- Emery Elizabeth: What's his name?
- Landon: His name is uh, uh, uh, Snowden.
- Phelous: He, uh, might have to flee the country soon.
- Emery Elizabeth: Electra. That starts with an E, just like Emery Elizabeth.
- Phelous: Save it for Sesame Street, sis.
- Phelous: In Storyland, Snowden works for Electra's Smiles of the Third Reich and teaches Em to use her mind to overcome her wheelchair and turn it into a train, which is all she has to do in real life too.
- [as the doctor]
- Phelous: If she turns her wheelchair into a train by Christmas, I think she'll be alright.
- Phelous: [Emery Elizabeth awkwardly moves back and forth in time to the singing] Well, I'm not sure if this nightmare fuel is working for Em here, or she's just got hemorrhoids. Well, looks like someone didn't believe in their butt enough.
- Landon: When everyone was asleep, he crept passed the palace guards and stormed into Princess Electra's bedroom.
- Phelous: Oh shit, I don't think I'm gonna like how he makes her lose her smile.
- Landon: Charlatan took the smile right off the sleeping princess's face and locked it tight into a little black box.
- Phelous: Oh, he LITERALLY stole her smile. Shouldn't she have no mouth then, and she must scream?
- Snowden: Quick, smile, both of you.
- [Em and Landon look at each other]
- Snowden: I said smile!
- [the kids grin]
- Phelous: [puts on a forced grin and laughs nervously; whispers] Call the police.
- Snowden: [to Emery Elizabeth] If you stopped feeling sorry for yourself for a minute, you'd figure out exactly what to do.
- Phelous: Did... did he really just say that? Y'know, Snowden, there's a bit of a difference between a motivational speech and just being a prick.
- Emery Elizabeth: There's a time for questions, Landon, and there's a time for action.
- Phelous: I suppose, if that action is getting a flamethrower to make sure that demon beast snowman that broke into your house last night is actually dead.
- Landon: Sleep and dream, dream and sleep, rest your eyes, your worries will keep.
- Phelous: What, is he trying to hypnotize her now?
- Landon: [joined by Snowden's voice] So sleep and dream, dream and sleep, not a word now, not a peep.
- Phelous: Oh, he's just summoning a demon. Well, that's okay then.
- [chuckles in disbelief]
- Phelous: What the fuck am I watching?
- Phelous: [reading from a personalized Christmas story] "The little boy looked surprised. 'My name is Phelan Porteous,' he said." Seriously? HE'S in this? Good thing Landon didn't Emery this story. I can't stand that guy.
- Landon: If you eat a bowl of oatmeal, I'll tell you all about where Snowden comes from, and how he saved Princess Electra and her kingdom.
- Emery Elizabeth: Tell me.
- Landon: All it will take from you is eating a little oatmeal.
- Phelous: So she's malnourished, her parents are doing NOTHING, and the best the doctor's got is, "Lol. Hope she tries."
- Snowden: I was hoping to spare you this.
- Phelous: No, you weren't. You ran in and woke them up to tell them about it, you snow ass.
- Landon: [even though the beds' texture clearly looks like waffles] Are those beds made of marshmallows?
- Phelous: What... does that LOOK like marshmallow?
- Snowden: Yes, they are.
- Phelous: [Phelous stares, dumbfounded, and shrugs] I have never before seen waffles confused with marshmallows, but there you go. What a magic gift. Thanks, Snowman.
- Landon: One day, Emery Elizabeth and Landon were visiting Princess Electra's magical kingdom.
- Emery Elizabeth: You and me?
- Phelous: Oh yeah, didn't I tell you this was going to be a self-insertion fanfic? Though you're still in a wheelchair 'cause you just didn't want it bad enough.
- Phelous: Time for a crap song as we're shown around this magical land where freaks wave their knives at you. Truly a place we all want to be.
- Emery Elizabeth: Who is this Charlatan guy?
- Landon: Tune in tomorrow.
- Emery Elizabeth: What?
- Phelous: [as Landon] Looks like you're gonna have to not die tonight if you want to hear the rest of the story. Ha ha ha, I'm so clever.
- [as himself]
- Phelous: When all medicine fails, don't finish a snowman story. You might just save a life.
- Phelous: I know you're not aspiring to be much here, Magic Gift of the Snowman, but here's an idea: have a point.
- Landon: Just turn your wheelchair into a car or something.
- Emery Elizabeth: I can't.
- Snowden: Just as I thought, her fear is interfering with her magic.
- Phelous: [as Snowden] We'll have to give her 50 ccs of Yum so that she shits out her Yuck and can refill her magic meter.
- Emery Elizabeth: If ice cubes float, maybe, just maybe, you'll float too.
- Pennywise: [insert from It] They all... float, down here.
- Snowden: That's it? That's your idea.
- Landon: It's a brilliant idea.
- Snowden: Brilliant? I think not.
- Phelous: So Snowden had put the burden of coming up with a plan on Em, seemingly to try and at least boost her self-esteem, but when she actually does, he calls it stupid. Wow.
- Phelous: Yep, that just happened. We just saw someone burned alive in a magical snowman movie. Guess those are just some of the magical hell-fires of Christmas.
- Snowden: Princess Electra's smile is the secret to her power. No one is able to deny her anything once they have seen it.
- Phelous: Well, that's some pretty horrible implications. What the hell's the matter with you, Magic Gift of the Snowman?
- [as Snowden]
- Phelous: Here's my gift: having your free will surrendered to my smiling tyrant overlord.