South Park (TV Series)

Freemium Isn't Free (2014)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Phillip, Randy Marsh, Satan, Jimmy Valmer, Grandpa Marsh, Prince of Canada, Beelzeboot, Minister of Sports, Canadian Anchor, Canadian, Phone Voice, 'Drink Responsibly' Announcer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Minister of Mobile Gaming : And so in conclusion, the successful premium game is based on five principles: Entice the player with a simple game loop, use lots of flashing cashings and compliments to make the player feel good about themselves, train the players to spend your fake currency, offer the player a way to spend real currency for your fake currency...

  Prince of Canada : So they'll forget they're spending money.

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : ...and make the game about waiting. But let the player pay not to wait. It's a surefire way to make lots of money.

  Phillip : We understand micropaying, but can't the game hidden inside the charade it - just at least be fun?

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : No no! It has to be just barely fun. If the game were too fun, then there would be no reason to micropay in order to make it more fun.

• Terrance : We've been talking it over and we really aren't comfortable with this Freemium thing.

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : What is the matter?

  Phillip : It seems dishonest and we have a brand to protect.

  [Terrance farts on Phillip] 

  Prince of Canada : But just look at all the things we're getting to build! Soon, Canada will be as advanced and developed as Michigan!

• 'Drink Responsibly" Announcer : [Alcohol commercial]  Vodka. Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink it all, you f***ing pussy! More tuxedos! More car! More pussy! More vodka! Drink! Drink! Drink!... Please drink responsibly.

• Terrance : You son of a bitch! You paid pushers to get addicts hooked on our freemium game?

  Prince of Canada : You what?

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : Now, hold on, Terrance and Phillip. There's nothing wrong with promoting a mobile game.

  Phillip : But there's something very wrong with knowingly make it appeal to human weaknesses!

  Terrance : You didn't build a mobile game. You built an addiction machine!

  Prince of Canada : Minister of Mobile Gaming, what's this all aboot?

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : All right, all right. You've seen through the charade again. Let me explain how freemium games really work. The truth is a very small percentage of people who download freemium games ever pay anything for them. It's all aboot finding the heaviest users and extracting the most amount of cash from them. That's how you get addicts to pay 200 bucks for a game that's not even worth 40 cents.

  Terrance : But then all our profits come from people with problems.

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : Don't think aboot that. Think about all the money. Here, have a bump of coke.

  Phillip : [imbibes]  Okay, but we still won't stand for this!

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : [...]  Here is a fact -- 80% of alcohol sales are paid for by alcoholics. Using slot-machine tactics, freemiums games are able to make millions off of an even smaller percentage of mobile gamers.

  Phillip : Oh, God, he just doesn't stop!

  Terrance : Who is this guy?

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : We're building a new Canada with micro-payments from addicts. Who cares? You think the f*cking alcohol industry cares? They don't care that 10% are gonna get addicted. They're counting on it! It's the same with us. But we've got our eyes on every addict's screen. Every button they click, we get feedback on how to shove this shit right down their throats.

  Phillip : Why does he suddenly sound like Al Pacino in "Devil's Advocate"?

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : [menacingly]  Oh, I'm much worse than the devil.

• Stan Marsh : [kneeling at his bed in prayer]  I don't know if you're listening, but I guess I have something inside me that I can't control, something kind of dark. Please, help show me the way.

  Satan : [minaciously]  You have summoned the prince of temptation for what purpose?

  Stan Marsh : Oh, shit. Uh, I have addiction demons, and I don't understand them.

  Satan : Then allow me to explain the darkness of the human soul.

  Satan : [supportively]  So you've got dopamine, right? That's the chemical that gets released in your brain whenever you do something pleasurable like eating, sex. And that's just nature, right? Like, rabbits and fish and shit, they need dopamine so that they want to consume and reproduce.

  Stan Marsh : Okay.

  Satan : But because humans have progressed and now have access to all the shit they want whenever they want it, it's easy for them to overdo and have dopamine problems. You know, it's not fucking rocket science, this stuff.

  Stan Marsh : So there's nothing spiritually wrong with me?

  Satan : fuck no. It's like... okay, it's like being diabetic. You know, it's like you can eat wrong and eat wrong, and chemicals get released from your liver in a weird way. You know, you've been eating gluten and shit. And then eventually you've got a chemical imbalance from your liver. And something clicked and now you're diabetic forever, right? So, like, if you keep doing something too much, eventually there's, um, a dopamine fuck-up, right, and you're kind of screwed up for life.

  Stan Marsh : So, what does that mean? I can get addicted to everything so I can't enjoy anything?

  Satan : Yeah, that's pretty much what it means.

  Stan Marsh : The addict people said something about me filling a hole.

  Satan : Well, who's not filling a fucking hole, right? You know? I mean, what kind of bullshit is that? So, let's talk about genetics now. You still have time?

  Stan Marsh : Yeah, no, this is great.

  Satan : Okay, let me get some visual aids. Give me just a sec.

  Satan : [...]  So, basically, the genes you got from your dad make you more likely to have trouble with, um, dopamine regulation, and that's why you need to kind of watch out for addictive stuff. Okay, so we kind of understand now, champ?

  Stan Marsh : I guess so. But why do companies have to put so many addictive things out there?

  Satan : You know, they all do it, and it's kind of my deal. I've got to put temptation out there, too, so people have free will and all that shit. But, you know, everyone has their justification and thinks what they're doing is okay.