- [Melrose walks toward her room early morning when she is confronted by Cherry]
- Cherry Bang: Good morning!
- Melanie Rosen: [whispers] Fuck!
- [Melrose turns around]
- Melanie Rosen: Morning! Just, uh, getting back from the gym here. It's an early workout.
- Cherry Bang: Right. 'Cause that's a workout bustier.
- Melanie Rosen: It's a new costume element I'm working on. You know, as soon as you need to break 'em in. 'Cause they're very, very... they're tight.
- Cherry Bang: Look, Rosen. That white girl bullshit might work on teachers and cops, but not me.
- Melanie Rosen: Uh, Rosen?
- Cherry Bang: This is your last warning. You break curfew again, you're fired.
- Melanie Rosen: Look, are we still doing this whole Louis Gossett Jr., Richard Gere thing? Come on. 'Cause I really don't see you up anybody else's asshole.
- Cherry Bang: Other people don't piss me off as much. And Sam put me in charge. I'm official now. So, deal with it, Rosen.
- [Cherry jogs off]
- Melanie Rosen: Fucking anti-Semite.
- [Sam shows Glen Klitnick some storyboards of GLOW]
- Sam Sylvia: So it's, it's, it's deeper than that, really. Okay? They're gonna be wrestling with their own female stereotypes, metaphorically. Do you understand? And I think that's something that's really gonna resonate with female audiences. And guys... Well, guys, let's be honest. They're gonna watch because girls wrestling is fucking hot.
- Bash: [giggles] Sure, sure. Though, though Glen's Saturday morning programming primarily targets kids.
- Sam Sylvia: Hot and family friendly, Glen. Porn you can watch with your kids. Finally.
- [pause, then Glen laughs]
- Glen Klitnick: Well, I have to say this is all very strong. Strong concept. Strong timeslot. I feel like we could be making something very special. Providing... we find the right sponsor.
- Bash: Sure.
- Sam Sylvia: Wait, aren't you the sponsor?
- Bash: Uh, Sam, I'm the producer. Heh. Sponsor pays for airtime. How we doing with that, Glen?
- Glen Klitnick: Well, we have a great lead. Booming local business looking to expand their profile throughout the region. Patio Town.
- Sam Sylvia: You mean, like, bird baths and shit?
- Glen Klitnick: Yeah. Bird baths, furniture, custom fire pits, you know. They're the number two purveyor of indoor/outdoor lifestyle in Southern California.
- Sam Sylvia: Wow.
- Bash: What can we do, Glen?
- Glen Klitnick: They have a brand-new location in Calabasas. Grand opening this Friday, the owner will be there. We thought it might be a wonderful opportunity for a little meet and greet. Bring a couple of the girls, you know. That zippy Ruth girl. Nail this puppy down.
- Bash: We're gonna nail this puppy down so hard, it'll think it's been crucified, huh?
- Debbie Eagan: [rapping] I'm Liberty Belle, the American Hero. I'm a perfect ten, and you're a zero.
- [pause]
- Debbie Eagan: [rapping] I'm American as apple pie, and if you're not, I'll make you die.
- [Debbie jumps on the bed]
- Debbie Eagan: [looking at Randy] So what do you think?
- [Keith answers the phone]
- Keith: Keith Bang.
- Dawn Rivecca: Where's the beef?
- Keith: Excuse me?
- Dawn Rivecca: We've been wondering, sir, exactly where you've been putting your beef.
- [Dawn and Stacey laugh on the other line]
- [Sheila answers the phone]
- Sheila the She-Wolf: Hello?
- Stacey Beswick: I'm calling from Hellmann's Mayonnaise. Can you take a survey?
- Sheila the She-Wolf: A survey?
- Stacey Beswick: Yes, yes. Mm-hmm.
- Sheila the She-Wolf: About mayonnaise?
- Stacey Beswick: Yes, about mayonnaise.
- Sheila the She-Wolf: I always have time for condiments.
- Stacey Beswick: Perfect.
- [Ruth walks out of the bathroom]
- Ruth Wilder: Oh, that shower is the best.
