fat Bastard." And, several spoofs and parodies (the "Just the Two of Us" parody with Dr. Evil and Mini-Me is absolutley hilarious) in tap that are too funny to be typed up. You'd have to see it to believe it. Truly, this is a shagedelic sequel baby! The best time I've had in a theater since Star Wars: Episode I, and the best comedy I've seen since There's Something About Mary. The Spy Who Shagged Me is better than the original, and worth a second viewing. Keep the groovy flicks coming, Mike. And, a brief note that you'll need to know if you see this, synchronized swimmers are not allowed to touch the bottom of the pool.

B+

What was meant to be the end of the middle of the Star Wars Saga, Episode VI- Return of the Jedi (originally titled Revenge of the Jedi), written by Lawrence Kasdan and George Lucas, sums up in a nice anticlimax, but I'm getting ahead of myself. The beginning of the sixth episode finds us back on Tatooine (where the first, I mean, fourth enstallment has it's start) where, when it was released back in May of 1983, audiences saw the first of Jabba the Hutt. But, for the 1997 audiences such as me, and second, and chubbier look. As for his fate, let's just say, if Episodes VII, VIII and IX were made, we wouldn't see him again. Also, we finally get a look at the great Emperor Palpatine, leader of the Sith Lords, and master to apprentice Darth Vader, now known as Anakin Skywalker. And, once again, making his third appearance is my favorite underrated character, Wedge Antillies, leading Rouge Squadron on another faulously shot and fantastically made Kamikaze run. This time, without the help of Luke, Han, Chewbacca, and Princess Leia, who are both preoccupied, one with a rematch, and the taking back of a hand, the other with knocking out the Deflector Sheilds for the second Death Star on the moon planet of Endor, which is inhabited by the all too cute Ewoks. They look like little Teddy Bears. As I said before, it all rounds out into a nice anticlimax, preparing for the seventh through ninth installments, which Lucas decided wouldn't come. The series stops at six. But, all-in-all, with Episode I just released (which is my next review) after 16 years without a new Star Wars movie, fans like me cannot wait until 2002 when Episode II is released. Until then, this is a fine ending. B+

The rather dark of the original trilogy starts on the planet Hoth, an icy, cold planet where the Rebels have set up their base camp, and the Empire goes to destroy it. After a really cool Snow Speeder vs. Imperial AT-AT and AT-STs, the movie takes an entirely different course from the first, and at the end, revealing a secretthat would rock Star Wars devotees worlds (as to what the secret is, we know it's that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father). This "episode", not written by Lucas, but by Leigh Brackett, is, what some may call, the one that broke the rule. That rule being that "Sequels are never as good as the original." I'll admit, I differ from them slightly. Toward the end, I found myself anxious for it to end (probably because I had to use the restroom). Upon further viewing (and time alotted for restroom breaks), I found it much more enjoyable. The enstallment offers a lot more than the forementioned surprise, but it introduces several characters, a small, swamp dwelling Jedi Master named Yoda (voiced by Frank Oz), the sleazy ruler of the cloud city of Bespin, Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams), and a faceless bounty hunter, hired by Jabba the Hutt to capture Han Solo, named Bobba Fett. This is truly a worthy installment in the Star Wars Trilogy. A

Rated PG for cartoonish violence and adult language

Only released in 350 theaters across the nation in May 1977, Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope soon became the highest grossing movie of all time. But, there was a bumpy start for the space drama, now revered by millions as a type of quasi-religion. It took five studios for George Lucas to have his screenplay, "The Adventures of Luke Skywalker" picked up by 20th Century Fox. Soon, changed to Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope (and formally called Star Wars), it changed the face of movie viewing, and made "nobodys" Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford known world wide. It made words like "Wookie" and "Obi-Wan Kenobi" household names. By 1997, when re-released so a new generation, my generation, could see it on the big screen with the technology it was intended. While still holding the ever-famous, "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..." the only changes in the re-release, on video, is a few scenes, including one with Jabba the Hutt. And, by skyrocketing to #1 money grosser of all time again, Star Wars proved it has everlasting appeal to generations to come. A+

Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope

Rated PG for cartoonish violence and adult language Starring Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford Directed by George Lucas Running time 2 hours 5 minutes

After sixteen years, the time between Return of the Jedi and the newest Star Wars movie, is over. The new movie, which I saw on opening night, as I did the re-releases, starts it all, Star Wars: Episode I- The Phantom Menace, is written and directed by George Lucas. The highly anticipated prequel that shows us the start of the man who would become Darth Vader, only, his name now is Anakin Skywalker (played by Jake Lloyd). In this, Anakin is a 9 year-old slave boy. It also stars a pair of Jedi Knights, Obi-Wan Kenobi (played by Ewan McGregor, not Sir Alec Guinness) and Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Nesson), Queen Amidala (the lovely Natalie Portman), a Gungan named Jar Jar Binks, who you have to listen to carefully to understand ("Da Force? What tis da force? Maxibig thing, dis Force, yous betcha. Gonna save me, yous, all us, huh?"), and other unruly creatures that seem familiar to die-hard Star Wars fans, others, brand new.

Also, a fabulous new sport, Podracing. A sport, that in the scene shown, makes you grip your seat and clench your seat. Also, look for Samuel L. Jackson as Jedi Master Mace Windu, and the ever short, old, and wise Yoda. And, R2-D2 and C-3PO make a return, only, don't let the kids see, C-3PO is really See-throughPO (see the movie and you'll understand). When all is said and done, the only questionable aspect of Star Wars: Episode I- The Phantom Menace is the casting job of Jake Lloyd, honestly, a better actor could've been picked. I personally loved Jar Jar, thought he was maxibig funny. Others will disagree, but I say he's a great comic relief, and I can't wait for Episode II, you can bet, I'll be there on opening day. Rating as a fan: A As a critic: B-

Star Wars: Episode I- The Phantom Menace

Rated PG for cartoonish violence and adult language Starring Ewan McGregor, Liam Nesson, Natalie Portman Directed by George Lucas Running time 2 hours 11 minutes

As to how this movie got a Best Picture, Adapted Screenplay, and Best Director Oscar Noms is beyond me. This is a horrible movie. The best way I can describe it is scatterbrained. It was a non-sense movie that wouldn't have made any sense if I hadn't known what the story was about. Why, why God, why?

...And I never realized until I saw this movie, and read the Pulitzer Prize winning book that it was based on, the sacrifice that was put into that battle. Thank you Michael Shaara and Ronald Maxwell.

Though the populous of this board doesn't agree with me, I liked this movie. I saw it in my Social Studies class. Mr. Pelton tied it in with Immigration. But hey, at least it's better than class work.

I sat down one lonley X-mas evening at 12:30, putting together my Lego set (I'm 14, okay). And on came this show. This show changed my life. Everything else was gone. This is the funniest show ever! This show is Late Night with Conan O'Brien. This show is the true definition of hilarity. Every since then I've been entranced, I stay up late, missing precious hours of sleep to catch it, the drowsy school day is worth it. Conan could be (and should be) the Leno's replacement when he leaves. And they better kepp Andy, Triumph, the Masturbating Bear, etc. when they do. otherwise, this clunky little show that could won't be the same.

There's something about Mary, that's what Ted Peloquin (Ben Stiller) finds out when he falls in love with Mary Jenson (Cameron Diaz), now Ted isn't the best looking guy, not by a long shot, but yet, he helps out, unknowingly, Mary's retarded brother, which leads Mary to ask Ted out to the prom. Now, when he gets to her house, he gets his, um, member stuck in his zipper (for all you men who see it, you'll wonder how he did it, I know I did), after that, the date is ruined when he gets it out, and is a bleeder, so he needs to go to the hospital, needless to say, the date is over. Then, 13 years later, he wants to find Mary again, so his friend (Chris Elliot) to hire one of his friends, named Pat Healy (Matt Dillon) to find Mary, he falls for her, tells her she is unattractive, in the hopes that he gives up, but yet, he doesn't. He tracks her down, he falls in love. And of course, this is a comedy, and a lot of very funny situations. Although it has some funny situations, there are some long spots where there isn't many laughs, but where the laughs come, they come hard. Such as the dog on speed. Now, this is one helluva funny movie, I left with tears in my eyes, don't leave right away, because, during the first half of the credits there is a funny musical number, of sorts. Now, like I said, this is a funny movie, probably the funniest of the year, so I give this an A.

