- Chanel #3: [re being the one now in charge of the sorority, and finding Zayday] You can sum up my viewpoint on this with one word: indifference.
- Chad Radwell: I took a class last semester called "American Presidents," or something like that. And they taught us about a man named John Fitzpatrick Kennedy, Jr. And that dude wrote a book about the time he served in Vietnam called "Profiles in Courage." Is that not what we are talking about right now? Courage? Halloween is the greatest night of the year. Greatest night! Because on this night, even shy, kind of homely girls dress up like total sluts. I mean every costume's just a slutty version of something. Slutty teacher, slutty nurse, slutty nun. I saw a girl last year dressed as slutty Al-Qaeda! Are we going to deny ourselves the sluttiest night of the year out of fear? Will you look at Caufield? This dude got his arms sawed off; he's not hiding out. He is down to rage!
- Caulfield: Hell, yeah, I am!
- Chad Radwell: See Halloween, it's a night for dudes with killer bods to walk around with our shirts off. And it is totally appropriate as long as we call ourselves gladiators, Chippendales. As our 60th president John Kennedy, Jr. said, "The only thing we have to fear, it's fear itself." Well, in this case serial murderers too. But we're not afraid of either of those things, nuh-uh. So... cancelling Halloween sucks. Thank you.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: I have no idea how you got into this college.
- Chanel Oberlin: [planning her Halloween party] Okay, music. Go.
- Hester Ulrich: I contacted Adam Levine, and Maroon 5 is in.
- Chanel Oberlin: Great. Go.
- Chanel #3: Okay, well, the good news is I talked to Fergie's agent, and she's in. The bad news is, and this is totally on me, but I Googled "Fergie's agent", and ended up talking to this British guy before I realized his client was actually Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, so... my bad, both Fergies are coming.
- Chanel Oberlin: So stupid. But go.
- Chanel #5: Okay, so, um... I wasn't able to get Led Zeppelin.
- Chanel Oberlin: What?
- Chanel #5: Well, apparently, one of them died or something.
- Chanel Oberlin: Damn it, Number Five. Do you have any idea what's at stake here? If this Black Hairy Tongue Pumpkin Patch Maze Concert isn't the biggest thing to ever happen to this campus, I will lose the Kappa House presidency, and Chad Radwell will dump me.
- Chanel #5: Okay, well, it's not my fault that some guy died in the '70s.
- Chanel Oberlin: Excuse me, then whose fault is it? Mine? I am *tired* of your excuses, #5. I am *tired* of your sad sack "I'm a total downer all the time" schtick! I asked you to reunite *one* legendary rock-and-roll outfit so that guys will show up to my patch, and you're all like "Oh, some guy died!"
- [stamps her high-heeled foot]
- Chanel Oberlin: I'm over it!
- [storms off, then turns back]
- Chanel Oberlin: We still have one more thing to do!
- [minions follow eagerly]
- Chanel #5: [Chanel Oberlin is showing the other Chanels her Jackie Kennedy Halloween costume] Oh my God! Why are you so depressed?
- Chanel Oberlin: My husband was shot in Dallas, idiot! For this year's Halloween, the Chanels will be going as the wives of fallen presidents. I am Jackie Kennedy. Number Six, you will be going as the emotionally fragile Ida McKinley, whose husband was felled by an anarchist's bullet.
- [Number Six nods]
- Chanel Oberlin: Number Three, you will be going as the homely and religious Lucretia Garfield, the bereaved wife of President James Garfield.
- Chanel #3: Hold up. No way. Why do I have to be the homely one?
- Chanel Oberlin: There's only so many murdered presidents, Number Three!
- Chanel #3: What about Mary Todd Lincoln?
- Chanel Oberlin: Number Five is Lady Lincoln, obvi.
- Chanel #5: Wait, what do you mean "obvi"?
- Chanel Oberlin: [Pointing at Chanel #5] Just a second, nutbag.
- [to Chanel #3]
- Chanel Oberlin: If you're gonna be a pain about it, I guess we could open it up to presidents who were *almost* assassinated. So, you can either be Betty Ford, which means you'll have to get wasted and stay wasted all night or you can be alleged Hollywood mattress, Nancy Reagan.
- Chanel #3: Dibs. I'm Nancy Reagan.
- Chanel #5: Wait. Why am I Mary Todd Lincoln?
- Chanel Oberlin: God, do I have to spell it out for you? You're out of your frigging gourd, Number 5. You're a weird, psycho lunatic, who's gonna end up in an asylum somewhere, staring at a wall, trying to nurse a watering can. You're a Mary Todd Lincoln if ever there was one.
- Chanel #5: That's it! I can't take this anymore!
- Chanel Oberlin: That is *such* a Mary Todd Lincoln thing to say.
