- Chad Radwell: Did I tell you I started a band? I'm the lead singer, frontman. It's called Gold-Plated Nutsack.
- Zayday Williams: I think she's out for revenge. I think she gathered all the Chanels here in one place so she could knock them off one-by-one. It's like Ten Little Indians.
- Chamberlain Jackson: Whoah! What? You can't say that!
- Zayday Williams: Ten Little Indians, the Agatha Christie novel.
- Chamberlain Jackson: That still doesn't make it okay.
- Chad Radwell: Are you guys boning?
- Dr. Brock Holt: We went to the movies last night, I grabbed her boob.
- Chad Radwell: One boob?
- Dr. Brock Holt: Mmm-hmm.
- Chad Radwell: I thought doctors had game. Why don't you try two handfuls?
- Cathy Munsch: Okay, okay. You can fight over Chanel's breasts later. Though it would be sort of like going to war over the Falklands, a lot of work for a relatively small and insignificant amount of land.
- Cathy Munsch: From now on, when someone has just fought off the killer and they're about to reach down and pull off the mask and find out who it is - NOT the time to distract them with a bunch of questions!
- Chanel Oberlin: #5 is obviously crazy! She prob'ly murdered Katherine herself for the attention because she hasn't been touched IN MONTHS.
- Chanel #3: I don't even think she's touched herself.
- Chanel Oberlin: Even her hand thinks she's gross.
- Chanel #3: The closest she's gotten to sex is when a bookshelf fell on her.
- Ingrid Hoffel: If I know where the Chanels are at any given time, I can make sure they can handle the workload they've been given, considering they're idiots who aren't doctors.
- [Chad confronts Brock in the shower and they both emerge from the same stall, naked]
- Chad Radwell: Well, before this gets any more homoerotic...
- Dr. Brock Holt: I don't think that's possible.
- Denise Hemphill: This is what I learned at Quantico, and by watching movies about Quantico - oooh, and from the hit TV show Quantico, now in its thrilling second season! Here's the thing: If you wanna catch a killer, you gotta get inside the mind of a killer. Or in Zayday's case, underneath the weave of a killer.
- Chad Radwell: Does it bother you that when you spank it, you're being totally gay?
- Dr. Brock Holt: Excuse me?
- Chad Radwell: I mean, you're celebrating Palm Sunday with another bro's hand, so...
- Dr. Brock Holt: These are my hands.
- Chad Radwell: You know, my best bro in college was gay. Until he got murdered. Which brings me to my next question: Is it weird for you that the hand that burps your worm is the hand of a serial killer?
- Dr. Brock Holt: So now you know my secret. What are you gonna do about it?
- Chad Radwell: Oh, you'll find out.
- Dr. Brock Holt: What are you doing?
- Chad Radwell: Uh, showering. My third of the day. I like to stay extra fresh just in case emergency sex pops up.
- Dr. Brock Holt: Look Chad, I'm a surgeon, I'm a brilliant one. You check off two boxes on the dateable guy checklist: handsome and rich. And guess what? I check those too.
- Chad Radwell: Okay, first of all, I have never heard of that checklist, so I call bullcrap on that existing.
- Dr. Brock Holt: Oh, it exists.
- Chad Radwell: Second, did you just call me handsome? Given the circumstances, that's a little weird. Third, I'm glad you brought up boxes. Isn't that what this is all about, Chanel's box?
- Cathy Munsch: You don't happen to know if there are any New Guinean restaurants in town, do you?
- Zayday Williams: No. I didn't even know that was a thing.
- Cathy Munsch: Yeah, I just have a taste for it.
- Chanel #5: My first boyfriend's name was Clarence. He had hair like Richard Grieco and played lacrosse but he was also imaginary. We dated all throughout high school, and the day before graduation he broke up with me. I thought things would be different in college. I mean, especially when I joined Kappa and became a Chanel, but then Chanel told everybody that I had teeth in my vagina, so it's basically impossible for me to get a date.
- [Chad is dressed in the Red Devil costume]
- Chanel Oberlin: It wasn't funny when you snuck into the insane asylum in the middle of the night and scared me in my bed and it's not funny now.
- Chad Radwell: I thought it was pretty funny. Maybe not "Happy Gilmore" funny, definitely "Big Daddy" funny.
- Zayday Williams: I'm afraid you have kuru.
- Cathy Munsch: What the hell's kuru?
- Chamberlain Jackson: It's a disease that cannibalists get after they eat people.