- Ishmael: [about Olaf] How did a group of children like you come to be shipwrecked with a man like that?
- Violet Baudelaire: It's a long story.
- Klaus Baudelaire: Extremely long.
- Sunny Baudelaire: Three seasons
- Lemony Snicket: [narrating] Sometimes a chapter might end, but that doesn't mean that the story is over. Some stories go on, even after the storyteller has stopped telling them.
- [last lines]
- Beatrice Baudelaire: Mr. Snicket? I'm your niece, Beatrice Baudelaire... the second. Would you like to hear a story about my family?
- Lemony Snicket: I would like that very much.
- Beatrice Baudelaire: As you know, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire were intelligent children...
- Lemony Snicket: They were charming, resourceful, and
- [in unison]
- Lemony Snicket: had pleasant facial features. They lived with their parents in a mansion in the heart of a busy city.
- Beatrice Baudelaire: You know this story.
- Lemony Snicket: Parts.
- Beatrice Baudelaire: Do you know the part about the pirates?
- Lemony Snicket: Pirates?
- Beatrice Baudelaire: Female Finnish pirates. It was after we sailed away from the island, but before their 3rd trip to Briney Beach, the pilot had just tied up the steering mechanism. And Klaus was studying the tidal charts. And Sunny looked up...
- Count Olaf: [kisses Kit] I told you I'd do that one last time.
- Kit Snicket: You are a wicked man. You really think one kind act will make me forgive you all your failings?
- Count Olaf: ...I haven't apologized.
- [Count Olaf is imprisoned in a bird cage]
- Count Olaf: What are you smiling at?
- Sunny Baudelaire: Karma.
- Count Olaf: Of course I'm going to die! That's the way of the world, Baudelaires. Everybody runs around with their secrets and their schemes, trying to outwit one another, and then they die.
- Lemony Snicket: Sometimes a chapter might end, but that doesn't mean that the story is over. And some stories go on, even after the storyteller has stopped telling them.