- Denise Hemphill: Why are y'all still in here? This ain't "The Marriage Ref." This ain't "Judge Joe Brown." We ain't on the Maury show. We ain't standing in line trying to get tickets to "Dr. Phil." I am not Steve Harvey, people, and this ain't the "Family Feud."
- Chanel Oberlin: As you all know by now, Dean Munsch has decided to cancel Halloween. My daddy's lawyer said there wasn't enough time to file an injunction, and that I clearly don't understand what an injunction is if I asked him to file one in this situation.
- Hester Ulrich: I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I'm what you call a switch-hitter.
- Chanel #5: Wait, are you bisexual? Because that's what switch-hitter means. You mean double-agent?
- Hester Ulrich: Look, I'm all for Zayday not being tortured or killed or whatever, but don't you think a girl who wants to be president of this house should be able to prove her abilities by escaping from the lair of a psychopath?
- Grace Gardner: That has nothing to do with being sorority president!
- Sam: Actually, in this sorority it would a pretty powerful campaign platform.
- [Dean Munsch tells Denise she slept with Chad Radwell]
- Dean Cathy Munsch: I could have lost my job. And it wasn't even good, you know? I mean, it lasted like 45 seconds and the whole time it just felt like I was getting stabbed in the abdomen.
- Denise Hemphill: Zayday Williams ain't dead. I keep tellin' ya'all, Zayday is the killer!
- Grace Gardner: No, that's insane. There is no way she's the killer.
- Denise Hemphill: Bitch had a chainsaw in her room!
- Denise Hemphill: Come on, we need to go find her. The sun sets in an hour.
- Denise Hemphill: That's right, Halloween is upon us and the devil, he is gonna come a-runnin'.
- Jennifer: She said once you were behind bars she was gonna spread a rumor that the only reason you're skinny is because your parents stole your kidneys, just like Gary Coleman's did.
- Roger: Spitroasting you caused my brother and I to fall in love with you. Neither of us are content with sharing you anymore.
- Dodger: That's right, Chanel #5, you need to choose one of us. And if you choose my brother, you're choosing his side of the Eiffel Tower forevermore.
- Chanel #5: Why are we doing this right now?
- Roger: Choose, #5! Pick a side of the Eiffel Tower!
- Zayday Williams: The Red Devil kidnapped me and took me to his evil lair! He kept me in a pit!
- Chanel #3: Did he dig the pit himself?
- Zayday Williams: How should I know?
- Chanel #3: Just wondering where you find a house with a pit. The market for them would be pretty limited.
- Hester Ulrich: Did you kill him? Because if you did, you need to tell us all of the details, including what his eyes looked like when he took his last breath. They say in that moment, the soul tells all of its secrets.
- Chanel Oberlin: No, THEY don't. No one says that!
- Hester Ulrich: Yeah, they do.
- [thinking, after getting arrested]
- Chanel Oberlin: Oh, my God, I'm burping uncontrollably like Robert Durst! They'll know I'm guilty!
- Denise Hemphill: I slept with Chad too and it was amazing! I tied him up and I kept my uniform on and proceeded to read him his rights, my favorite being, "You got the right to remain sexy!" That was one of the best nights of my life. Granted, when Chad and I get together, it's mostly about the role play. I mean, we go on for a while but that's because we both do extensive character research, so there's a surprising amount of dialogue.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: I've already contacted the police department despite the fact that a person can't be considered missing until at least 72 hours has passed.
- Grace Gardner: She could be dead by then!
- Gigi Caldwell: She could be dead now! I'm sorry, that's morbid, but she could be. She probably is!
- Denise Hemphill: I'm getting a nervous feeling in my stomach. I might start fartin'. If I cut some, you promise not to tell anyone?
- Gigi Caldwell: I... No, I won't tell anyone.
- Sam: You're alive.
- Zayday Williams: Damn straight I'm alive! Can't be the next president of this joint if I'm dead!
- Chanel Oberlin: You know, I've never thought of myself as a killer. But I am seriously considering ramming this pick into the back of your eye socket.
- [as the little blonde cowers:]
- Chanel Oberlin: Or you can elect... a different punishment. Go get that pumpkin patch ready!
- Chanel #5: There's a curfew tonight, okay? The killer's obviously gonna be out!
- Chanel Oberlin: Maybe you'll get your head sawed off. I can't think of a better Chaneloween treat than that.
- Chanel #5: [shakes her head] You're a psychopath, Chanel. I'm not doing it!
- Chanel Oberlin: Interesting. Well, fine then. I guess I'll just have to resort to Plan B. I'll show Roger and Dodger video proof that their *hot* new girlfriend regularly rubbed it out in her room while watching Dora The Explorer.
- Chanel #5: You have cameras in my room?
- Chanel Oberlin: I have eyes everywhere, bitch! And the name of my future perfume is Revenge.
- [as #5 capitulates:]
- Chanel Oberlin: Remember, I want candles in *every* jack-o'-lantern!
- [walks away]