Saving Private Ryan Rated: R For: Graphic Violence, Adult Langauge, Adult Content Starring: Tom Hanks, Matt Damon, Ed Burns, Tom Sizmore Directed by: Steven Spielberg Running Time: 2 hours 48 minutes

Well, to start off, this movie should not be viewed by children under 15, that is, unless you want to teach your children about the real effects of war. This movie starts off with an older James Ryan at Omaha Beach, his family behind him. He has walked up to the marble gravestones that are placed there in remembrance of the soldiers that dies at D-Day, which he flashes back to. In the flashback (which is simular to Titanic as in it being the whole movie) to the beginning of D-Day, with a shot of Captain Miller (Tom Hanks), and his platoon of soldiers, who, before landing on Omaha, vomit in terror, they hit the beach and two rows of soldiers are taken out, the others dive into the water, a couple drown under the weight of they're equipment, others dying before even hitting the beach. For the first half-hour of this masterpiece, I dare say "masterpiece" because that's what it is, the soldiers go through hell, a mess of blood, dead bodies, and gun fire that'll make you appreciate those that went through that. After that, Captain Miller and his team of soldiers, on the mission to save Private Ryan (Matt Damon), along the way save Ryan, they run into a run down radar tower, a run down town, and several other things which leave them with unexpected loses. And the final battle may be the best, and most prolific in the history of cinema, Tom Hanks delivers an Oscar worthy performance, Steven Spielberg should get an Oscar for best director, and he proves his is the greatest director of our time. Edward Burns, Matt Damon, and Tom Sizemore are also giving great perforances, along with guest appearances by Dennis Farina and Ted Danson, this movie has major star power, a great plot, great dialogue, and a great direction, all-in-all, this gets my vote for best movie of the year. I give it an A+.

"Sometimes I wonder if I've changed so much, my wife is even gonna recognize me whenever it is I get back to her ... and how I'll ever be able to ... tell about these days like today." Captain Miller

We all know the age old saying, "Comedic actors will always be comedic actors." Well, this code has been broken in the summer release The Truman Show by Jim Carrey. Yes, the Jim Carrey from The Cable Guy and Ace Ventura 1 & 2. Though this rule has been broken before (Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting, Awakenings, and Dead Poets Society), but never this well. In The Truman Show, Truman Burbank (Carrey), the first person to be born on TV is the unsuspecting host of the television show named, simply, "The Truman Show" which has sparked "Trumania" in the nation. Truman goes unsuspecting of his certain-to-be-trapped doom in the TV show. But one day, while heading to work, an object falls from the sky. He listens to the radio, suspecting the odd, but the DJ's cover it up saying an airliner dropping parts. Thinking nothing of it, Truman goes on, continuing his life in his little town, while the day, night, weather patterns, and even Truman's life is controlled by one man, Christoff (Harris) AKA, The Creator. His pleasant life is disrupted, though, after odd things happen, his dead father comes back, a man Truman's never met before knows his name, an elevator has no back to it, etc. He slowly catches on that his life is not what it seems to be. With a fabulous Screenplay written by Andrew Niccol (Gattaca) this turns out to be one of those films where after you see it, you come out feeling good and thinking. What if your world is like that? Is your world like that? This movie is definitely Oscar bound, a sure fire nomination for Carrey in his second serious role, his first being in the fabulous made-for-TV-movie Doing Time on Maple Drive. The only snag is in the chance to see a talking butt give an acceptance speech is Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan. But I still say, Free Truman! A+

"We accept the reality with which we're presented." Christof The Truman Show