Archer (TV Series)

Three to Tango (2015)

Coby Bell: Conway Stern

Photos 

Quotes 

• Guard : Ay! Coronel!

  Sterling Archer : Um, okay.

  Guard : Su carat, Coronel, por favor.

  Sterling Archer : Uh, bueno. Conmigo estan el Presidente de Brasil. Y su...

  [Archer opens the back window] 

  Sterling Archer : esposa grande.

  Guard : [sighs]  Por supuesto, Coronel Cal... Espere. Lando?

  Guard : [with suspicion, reaching for his holster]  Calrissiano?

  Sterling Archer : So, here's the thing with that.

  [Guard pulls his gun, but tranquilizer dart hits him in the neck] 

  Guard : [holding tranq gun]  Boring conversation anyway.

  Lana Kane : God damn it, Archer!

  Sterling Archer : That's Coronel Calrissiano to you!

  [Archer floors the gas, smashing through the arm and racing into the parking structure] 

  Conway Stern : Archer!

  Lana Kane : Don't drive angry!

  [Archer slams on the brakes amongst more guards] 

  Lana Kane : What the hell are you doing?

  Sterling Archer : I'm Archer-izing this plan!

  Lana Kane : What? No, no! Unh-uh. You cannot make yourself a verb! I will not allow it.

  Sterling Archer : [laughing]  I'm a verb now, Lana. Deal with it!

  [Archer gets out of the car, then ducks back in] 

  Sterling Archer : And then, also, cover me, please.

• Lana Kane : Because, you jackass, to recap: you locked us in the stupid limo!

  Sterling Archer : Well, I still don't see why that means I'm the one that has to carry Pyle.

  Conway Stern : Well, then slice out his retinas, okay?

  Sterling Archer : I can't. It would kill Lou-Ann.

• Sterling Archer : [being choked by a laughing Conway Stern]  How do you still have two hands?

  [Stern tears at Conway's left hand, revealing bionics] 

  Sterling Archer : You cyborg son-of-a-bitch.

  [Lana hits Conway over the head with the teapot she's been making tea with while humming to the tango tune playing throughout their fight. The music stops] 

  Lana Kane : You're out... of sugar.

  [Conway groans] 

  Sterling Archer : [hoarsely]  Oh good. You're making tea. 'Cause I could use some with honey and lemon. And bourbon. But actually, without the honey and lemon. And the tea.

  Lana Kane : So just bourbon.

  Sterling Archer : But I doubt if the...

  Conway Stern : Aah.

  Sterling Archer : [normal voice]  Oh, shut up. Don't ruin it. I had something for...

  Conway Stern : Puke Skywalker? Mm.

  Sterling Archer : God damn it! Anyway, I doubt the robot has any bourbon, and I'm not really in the mood for a WD-40 and Coke. Unless that is, literally, the only thing to drink.

• Conway Stern : Ugh. I think I might be concussed. "Hell hath no fury," huh?

  Lana Kane : Meaning?

  Conway Stern : "As a woman scorned," Lana. Remember? I kinda scorned you last time we met?

  Lana Kane : [chuckling]  Yeah, you are definitely concussed.

  Sterling Archer : Not to mention a Decepticon! Where the hell did you get a bionic hand?

  Conway Stern : Uh...

  Doctor Krieger : [flashback]  So, what's new? How you been?

  Conway Stern : Shhharper Image?

  Lana Kane : Uh-huh. Sounds more like Krieger.

  Sterling Archer : Jesus Christ! Will he not rest until we've all been enslaved by Skynet?

  Lana Kane : Hey, we are leaving in five, so...

  Sterling Archer : Just as soon as I enjoy this here Vermante and Kanya smoothie with a WD-40 float.

  [drinks some from a straw, coughs] 

  Sterling Archer : Ugh, although "enjoy" is maybe a bit strong.

• Lana Kane : Hey! Enough, you two!

  Sterling Archer , Conway Stern : Tell him that!

  Lana Kane : Pretty sure I just did.

• Lana Kane : Wait. You already knew the code?

  Sterling Archer : Of course he did, he's a cyborg. It was probably Gaius Baltar's...

  [Conway Stern shoots Archer in the back five times. Literally] 

  Lana Kane : Archer? You double-crossing son-of-a-bitch!

  Sterling Archer : [out of breath]  Cahh- called it.

  Conway Stern : Well, yeah. Come on. We all saw this comin'. Now, drop 'em.

  [Lana drops her two guns] 

  Sterling Archer : I-I was gonna say, "zip code," guys.

• Lana Kane : And what are you doing in the window?

  Conway Stern : [a la Chuck D]  Base!

  Conway Stern : [normal voice]  Jumping.

  [laughs] 

  Conway Stern : This is a parachute.

• Sterling Archer : Who are you? Wait. Hang on.

  Conway Stern : Horatio Kane.

  Sterling Archer : God damn it.

  Conway Stern : But, Kane, obviously, spelled with a...

  Sterling Archer : I got it!