Quotes
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Commissioner Mick Foley : As we're all aware, Stone Cold Steve Austin was run over by an automobile last November. Now, presently I have been conducting my own investigation, Steve Austin has been conducting his own investigation. It just seems to me that in the history of crime and punishment, no legal matter has ever been solved with a Stone Cold Stunner. But apparently, this is Steve Austin's way, so last Thursday, I told him the Stunners would not be tolerated, and then I used a couple of strong words. I said, "Stop performing the Stunner, or else." Then on Thursday night, Steve Austin responded to my promise with the following videotape. Please take a look.
[on the TitanTron, two clips from "SmackDown!" are played]
Commissioner Mick Foley : Steve Austin interfered in not one title match, costing the Road Dogg a chance at the hardcore championship, but a second title match by Stunning both X-Pac and Al Snow in a European title match. Then he walks up to me as I try to find out what the hell is going on, and he's disrespectful. So, now what I'd like to do is give Steve Austin a chance to come out here and explain his actions, and I'm hoping, like most of you are, that we can come out of this with a very happy ending. So without further ado, Stone Cold, why don't you come on out here?
[the crowd erupts as Austin's music hits and he comes out to the ring]
Commissioner Mick Foley : Steve, I understand that you have yourself a little problem with authority figures, but, hell, I'm just the commissioner, I'm not necessarily your enemy. I am not Vince McMahon. I am very aware of your feelings about Vince McMahon. Hell, the Vince McMahon/Austin feud helped make the WWF what it is today. But look at me, Steve. I don't have Vince McMahon's money, I don't have Vince's suits, I damn sure don't have his hairstyle, I don't even have Vince McMahon's guns. But you gotta understand this, as commissioner, when I make a promise, I need to keep it or else I might as well not even be in the damn ring. Now, I understand you got run over by an automobile, I understand you're a little bit pissed off. You are free to conduct your investigation any way you see fit. But I need to have your word on this matter, and that word is you will not interfere in matches again.
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin : You see, that's where we got the biggest problem of the night, right here. You keep saying that you're trying to help me, you make all these promises; oh, you're gonna help Stone Cold out with the investigation, you're gonna get the bottom of it. "Hold back, Stone Cold, don't Stun anybody." You ain't proved a damn thing but sit on your ass to me. And let me just go on record as saying how lackadaisical and how laughable your actions have been as far as trying to help Stone Cold. Over the weekend, I was sitting at the house in front of a pile of empty beer cans, and a commercial came on the TV and it got me to thinking, I said, "Yeah, maybe I need to go outside to get some help." So it might... might not have been a very good decision at the time, but I picked up the phone, I know, yeah, I called Cleo on the psychic hotline. After about two and a half beers of listening to Cleo, I realized, one, she had a pretty cool accent, but two, Cleo didn't have a clue who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I can look in your eyes and listen to your voice and tell that you ain't got a clue, either. Meanwhile, the son of a bitch that ran Stone Cold over is in the back somewhere, and you ain't doing a damn thing about it.
Commissioner Mick Foley : You see, that's where you're wrong, Steve. That's where you're wrong. I understand, maybe my actions have seemed a little bit lackadaisical to you, so what I did, at my own expense, is I brought in a suspect who at the time was not just a suspect but a prime suspect, and I flew that damn person in with my own money. He's here tonight, and he will come out to face the music. So, Badd Ass Billy Gunn, come on out!
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Commissioner Mick Foley : You guys, you love the gold, right?
Commissioner Mick Foley : You need the gold.
Edge : I'm jonesing for it!
Christian : We want it.
Commissioner Mick Foley : Well, tonight, I'm going to give you a shot at gold.
Edge , Christian : [high-fiving] Yes!
Commissioner Mick Foley : No! Don't you remember the deal last week? If you didn't beat the Hardys, you didn't get any more tag-team shots while they were champions. I'm giving you a shot at Steve Blackman's gold. Yeah, hardcore!
Edge : That's not even real gold. It's, like, all cracked and stuff.
Christian : The hardcore title? Mick, let me tell you something. You're nothing but a heinousicist.
Edge : Yeah.
