South Park (TV Series)

Freemium Isn't Free (2014)

Matt Stone: Kyle Broflovski, Butters Stotch, Terrance, Minister of Mobile Gaming, Kenny McCormick, Boy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Minister of Mobile Gaming : And so in conclusion, the successful premium game is based on five principles: Entice the player with a simple game loop, use lots of flashing cashings and compliments to make the player feel good about themselves, train the players to spend your fake currency, offer the player a way to spend real currency for your fake currency...

  Prince of Canada : So they'll forget they're spending money.

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : ...and make the game about waiting. But let the player pay not to wait. It's a surefire way to make lots of money.

  Phillip : We understand micropaying, but can't the game hidden inside the charade it - just at least be fun?

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : No no! It has to be just barely fun. If the game were too fun, then there would be no reason to micropay in order to make it more fun.

• Terrance : We've been talking it over and we really aren't comfortable with this Freemium thing.

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : What is the matter?

  Phillip : It seems dishonest and we have a brand to protect.

  [Terrance farts on Phillip] 

  Prince of Canada : But just look at all the things we're getting to build! Soon, Canada will be as advanced and developed as Michigan!

• Terrance : You son of a bitch! You paid pushers to get addicts hooked on our freemium game?

  Prince of Canada : You what?

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : Now, hold on, Terrance and Phillip. There's nothing wrong with promoting a mobile game.

  Phillip : But there's something very wrong with knowingly make it appeal to human weaknesses!

  Terrance : You didn't build a mobile game. You built an addiction machine!

  Prince of Canada : Minister of Mobile Gaming, what's this all aboot?

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : All right, all right. You've seen through the charade again. Let me explain how freemium games really work. The truth is a very small percentage of people who download freemium games ever pay anything for them. It's all aboot finding the heaviest users and extracting the most amount of cash from them. That's how you get addicts to pay 200 bucks for a game that's not even worth 40 cents.

  Terrance : But then all our profits come from people with problems.

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : Don't think aboot that. Think about all the money. Here, have a bump of coke.

  Phillip : [imbibes]  Okay, but we still won't stand for this!

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : [...]  Here is a fact -- 80% of alcohol sales are paid for by alcoholics. Using slot-machine tactics, freemiums games are able to make millions off of an even smaller percentage of mobile gamers.

  Phillip : Oh, God, he just doesn't stop!

  Terrance : Who is this guy?

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : We're building a new Canada with micro-payments from addicts. Who cares? You think the f*cking alcohol industry cares? They don't care that 10% are gonna get addicted. They're counting on it! It's the same with us. But we've got our eyes on every addict's screen. Every button they click, we get feedback on how to shove this shit right down their throats.

  Phillip : Why does he suddenly sound like Al Pacino in "Devil's Advocate"?

  Minister of Mobile Gaming : [menacingly]  Oh, I'm much worse than the devil.