- Sheila the She-Wolf: No, I'm quite fastidious about following instructions on the label. Personal lubricant?
- [Ruth sighs]
- Sheila the She-Wolf: No, I'm not sure I understand...
- [Ruth grabs the phone and hangs up]
- [Stacey takes a quick smoke from a pipe]
- Stacey Beswick: This will be my masterpiece.
- Dawn Rivecca: Okay, I can't wait.
- Stacey Beswick: All right.
- [Stacey picks up the phone and dials]
- Stacey Beswick: Hello? Yes, is this Melanie Rosen?
- Melanie Rosen: Yeah?
- Stacey Beswick: Melanie Danielle Rosen?
- Melanie Rosen: Mm-hmm.
- Stacey Beswick: Yes, this is Lisa from Dr. Goldberg's office. We have your test results. You have AIDS... in your butt.
- Melanie Rosen: Oh, my God. Really? Because I was just in my really good friends Dawn and Stacey's room, and suddenly, out of nowhere, I started bleeding right out of my butt. And the only way I could get it to stop was to was by shoving both of their toothbrushes into my anus!
- [Melrose hangs up and storms out of her room]
- Melanie Rosen: Get a life, you fucking hags!
- [walks back into her room]
- Melanie Rosen: How does everyone know my fucking real name?
- Jenny Chey: I don't know.
- Melanie Rosen: What are you doing?
- Jenny Chey: My hair.
- Melanie Rosen: For who?
- Jenny Chey: For me. Self-esteem. Hello?
- Melanie Rosen: I can't look at you anymore. Any, any of you. I gotta get the fuck out of here.
- Jenny Chey: We could go out, but we have to be back by ten.
- Melanie Rosen: Fuck!
- [Melrose picks up the phone, suspecting another prank call by Dawn and Stacey]
- Melanie Rosen: Fucking cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt!
- Justine Biagi: Hi, it's Justine.
- Melanie Rosen: Oh, hey. What do you want?
- Justine Biagi: I wanted to see if you'd split a pizza.
- Melanie Rosen: Again? Dude, why do you keep ordering pizza?
- [Billy knocks on Justine and Arthie's door]
- Justine Biagi: Hi.
- Billy Offal: Hey.
- [pause]
- Billy Offal: You got black olives this time.
- [pause]
- Justine Biagi: Yeah. I like the color black.
- Billy Offal: Yeah? Cool.
- [pause]
- Billy Offal: So, um, it'll be 11 even.
- Justine Biagi: Oh, right.
- [Justine grabs her wallet and pays Billy for the pizzas]
- Billy Offal: So, um, I'll see you around.
- Justine Biagi: Yeah.
- [Billy walks away as Justine closes the door in embarrassment]
- Justine Biagi: Oh-ohhh! 'I like the color black'? Ugh, he must think I'm a total fucking poser! Why can't I talk to him?
- [sighs]
- Justine Biagi: I can't order any more pizza. I'm out of cash until next Friday.
- Arthie Premkumar: Good thing he wrote his number on the box.
- [Justine turns around and sees Billy's name and phone number on the box]
- Justine Biagi: Whoa. Do you think he actually wants me to call him?
- [pause]
- Arthie Premkumar: Yeah.
- [Debbie notices Ruth going out with Sam and Rhonda]
- Debbie Eagan: Guess all that extra work paid off, huh? For her, anyway.
- Carmen Wade: You wanna talk? You can squat.
- [Carmen continues her squats before throwing the medicine ball to Debbie, who squats and throws it back to Carmen]
- Debbie Eagan: So you have obviously been helping her. You're so good, now she is so good, and I still suck.
- Carmen Wade: Well, Ruth takes it seriously.
- Debbie Eagan: Well, I take this seriously. I'm working out as hard as I can. I had a baby six months ago. My hips are still in the wrong place. Every time Cherry makes us jump rope, I leak a little, but, you know, I'm here.
- Carmen Wade: It's not the workouts. The problem is, you think wrestling is stupid.
- Debbie Eagan: Well, it is stupid. I mean, isn't it?
