The Orville (TV Series)
Old Wounds (2017)
Seth MacFarlane: Capt. Ed Mercer
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Aronov : This is Janice Lee, one of our most brilliant young physicists.
Dr. Claire Finn : [shaking hands] Hello.
Janice Lee : Hi.
Dr. Aronov : Janice has been experimenting with temporal fields and has made... well, a breakthrough would be an understatement.
[Janice sets a banana on the table, then taps on her hand-held pad; an electric bubble covers the banana, and it rapidly rots]
Ed Mercer : So, it's an anti-banana ray?
Kelly Grayson : It's really interesting.
Ed Mercer : We need no longer fear the banana.
Kelly Grayson : Does it work on all fruit?
Ed Mercer : What about salads?
Dr. Aronov : Do you understand what happened to this banana? It's rotten because a month has passed.
Ed Mercer : Since we got here? Yeah, that's what it feels like.
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Ed Mercer : Dr. Claire Finn. You're my chief medical officer, yes?
Dr. Claire Finn : Yes, sir, I am. Welcome aboard.
Ed Mercer : Your credentials are exceptional. Molecular surgery, DNA engineering, psychiatry. You could be posted on a heavy cruiser. What are you doing on the Orville?
Dr. Claire Finn : I always request my transfers based on where I think I'm needed. I feel more stimulated that way.
Ed Mercer : So what made your request this ship?
Dr. Claire Finn : Well, this is your first command, and I think you could use my help.
Ed Mercer : So you think I might screw up.
Dr. Claire Finn : No, sir, I didn't say that, sir.
Ed Mercer : Well, no, but you implied that you don't think I have the balls to do this job.
Dr. Claire Finn : Well, I am your doctor, sir, and if your balls are under par, I'll know.
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Admiral Halsey : I have good news. There's a ship available. It's a mid-level craft. The USS Orville. It's not exactly a heavy cruiser, but it is an exploratory vessel. And we're offering you command.
Ed Mercer : You're kidding.
Admiral Halsey : Honestly, we would have offered you a command earlier, but you haven't really inspired anyone with all that much confidence this past year.
Ed Mercer : [taking something off the desk as he talks] I know. I ha... I've had some personal stuff that's been going on. It's not really worth getting into. Can I have one of these mints?
Admiral Halsey : Those are marbles.
[having already put it in his mouth, Ed spits it back into the bowl]
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Dr. Claire Finn : Captain, let me see that shoulder. Does it hurt?
Ed Mercer : Yeah, it hurts like hell.
Kelly Grayson : That means it's not that bad.
Ed Mercer : What are you talking about, Kelly? I literally just said it hurts like hell.
Kelly Grayson : When he's really in pain, he gives straight answers with no cussing. He's just hoping you give him drugs.
Ed Mercer : That's a bunch of crap, Kelly. I'm in real pain here. I... why, do you have drugs?
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Krill Captain : Give me the device, human, or I will destroy your ship.
Ed Mercer : Sorry, can you... can you move, like, two steps to your right?
Krill Captain : What?
Ed Mercer : Just like a little, t-tiny bit... it's just a lot of dead space there, just...
[the Krill captain steps to his right]
Ed Mercer : Yeah, just right th... perfect. Yeah, sorry. You were just very weirdly framed. It was all I could focus on.
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Ed Mercer : You knew what Arbor Day was, right?
Kelly Grayson : I mean, actually, I had to think a second. Kind of confusing.
Ed Mercer : Nobody knows what Arbor Day is.
Bortus : No.
Alara Kitan : No.
Dr. Aronov : I knew.
Ed Mercer : Well, what would you have said?
Kelly Grayson : I would have said... "You got wood."
Gordon Malloy : [the crew laughs] Yeah. Yes.
Ed Mercer : Yeah, that is better, isn't it?
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Gordon Malloy : So, how many ships in the fleet these days?
