- Grandma Sandy: You get reminded what a sack of shit you are five times a day, after a while, you can't believe *anyone* could ever love you.
- Ellie: We're gonna adopt a whole shitwhack of kids, and I am thankful that whoever has a problem with it can fuck right off!
- Karen: You're going to get some funny looks and people are going to say some stupid shit, but if you're willing to love these kids who need a mom and dad and somebody has a problem with that, you just ask them how many goddamn kids they've adopted.
- Juan: Do you like the Clippers?
- Pete: I'm more of a Lakers fan.
- [Pete throws the basketball at the net, it bounces off the ring and hits Juan in the face]
- Juan: You hit me because I like the Clippers!
- Pete: No, I think the Clippers are awesome. I think they were smart for trading Blake Griffin, their best player.
- Stewart: Nothing hard about *kids* . Ah! As long as you spend some time with them, they're cool. Most important thing, make sure the moms all get along.
- Sharon: Did you meet any kids that you're curious about?
- Pete: We met one little girl who was sitting all by herself, very sweet, a little guarded, kind of had a little wall around her. Really small for her age too, maybe a fetal alcohol thing or something?
- Sharon: I saw her... Oh, right there.
- Pete: The little sad-looking one with pigtails who seems like she's been chained to a radiator half her life.
- Sharon: Uh, that's my daughter.
- Pete: The radiator kid?
- Mrs. Fernandez: Things that matter are hard.
- Pete: Now I know where Brenda gets her inspiring speech thing.
- [Pete and Ellie mistakenly confront Charlie thinking he is Jacob]
- Ellie: It's that kid Jacob! Hey, I saw the picture you sent to her, Jacob.
- Pete: You're lucky I don't end your life right now, carrot top!
- Ellie: We're going to call your mom!
- Pete: You're going down today!
- Ellie: So what do you think of that, Jacob?
- Charlie: [sobbing] My name is not Jacob!
- Ellie: What?
- Charlie: It's Charlie!