- Carmen Wade: I prefer exaggerated. I mean, that's the point. My brother, he once had this promoter set him up with a guy who wrestled with a snake. The day of the match, the snake died. Kermit put on a sock puppet and my brother had to wrestle it like it was real.
- Debbie Eagan: That sounds humiliating.
- Carmen Wade: It brought the house down.
- [pause]
- Carmen Wade: Have you never been to a real wrestling match?
- Sam Sylvia: Pat. Pat. Buddy. You may be selling barbecues to moms, but... I see a lot of guys here too. Guys whose lives, quite frankly, didn't work out the way they thought they would. Guys who are wondering just how many more fucking sundials their wives have to show them before their dicks fall off. You know what I'm saying, Pat? You catch my drift? Rhonda, show him what we're talking about.
- [Rhonda removes her blouse to reveal her wrestling outfit]
- Sam Sylvia: Huh? Very nice, baby. Yeah. Right?
- [Patrick prepares the ribbon-cutting ceremony with Rhonda]
- Patrick O'Towne: This is my favorite part. Calabasas homeowners, are you ready to save?
- [total silence from the crowd]
- Patrick O'Towne: I can't hear you.
- [still total silence, as Patrick prepares to cut the ribbon]
- Ruth Wilder: [Russian accent] Nyet! Nyet! Stop this disgrace! Patio Town...
- [spits on the ground]
- Ruth Wilder: ... is disgusting. Capitalism at its worst. So much quality. So much choices. One store, 50 different types of chair. In Soviet Union, we have one chair. We take turns to sit in him. You miss your turn, too bad. You sit on floor for rest of year. This is the greatness of communism.
- Sam Sylvia: BOOOOO!
- [crowd boos at Ruth]
- Bash: Yeah, boo!
- Ruth Wilder: [Russian accent] Okay, okay. I know why you boo. Because so many cash register. At Patio Town, you never get to stand in line. In Soviet Union, line is like cocktail party. Where else you have conversation and KGB don't hear?
- [crowd laughs]
- Patrick O'Towne: Here we go.
- [Patrick cuts the ribbon]
- [Melrose inserts coins in soda machine, but the soda bottle is jammed]
- Melanie Rosen: Fuck my mother in her fucking cunt! I'm thirsty! Fuck you!
- [Melrose notices Debbie and Carmen all dressed up]
- Melanie Rosen: What are you looking at?
- [Debbie and Carmen walk away]
- Melanie Rosen: Oh, you guys are friends now? That's cute. Are you guys going out? 'Cause Cherry's gonna have a shit fit if you guys aren't back by curfew.
- Debbie Eagan: Tell.
- Melanie Rosen: Can I come?
- Ruth Wilder: [Russian accent] Mmm. Delicious. In Soviet Union, we must pay one month's salary for this quality of cat.
- [Sam laughs]
- Ruth Wilder: [Russian accent] Mm. Foster's Freeze. We have same place. Ice Cream Gulag. There, you go in, it's so cold, you die.
- Sam Sylvia: [laughs] I like you like this. I like you more than I usually like you.
- Ruth Wilder: [Russian accent] Mm. Is because you are weak American. I will destroy all you hold dear.
- Sam Sylvia: Russians, best villains since the Nazis. It's too bad you can't do it for real.
- Ruth Wilder: Why can't I do it for real?
- Sam Sylvia: Well, if you're Russian. you have to fight the all-American hero, and Debbie's not even talking to you.
- Ruth Wilder: Well, you never know. She could change her mind.
- [Russian accent]
- Ruth Wilder: Is like old Russian saying: A fisherman cannot kill a chicken till there are no more fish in the sea.
- [Sam giggles, while Rhonda has an uncomfortable look]
- Rhonda Richardson: I need to wee.
- Sam Sylvia: So? Go.
- Rhonda Richardson: Don't you want to come with me?
- Sam Sylvia: What?
- [a disappointed Rhonda steps out of the car]
- Ruth Wilder: [British accent] Do you normally like to watch her wee? Is that something you fancy?
- Sam Sylvia: All right, okay, shut up.
- Ruth Wilder: You're fucking her.
- Sam Sylvia: You fucked what's-his-name.