Ed Mercer : About 3,000, spread over the whole quadrant. Which, when you think about the size of the galaxy, is actually not...
[seeing Gordon taking a swig of something]
Ed Mercer : What is that? Is that a beer?
Gordon Malloy : Yeah.
Ed Mercer : You're drinking a beer?
Gordon Malloy : Yeah, I'm nervous. You know, it's a new ship, want to make a good impression.
Ed Mercer : It's 9:15 in the morning.
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Ed Mercer : [seeing the Orville] Is that it? It's not bad, right?
Gordon Malloy : No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe, like, a rainbow unicorn, you got something.
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Gordon Malloy : I've never been to the Epsilon Science Station. What's it like?
Bortus : Epsilon 2 is an outpost devoted exclusively to scientific inquiry.
Ed Mercer : Researchers from all over the galaxy petition to work there.
Gordon Malloy : Really? Wow. Any good bars?
Bortus : I will investigate.
Ed Mercer : No, Bortus, you don't have to investigate that.
Bortus : I have already obtained the information.
Ed Mercer : Oh.
Bortus : Shall I withhold it?
Ed Mercer : No, you can tell us.
Bortus : There are no bars.
Gordon Malloy : How about strip clubs?
Ed Mercer : Gordon.
Gordon Malloy : Sorry.
Bortus : There are no strip clubs.
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Ed Mercer : [escaping a Krill attack] Doc, is there another way out of here?
Dr. Aronov : There's an old loading conduit, but it's across the atrium.
Dr. Claire Finn : We're gonna have to sprint for it.
Ed Mercer : All right, get ready.
Kelly Grayson : Doc, stay behind Alara.
Dr. Aronov : Which one's Alara?
Alara Kitan : [stepping forward] Oh, I'm Alara.
Dr. Aronov : Sorry. Still learning names.
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Admiral Halsey : Now, the Orville has a nearly-full crew complement. Her previous captain retired this month. But she's still short a helmsman and a first officer. We're waiting for an XO to become available.
Ed Mercer : Well, you know, I can get you the best helmsman in the fleet.
Admiral Halsey : You mean... Lieutenant Malloy. I'm aware you two are friends.
Ed Mercer : Look, I... I know Gordon has his issues, but we all know there's nobody who can drive a starship like him.
Admiral Halsey : Didn't he once draw a penis on the main viewing screen of outpost T85?
Ed Mercer : He's drawn a lot of penises on a lot of things, but, Admiral, if you were caught in an ion storm, who would you want at the helm?
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Ed Mercer : All right, Lieutenant Alara Kitan, our chief of security.
Alara Kitan : Yes, sir.
Ed Mercer : You're Xelayan, right?
Alara Kitan : I am, sir.
Gordon Malloy : Wait. Don't you guys have, like, super strength?
Alara Kitan : Xelaya's gravitational pull is high compared to the planetary average, so, yes, in Earth normal gravity, my physical strength is elevated.
Ed Mercer : Lieutenant, how old are you?
Alara Kitan : 23.
Ed Mercer : You're 23, and you're chief of security on a starship?
Alara Kitan : Xelayans don't usually join the military, so when one of us does, the Union generally fast-tracks us.
Ed Mercer : Well, I'm... I'm sure they know what they're doing.
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Ed Mercer : So, what are you doing on a Union ship?
Isaac : Your fleet's admiralty offered a posting to any Kaylon willing to take it. As an effort to initiate relations between Kaylon and the Union, we accepted. I was chosen to represent my planet. I see it as an ideal opportunity to study human behavior.
Ed Mercer : Well, we'll, uh... we'll try not to bore you.
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Admiral Halsey : Ed, calm down and be professional about this.
Ed Mercer : Oh, please, there is nothing at all professional about this situation. Okay, this is my ex-wife, who I have not seen since my divorce a year ago after I walked in on her banging a Retepsian.