Christian : Yeah.
Commissioner Mick Foley : That's not true. I'm a Sagittarius.
[laughing as he leaves]
Commissioner Mick Foley : Just kidding, I'm a Gemini. Twins, baby!
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Kurt Angle : First of all, Rock, Rulon Gardner did not beat the unbeatable, because I wasn't in the Olympic Games. Oh, it's true. It's true. And I said this once and I'll say it again, how dare you... how dare you belittle my Olympic celebration?
[the crowd boos]
Kurt Angle : Now, Rulon Gardner had himself a nice little win, and I'm sure some of the local papers picked up on it, but I captured the heart of America. I I gave these people something they never had, a reason to live. And that's true. And I will not let these people down like some other Olympic gold medalists from these parts, and I'm talking about Michael Jordan.
[the crowd jeers]
Kurt Angle : [sarcastic] Well, nice job running the Wizards, Mike. You really seem to know what you're doing.
[getting into the ring]
Kurt Angle : And, Rock, you say I got lucky on "SmackDown!"? You say I needed Stephanie's help? Well, think again, buster, because I'll tell you what. I can beat you any time I want. And if you want to go again tonight, I'll defeat you once again and become the next WWF champion. And in the process, I will teach every young American how to be like Kurt.
[Mick Foley's music hits, and he comes out to join them in the ring]
Commissioner Mick Foley : Kurt, I have been in the wrestling business for a long time. I've seen some horrible things; gut-wrenching things, nauseating things, but I have never seen anything as horrible as the image of a nation full of little Kurts. Now, Rock, I understand that you want a piece of Kurt Angle; heck, who doesn't? But tonight, I'm gonna ask you to let him slide, because I happen to know there's someone backstage, right here in Washington, D.C...
[the crowd cheers]
Commissioner Mick Foley : ...who wants a piece of you just a little more.
[as if on cue, Triple H's music hits, and he comes out to the ring with Stephanie]
Triple H : First things first, how dare you, Rock, to make fun of this man's Olympic victory? Rock, you should be ashamed of yourself, because quite frankly, that is my job.
[he and Mick both imitate Kurt crying at the Olympics]
Triple H : Now, Kurt, all joking aside, this has gone on long enough, right? I'm tired of this, and it's gonna come to an end. I'm gonna put something very simple for you, Kurt, so that your little peabrain can understand it. This is Stephanie McMahon-*Helmsley*.
[Stephanie shows off her wedding ring]
Triple H : She is not your friend, she is not your pal, she is not your ally, she is not your buddy, she is not your chum, she is not your compadre. But what she is, besides being one of the hottest women on this planet, is she is my wife. Now, even you can understand that. But, Kurt, over the last few months, I've been wasting my time playing around with you, trying to beat something into your head that you don't seem to be understanding. Now, what I should have been doing, instead of screwing around with you, is I should have been going for that.
[pointing at The Rock's title belt]
Triple H : Because, Rock, you're carrying around something that belongs to me. You see, you never beat me for that, so the way I see it, you're just keeping that warm 'til I'm ready. I should have been having my run, I should have been continuing my run as World Wrestling Federation champ, but instead, week after week, I'm messing around with you.
[turning his attention back to Kurt]
Triple H : So it comes to an end tonight. Mick Foley, I'm not out here asking for a shot at being the champion, I'm out here asking let me show him once and for all that if he can't understand it on his own, let me beat it into his thick skull. Give me Kurt Angle.
Commissioner Mick Foley : Wait a second, wait a second, Triple H. I'm in a little bit of a bind here, because you want Kurt Angle, but Kurt Angle wants a shot at the WWF title. But I think I've got a solution; you see, tonight, right here in Washington, D.C... .
[the crowd cheers]
Commissioner Mick Foley : I'm going to give you a piece of Kurt Angle, and the winner will be the number-one contender for the WWF title.
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Chris Benoit : You know, I am sick and tired of having to come out here night after night after night asking for something that I deserve. One way or another, whether you like it or not, Mick, I'm gonna get my hands on The Rock. If you want it to be legal, if you want it to happen in the ring, well, that's up to you. Because I swear to you, unless you put me in the ring tonight with the People's Joke, not only will The Rock pay, you'll pay, the people will all pay, and I dare you to prove me wrong!
