- Commissioner Mick Foley: Now, we are gathered here today to find out just who the hell ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin. And because nobody feels like stepping up to the plate and saying, "Okay, I did it," the commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation has decided to make a couple of predictions. You see, I thought about just who had the most to gain by running down Stone Cold last November, and, hey, I know that the... my first candidate, this may not be the most popular thing to ever come out of my mouth, but at the time of Stone Cold's accident, there were two really, really big stars in the WWF running neck and neck for popularity. Since Stone Cold went down, one of these superstars saw his T-shirt sales go through the roof, saw his popularity go through the roof, saw his ability to electrify crowds go through the roof. And I hate to say it, but one of those suspects is a former tag-team partner of mine, and that, unfortunately, would be you, Rock.
- [the Rock joins him in the ring]
- Commissioner Mick Foley: Out of respect for everything you've done, out of respect for our friendship, I'm going to give you a chance in front of all these people to explain your actions or your inactions last November.
- The Rock: [taking the mic] Mick Foley, it seems to The Rock that he's feeling a little... how do you say, deja vu? Because, you see, The Rock has already answered this time and time again. The Rock has already told you that he didn't do it. The Rock has already told the cops that he didn't do it. The Rock has told Stone Cold Steve Austin himself that he didn't do it. Now, Mick Foley, as a best-selling author, it seems like you have a little problem understanding the English language. So for your own benefit, let The Rock tell you one more time in plain, simple English. The Rock... did not... run over Stone Cold. Now for further clarification, let The Rock tell you in another language. Let him tell you in Swedish.
- [gibberish, then with an exaggerated Swedish accent]
- The Rock: The Rock didn't run over Stone Cold.
- [normally]
- The Rock: Now, Mick, if you need even further clarification, let The Rock tell you in Chinese.
- [exaggerated Chinese]
- The Rock: You see, Mick Foley, it doesn't matter what language The Rock tells you in, because whether it happened then or it didn't happen, regardless of what happened to Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock would still be standing before you today the WWF champion, if you smell what The Rock is cooking.
- Commissioner Mick Foley: There is a suspect out there who had an awful lot to gain, a guy who's seen his career skyrocket since Stone Cold went down, who's won WWF championships, who's put me into retirement, who's fought you tooth and nail. I'm talking about the Game, you, Triple H. Come on up here and address the fans of Mick Rocky!
- Triple H: Foley, we've been over this a million times. This is ridiculous, all right? How many times does everybody have to tell you, how many times do I have to tell you this answer before you understand? You want to know, did... did I set up Stone Cold Steve Austin? You're damn right I did. I set him up for a beating, I set him up to get his ass kicked. That's what I do, Mick. I beat people up. I kick their ass. And I am damn good at it. But I did not run Stone Cold Steve Austin over in a car. I do not eliminate my enemies by running them over with a car. If I wanted to eliminate Stone Cold Steve Austin, I would look him dead in his two beady little eyes, face to face like a man, and I would beat his ass. And you, more than anybody, should know that I can do it. But, Mick, you know, I've been thinking, trying to help you out. And I've been thinking, maybe you're going about this the wrong way. I mean, maybe you're looking at this all wrong. Maybe the person that ran over Steve Austin didn't have some cold-blooded, maniacal plan. Maybe that person was just a really bad driver. And we all know that, you know, supposedly, women are not very good drivers. And of everybody here, I'm looking around this ring of everybody here, there's really nobody closer to a woman than, say, Kurt Angle.
- [Kurt reacts in anger]
- Triple H: Kurt, you can try to hide it. You can try to hide it, but it's true, it's true.
- Commissioner Mick Foley: Now, Kurt Angle, that is indeed a pretty heavy accusation Triple H just leveled on you. Taking into account what you did for our country four years ago, I'm going to give you the opportunity to address the fans right here in Milwaukee, Wisconsin!
- Kurt Angle: [joining them in the ring] Just hold on a second, mister. You, too, and you, too. In order to find out who ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin, what we ought to be looking for is motive. What could be my motive? I beat guys in the Olympic Games a lot tougher than Stone Cold Steve Austin. It's true, it's true. And why would I take out a guy just because he's a foul-mouth, beer-drinking, trash-talking poor role model for children everywhere?
- X-Pac: [Kurt Angle accuses DX of having run over Stone Cold] I'm sick and tired of everybody pointing the finger at Triple H, pointing the finger at me or my friends. Well, you wanna know what? We didn't do it, but I know who did. Just think back, Survivor Series, somebody just coming into the WWF around that time, kind of got off to a mediocre start. Well, if you go back and look at the tape, you'll find that it was that rock and roll star wannabe Y2J that ran over Austin!
- Commissioner Mick Foley: [Jericho climbs into the ring] Y2J, what do you say? Did you run over the Texas Rattlesnake?
- Chris Jericho: Hold on one second. Hold on a second, junior. Okay, as much as I would like to believe that it was your scrawny ass who ran Austin down, I think if you watch that videotape, you'll see that it was impossible for you to be driving that car. Yeah, that's true, because you were too busy involved in the valiant and brave task of setting Austin up and locking him in the parking garage in the first place.
- X-Pac: That wasn't me.
- Chris Jericho: I think... I think that Mr. Kirk Angel had the best point of all when he brought up motives. Who had the biggest motive to take Austin out of the picture? Who hated Austin more than anybody else? Whose problem with Austin transcended business and became 100% personal? Mick, I think if you look at it that way, it's quite obvious, especially after what Austin did to her nerdy brother, what Austin did to her "genetic jackhammer" of a father, and especially what Austin was going to do to her soon-to-be husband at the time. Well, I'm not one to name names, Mick, but I think it's obvious that your culprit is a filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, bottom-feeding trash bag tramp named Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley!
- Commissioner Mick Foley: [in a fit of anger, Stephanie climbs into the ring] Wait, wait. Just a second. Now, certainly, Stephanie has done a lot of bad things here in the WWF, but, Stephanie, are you indeed capable of attempting vehicular homicide?
- Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley: Mick, this is completely unfair. You've seen the footage. You know that me, my brother, my father, and the man that I defeated in the center of the ring Monday night, my ex-fiance, Test, we were all there on the scene when Austin was being loaded into the ambulance. Mick, there's no way we could have done it. We-we weren't even there. But I'll tell you who I do think did it. And that's someone that you would never suspect, someone who wasn't even here the night Austin was mowed down. And there's only one person with a heart that's dark and twisted enough, who-who... who's remorseless, and there's only one person that fits that description, and that's the man who once abducted me: the Undertaker.
- Commissioner Mick Foley: [the Undertaker gets into the ring] Undertaker, she brings up a couple of valid points, and what I want to know is, is this true?
- The Undertaker: It's true. She is a sleazy tramp.