- Chanel #5: Well, I found this old talking board in the basement.
- Chanel Oberlin: Those things don't work!
- Hester Ulrich: Yes, they do. Didn't you see the movie?
- Chanel Oberlin: The movie Ouija? No! No one did!
- Chanel Oberlin: See, this is why you turdlets need me. You're not even competent enough to kill one lousy sorority co-president. Newsflash, felchers: rat poison only works because because rodents don't have a gag reflex. If you gave a human rat poison they would immediately puke it all up; so not only would I have survived your attempt on my life, it would have also made me skinnier.
- Chanel Oberlin: Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today because a backstabbing little bitch got exactly what was coming to her.
- Chanel #2: See, despite what you heard, Hell sucks, it's not fun. Yes, there are water slides, but they're lined with razor blades and you splash down into a pool of boiling pee. Also, zero dinosaurs.
- Chanel Oberlin: There's no dinosaurs?
- Chanel #2: No. As soon as I got there, I was like: "Where are the dinosaurs?" And they were like: "We know. Jesus broke in and stole them."
- Chanel Oberlin: Okay, so how's this supposed to work?
- Chanel #3: We all put our hands on this thing called a planchette and promise not to move it. Chanel #2's spirit will move it after we contact her.
- Chanel Oberlin: What if Chanel #2 is busy getting Eiffel Towered by Hitler and Satan?
- [the Chanels prepare to use a Ouija Board]
- Chanel Oberlin: This board looks evil.
- Chanel #5: What are you talking about? It has two dancing demons, a dead old lady and cute little pentagrams.
- Chad Radwell: You just can't let dead people get to you. Okay? They're super pissed off they're dead, so they're coming from a place of anger.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: I don't trust a girl with a huge bush of pubic hair. Makes me think she has something to hide.
- [first lines]
- Chanel Oberlin: [narrating] I think I figured out what my problem is. I'm way too nice. As soon as Chanel #2's parents learned that their daughter's dead body had been found, they went on a cruise to celebrate. That's how much they hated the dead bitch. So when it fell to me to host an open-casket funeral as if her dying wish had been to be cremated and shot in the face, I was like "Yeah! Okay!" So stupid.
- Chanel Oberlin: [to the displayed corpse as she puts a white rose onto it] This is what happens to sneaky back-stabbers.
- [coldly blows kiss]
- Chanel #3: [respectfully places another white rose on the corpse] Just so you know I took all your clothes.
- Chanel #5: [placing another rose] It's too bad you had to die.. before we found out what ethnicity you are.
- Chanel Oberlin: So, have fun being dead, Number Two. You are a stupid, little trollop and I hope you're burning in hell right now! Amen.
- Chanel #2: And, I'm sorry that I had sex with Chad Radwell. I was just jealous. I wanted what you had, and I really needed my tube packed.
- Chanel Oberlin: This dumb, dead whore also used her high-ponied wiles to seduce my man into rubbing uglies with her. So I hope you all grasp the concept that this is what happens when you rub uglies with my man - you end up dead!
- [Chanel finds Chad lying in bed in his underwear, holding a goat]
- Chad Radwell: Chanel, this is not what it looks like.
- Chanel Oberlin: Are you having sex with a goat? We had a promise, Chad! You looked me in the eye and promised you would try to be monogamous!
- Chad Radwell: Uh, yeah, huh-doi, Chanel! I have been monogamous! Yes, I've looked at a ton of porn. Yes, I've been rubbing one out every five to ten minutes. But no, Chanel, I've not cheated on you.
- Chanel Oberlin: Chanel #2 told me from beyond the grave that you were cheating and then I catch you in bed with a farm animal!
- Chad Radwell: Hey, she is not a farm animal! Her name is Rammy and she is a non-human helper companion!
- Chad Radwell: Lactose intolerance afflicts around fifty percent of the human population, who spend their entire lives walking past Baskin-Robbins knowing that if they even have a little bite of ice cream, they're gonna fart a bunch!
- Grace Gardner: My dad is a megadork and he's super into you, but I know him and, trust me, he's gonna start getting bummed about your clothes eventually.
- Gigi Caldwell: Okay, I'm not totally sure you understand how fashion works. In, like, five years, my clothes are gonna be super hip again!
- Pete Martinez: Feather, we wanted to ask you some questions about Dean Munsch.
- Feather McCarthy: She did it! Whatever it is, she was involved somehow. That woman is friggin' nuts!
- Feather McCarthy: He wasn't really attractive at all, but, I mean, he was the Beatles professor. So we started having sex. Not *all* the time. He was in his mid-50's, so he could really only get it up, like, once or twice a week.
- Feather McCarthy: Steven had this old iPod thing that you plug in and it picks up music from the air.
- Grace Gardner: A transistor radio.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: I knew I had one Hurricane too many but, let's be honest, one Hurricane is one Hurricane too many. But so drunk that you fall down the stairs in your own apartment? Wow!
- Detective Chisolm: I've been to your apartment. You don't have any stairs.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Well, that shows you how drunk I was. I hallucinated a flight of stairs!
- Detective Chisolm: This is awkward because, you know, we're kinda friends...
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Oh no, no. When my mouth has been where it's been on your body, I think we can safely say we are more than "kinda friends."
- [in voice over, as she dances around her living room with a glass of wine]
- Dean Cathy Munsch: You know what they say: "Nothing tastes as good as revenge feels." Actually, they don't say it. I just sort of made that up, but here's something they do say:
- [looks directly into the camera and speaks]
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
- Chanel Oberlin: [the Chanels are using a ouija board to contact the spirit of Chanel #2] If this really is Chanel #2, then she'll know the answer to the real question. Chanel #2, who's killing everybody?
- Chanel #5: [the planchette being used spells out the word 'You'] She says you are.
- Chanel Oberlin: That's it! I am done with this dead, lying bitch! I'm done with you, Number Two! Have fun in Hell, going to dinner with Osama Bin Laden.
- Hester Ulrich: [eyes raised to ceiling] Chanel #2, if this is really you... use your magical *dead* powers to tell me how many tampons I have in my purse.
- [the marker shifts to '9']
- Hester Ulrich: Oh, my God, she is right! She is right!
- [takes out the whole lot and displays them on the Ouija board]
- Chanel Oberlin: [with distaste] Why do you have nine tampons? How big is your cooch?