Admiral Halsey : I know this isn't ideal, but she's the only qualified XO available. And the staff profile compatibility program indicated your skill sets complement hers.
Ed Mercer : Oh, it did? See if your compatibility program can get blue out of a white lampshade.
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Ed Mercer : You know, I've done a pretty good job getting over all this in the past year, and I'm over it, so why don't you tell me what the hell you're doing here?
Kelly Grayson : I heard about your promotion. I also heard there was no XO available, and you know how the fleet admirals are. They don't like to see a captain on his own for too long. And I figured I'd wronged you so badly that if there was something good I could do for you, it'd help me atone in some way. So I requested a transfer. I literally bailed on my own crewmates to come here.
Ed Mercer : Well, you bailed on a whole marriage, so I imagine that was a piece of cake for you, huh?
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Ed Mercer : Dr. Aronov, this is Captain Ed Mercer. We're about to start sending down your supplies.
Dr. Aronov : Actually, Captain, we... we don't need any supplies.
Ed Mercer : I... I don't understand. You requested these supplies yourself, yeah?
Dr. Aronov : I did. I'm sorry. I... I wouldn't have lied unless I had to. Please, come down to the surface. I will explain everything.
Kelly Grayson : [the transmission ends] This is really strange.
Ed Mercer : Yeah, it's a great way to start things off. Bortus, you have the conn. Lieutenant, you're with us.
John LaMarr : [Ed, Kelly, and Alara leave] Did you see that dog in the background licking his balls?
Gordon Malloy : First thing I saw.
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Kelly Grayson : I have an idea.
Ed Mercer : What is it?
Kelly Grayson : Let's give him the device.
Ed Mercer : What?
Kelly Grayson : Dr. Aronov, can you preset the field to fire up at a specific intensity the moment the Krill activate it?
Dr. Aronov : I think so, but why?
Kelly Grayson : And the field can accelerate time a hundred years. Correct?
Dr. Aronov : Yes, it can.
Kelly Grayson : About how long it takes a redwood to grow.
[Ed remembers the redwood seed Dr. Aronov gave him earlier]
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Ed Mercer : All right, Commander, you win. We'll send you the device by remote shuttle. When you receive it, we'll transmit the activation code.
Krill Captain : Do not take long.
Ed Mercer : We won't.
Gordon Malloy : [about Kelly] Maybe she's not such a bitch.
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Ed Mercer : All right, Commander. You have it.
Krill Captain : Excellent. Now, give me the activation code.
Ed Mercer : The code is six, alpha, nine, three, seven, alpha, three, zero, zero. Happy Arbor Day.
[when the device is activated, the Krill ship is destroyed by a growing redwood]
Gordon Malloy : Wait. What's Arbor Day?
Ed Mercer : It's the holiday where you plant the trees.
John LaMarr : I wouldn't have gotten that.
Gordon Malloy : Oh, yeah. No, I didn't get that, either.
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Captain Ed Mercer : So, it's an anti-banana ray
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson (Palicki, Adrianne) : It's really interesting
Captain Ed Mercer : We need no longer fear the banana
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson (Palicki, Adrianne) : Does it work on all fruit?
Captain Ed Mercer : What about salads?
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[Lt. Malloy is flying the two in a shuttle. They are soon boarding the Orville for the first time]
Lt. Gordon Malloy : So, how many ships in the fleet these days?
Captain Ed Mercer : About 3000, spread over the whole quadrant. Which, when you think about the size of the galaxy, is actually... what is that? Is that a beer?
Lt. Gordon Malloy : Yeah.
Captain Ed Mercer : You're drinking a beer?
Lt. Gordon Malloy : Yeah, I'm nervous. You know, it's a new ship, I wanna make a good impression.
Captain Ed Mercer : It's 9:15 in the morning.
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Ed Mercer : Alright, he's got a gun. We have something better.
Kelly Grayson : What?
Ed Mercer : Seatbelts.