[Kane's pyro and music hit, and he comes out to the ring, as well]
Kane : Foley, no matter what Benoit wants, no matter what you want, no matter what the people want, that WWF title will find its way around my waist. Rock, you're mine! And then the time of raising your eyebrow, over! The time of dropping your elbow, over! Your time, Rock, over! You see, Rock, you have everything to lose, and I'm gonna be the one who finds it.
[Too Cool's music hits, and Rikishi comes out to the ring]
Rikishi : Kane, Kane, Kane, let me let you in on a little secret. You see, tonight, you're not gonna get a chance at The Rock's title. In case you didn't know, fool, me and you got some unfinished business to take care of. And Rikishi wants you to know that he backs that ass up here in Washington, D.C.!
Commissioner Mick Foley : [getting between them before a fight can start] Hold on, hold on, hold on. Everybody wants a little something different. Well, fortunately, I was bestowed upon me a certain amount of intelligence when I assumed the commissionary position, so I have a little something that I think will make everybody happy. You see, tonight in this very ring, Benoit, you and Kane will team up to face the team of Rikishi and The Rock!
[not entirely happy, Benoit, Kane, and Kurt all leave the ring]
The Rock : Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The Rock is not done. You see, Mick Foley, The Rock is in a very giving mood, as well. Now, Kane, since you just wanna find things, Benoit, all you wanna do is prove things, well, The Rock is gonna make both you very happy men tonight. You see, before you and Kane face The Rock and Rikishi, The Rock wants you to do this. The Rock wants you to go find a very quiet place tonight. You two together, nobody else, you two by yourselves, go find a nice, quiet place where you can be alone. And all your dreams can come true. All your dreams can come true. Your dream, Kane, of finding things, your dream, Benoit, of proving things will come true, and this is how you do it. Benoit, when you're by yourself with Kane, pull your pants down...
[the crowd cheers, and Benoit moves to get back in the ring]
The Rock : Go ahead, Benoit, pull your pants down and prove to Kane that you're not a woman.
[the crowd cheers]
The Rock : And, Kane, since you just wanna find things, you go ahead and find the penis Benoit claims he has.
[the crowd cheers again; as Kane and Benoit try to get in the ring, they are held at bay by the WWF officials]
The Rock : And after you two are through playing touchy-feely with Benoit's little inky-winky, after you two jabronis are done doing that, bring your candy asses to the ring so The Rock and Rikishi can whip that ass one more time all over D.C.!
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Commissioner Mick Foley : Billy Gunn, let me say, first off, welcome back to the WWF. But more importantly, Foley has single-handedly solved the case, so Stone Cold, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna let you two gentlemen be alone and I'm gonna let you handle and make the verdict Stone Cold-style. Thank you very much.
Mr. Ass : [Mick leaves the ring] Now, Stone Cold Steve Austin, I've been saying this for months, and I came here face to face, man to man. It's true the night that you got ran down, I could not be accounted for. And yes, it's true at the time I was a loyal member of DX. And yes, and when you put two and two together, I am suspect number one. But, Stone Cold Steve Austin, I dd not run you down. My flight was delayed in Detroit, and that might seem a little fishy, but hell, anyone can check on that. Hell, every cop that's on the case has checked on it. But I do have some information for you. When we drove into the Joe Louis Arena, a car came hauling ass by me, and when I looked back at the footage, it was the same car that ran you down. And for that split second, I saw the driver, and that's information that you want. You see, whoever the driver was, he or she had blonde hair. Now, I'm not just saying this to tell you what you want to hear. Hell, you can ask the Brooklyn Brawler. He's the one that picked me up at the airport. And I'm not telling you this just to save DX's ass; don't get me started on that. I'm telling you this, Stone Cold, because it's the truth.
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin : Hell, that story'd bring a tear to a glass eye, son. But I could sit here and look in your eyes, and I can listen to the sound of your voice, and I believe what you're saying is true. But the bottom line is I never really liked you much, anyway.
[he gives Billy a Stunner]