- Ruth Wilder: He wasn't my boss.
- Sam Sylvia: Right. He was your best friend's husband.
- [pause]
- Sam Sylvia: Sorry. That was defensive. I'm sorry.
- [pause]
- Sam Sylvia: I have a flaw in my conflict style, according to my ex-wife's cognitive behavioral therapist. Why did you do it?
- Ruth Wilder: Why does anyone make a stupid, horrible mistake?
- Sam Sylvia: Well, for me, it's usually 'cause I'm high, or drunk, or someone has done something to make me feel so small and so insecure, that I have to do something to remind myself that I exist. But you don't seem like that kind of person.
- Ruth Wilder: What kind of person do I seem like?
- Sam Sylvia: An okay person.
- [Rhonda enters the car]
- Rhonda Richardson: You know, Sam and I are shagging.
- [embarrassed look in Sam's face as he starts the car]
- Justine Biagi: I mean, does he even know my name? What if I call him, and I'm like, 'Hi, this is Justine,' and he's like, 'Who?'
- Arthie Premkumar: He knows your name.
- Justine Biagi: Maybe he's been expecting me to call. Now he's mad. What if he, like, hangs up on me? What if I have to talk to his mom?
- [knock on door]
- Justine Biagi: He probably already has a girlfriend, anyway. Some cool punk girl who's in a band, and knows how to give a blow job without choking.
- [Justine opens the door and suddenly sees Billy]
- Justine Biagi: I... I didn't order pizza.
- Arthie Premkumar: I did.
- [Arthie grabs her backpack and walks toward the door]
- Arthie Premkumar: I'm going to study. I'll be back later. In exactly 45 minutes.
- [Arthie pays for the pizza]
- Arthie Premkumar: Don't try to choke on anything. Thanks.
- [Arthie walks out with the pizza as Justine nervously stares at Billy]
- Billy Offal: You didn't call me.
- Justine Biagi: I'm sorry.
- Billy Offal: It's okay.
- [Billy kisses Justine before closing the door]
- Carmen Wade: Mr. Monopoly, the heel. This is gonna be a grudge match.
- Debbie Eagan: Like in real life?
- Carmen Wade: In the story. Every match is like another chapter. It all started when Mr. Monopoly closed down the factory in Steel Horse's town, and he and all of his friends lost their jobs.
- Debbie Eagan: Oh my God.
- Carmen Wade: And then, he kidnapped Crystal, Steel Horse's woman, and brainwashed her. She was his high school sweetheart, but now she thinks he's evil. He still loves her. Every time, tries to win her back.
- [Steel Horse motions for Crystal to go to him, but Mr. Monopoly grabs her by the hair]
- Carmen Wade: It turned out they're actually half-brothers, and...
- Debbie Eagan: And that was his plan all along, to ruin Steel Horse's life in order to get revenge on the father who abandoned him.
- [Carmen and Melrose see that Debbie gets it]
- Debbie Eagan: Oh my God.
- [Mr. Monopoly slaps Crystal]
- Debbie Eagan: It's a soap opera!
- [Steel Horse punches Mr. Monopoly]
- Debbie Eagan: This whole thing is a soap opera! I understand how to do that.
- Carmen Wade: My brother said he's super nice.
- [Carmen knocks on Steel Horse's door. Steel Horse opens the door]
- Carmen Wade: Hi, Dale. I'm Carmen, Tom and Kurt's little sister.
- Steel Horse: Oh, right. Sure.
- Carmen Wade: We just wanted to come back and tell you how amazing that was. Um, these are my friends. Melanie...
- Melanie Rosen: Melrose. Melrose. Hi, it's a pleasure.
- [Melrose shakes hands with Steel Horse]
- Carmen Wade: And Debbie.
- Debbie Eagan: Hi.
- [Debbie shakes hands with Steel Horse, but he pauses and looks at her]
- Steel Horse: You're Laura Morgan. From Paradise Cove.
- Debbie Eagan: Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. I mean, I was.
- Steel Horse: I can't believe I'm meeting you. I'm a huge fan.
- Debbie Eagan: You watch soaps?
