- Johnny Carson: Reubin Askew is dropping out of the Presidential race today. He has a team that will help him make the transition from obscurity to absolute oblivion.
- Johnny Carson: It's a little laid-back out here. Where else would you see a sign in a funeral parlor that says, "No Bare Feet Allowed"?
- Johnny Carson: Reubin Askew, as you probably know, dropped out of the presidential race yesterday. And today he met with his transition team, who will help ease him from obscurity into oblivion.
- John Ritter: I actually went overseas to Edinburgh, to join the Edinburgh Festival with the USC troupe, and I got interested in acting. And I figured, well, at least in acting, you can lie and get away with it; in politics, when I lied, I always had to pay later.
- Johnny Carson: You play reactive type of comedy.
- John Ritter: Well, it's also got me out of a lot of fights in, uh, elementary school, you know - keeping moving, and trying to make the big guys laugh so they don't pound you.
- Jimmy Aleck: [on the Soviet Union banning "E.T."] They said they banned it for religious reasons, but I think they banned it because E.T. looked too much like the Russian women.
- Jimmy Aleck: Have you ever had root beer up your nose? That's unbelievable pain - isn't it unbelievable? I mean, I've never been pregnant, but I get a feeling - bearing a child, root beer up the nose, real close together.
- Jimmy Aleck: [on his parents] He said it in that tone of voice: "I want breakfast in bed." You know what my mom told him? "Sleep in the kitchen."