Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV Series)
Sabotage (2015)
Andy Samberg: Jake Peralta
Photos
Quotes
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Jake Peralta : I know technically I'm not supposed to help out, but rules are made to be broken.
Amy Santiago : They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Jake Peralta : Uh, piñatas.
Rosa Diaz : Glow sticks.
Jake Peralta : Karate boards.
Rosa Diaz : Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Jake Peralta : Rules.
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Geoffrey Hoytsman : You never should have arrested me.
Jake Peralta : But I basically got your cocaine charges dropped. You only had to do 40 hours of community service.
Geoffrey Hoytsman : Right, but I wanted to get them all done at once, so for energy, I did way too much cocaine and meth. Went on a prolonged psychotic episode involving assault, public fornication, and, apparently, the touching of my scrotum to every doorknob in a synagogue.
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Jake Peralta : I can prove that I filled up my tank, all right? I even have a receipt, because I keep all my receipts like a mature adult person.
[Pulls out a pocket-full]
Jake Peralta : Laser tag, wheelie shoes, remote control monster truck...
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Raymond Holt : I'm gonna need you to hand in your badge and gun.
Jake Peralta : All right, fine, you can have my badge and gun, but we're doing it in your office so I can slam them down on your desk and yell out, "The system stinks!"
Raymond Holt : Actually, the procedure is to bring your gun and badge down to the equipment room on the second floor, fill out form 452-underscore-J, hand said form in to the inventory clerk, and then receive a claim check through interoffice mail.
Jake Peralta : The system stinks!
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Jake Peralta : People are gonna notice if I disappear.
[His phone beeps]
Jake Peralta : See? Someone's already looking for me. You're in big trouble, buddy.
Geoffrey Hoytsman : [Reads] Your e-coupon for Big Mike's Calzones expires today.
Jake Peralta : You're damn right. And if I don't redeem that, Big Mike is gonna get real suspicious.