- Steel Horse: Yeah. It's where we get all our best ideas from. But I have to say, new Laura can't act for shit.
- [Debbie laughs]
- Steel Horse: I sell it, but he's the one with the real strength, the real craft. That's how it is with the bad guys. They're craftsmen.
- Debbie Eagan: You mean the heel.
- Steel Horse: Superfan over here. Yeah. The heel makes the face. Rick has been making me look good for years.
- Debbie Eagan: That's a good friend.
- Steel Horse: We're not friends. You don't have to be friends to wrestle. It's like... an unspoken language. I look at him like this, he looks at me like that. And we know what's gonna go down. Because that's a partnership, you know? We don't like each other, but we make each other better. Shit in the ring, it's just entertainment. But there's gotta be something there that's real. That's what makes it work. That's what makes it hit you. Right... here.
- [Steel horse places his hand on Debbie's chest]
- Melanie Rosen: Debbie? It's getting late.
- Steel Horse: It's cool. You probably gotta go home to your boyfriend or your husband or whatever.
- Debbie Eagan: Uh, you know what? I am actually recently separated, so...
- Steel Horse: Oh.
- Debbie Eagan: Mm-hmm.
- Melanie Rosen: Debbie, don't make me be the rules person. I'm not emotionally equipped for it.
- Debbie Eagan: You know what? Why don't you just, just, uh... just take my car.
- Carmen Wade: Are you sure?
- Debbie Eagan: I'll, I'll take a cab. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Melanie Rosen: Fantastic. Bye.
- Carmen Wade: If Cherry finds out.
- Debbie Eagan: You know, I'll deal with Cherry. Bye.
- Carmen Wade: [waving at Steel Horse] Thanks for having us.
- Debbie Eagan: Yeah, yeah. Bye.
- [Melrose and Carmen leave the dressing room]
- Steel Horse: Separated?
- Debbie Eagan: Yeah.
- Steel Horse: I feel bad for your husband.
- Debbie Eagan: Really? 'Cause I don't give a shit.
- Debbie Eagan: Fuck. Shit. Where the fuck is that key?
- [Debbie notices Cherry exit her room]
- Debbie Eagan: Hey, Cherry! Oh, good morning. Hi. I'm so sorry, I, uh... Well, had a little bit of an emergency. And... Well, everything's fine, but... I'm just gonna grab my keys, and...
- [Cherry grabs Debbie's cigarette from her mouth]
- Debbie Eagan: Oh, no smoking.
- [Cherry smokes the cigarette]
- Cherry Bang: Keith thinks I quit.
- Debbie Eagan: Well, it's my first pack since, since Randy was born, so...
- Cherry Bang: So... did Steel Horse live up to the name?
- Debbie Eagan: Ha ha. They told you.
- Cherry Bang: Melrose did. I told her what we do to rats where I come from. Bitch shut up after that.
- [Debbie laughs]
- Debbie Eagan: Yeah.
- Cherry Bang: You didn't answer my question.
- [hands cigarette back to Debbie]
- Debbie Eagan: Oh. Um... Yeah, it was good, I guess. You know, it's exciting. It's kind of... So... And fucking weird. I don't know. You know, you're with someone for a long time, and all you think about is the guys you'd get to sleep with is he just, like, disappeared... and then he does. And, and you do, and... You just remember how much easier it is... how much better everything works when, um... it's someone you really know, and, uh, who really knows you.
- Cherry Bang: Sounds like horse was less than steely.
- Debbie Eagan: Oh, no. The horse was steely. Exhaustingly steely. Steely enough that I'm dreading having to pee. So, I gotta get some sleep.
- [hands cigarette back to Cherry]
- Debbie Eagan: Enjoy.
- Cherry Bang: Oh, no. You're not getting off that easy. We've got a 5K uphill.
- Debbie Eagan: 5K?
- Cherry Bang: Just you and me.
- Debbie Eagan: Oh, okay. Give me five minutes to, uh, wash my face and drain my tits.
- Cherry Bang: [holding cigarette] You got until I'm done.
- Debbie Eagan: Okay.
- Cherry Bang: Yep.