Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (TV Series)

Kimmy Kisses a Boy! (2015)

Tituss Burgess: Titus Andromedon

Quotes 

• Titus Andromedon : Black, gay, *and* old? Oh! I'm not even gonna know which box to check on the hate crime form.

• Lillian Kaushtupper : What do you want, dear? I was "Rear Window"-ing, and it was just starting to get good. The old man on the third floor's stuck in the tub. He's starting to panic.

  Titus Andromedon : Lillian, I'm planning a seduction.

  Lillian Kaushtupper : A seduction. I remember those days. A cocktail at the bar. A conversation held only with the eyes. And then the two of you retire to the bathroom.

  Titus Andromedon : I called you because I need you to keep Kimmy and her girlfriend out of the apartment.

  Lillian Kaushtupper : Oh, sure.

  Titus Andromedon : I just need five minutes with that country boy. Or however long Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" is.

  Lillian Kaushtupper : Titus, cherish this time. Someday you'll wake up and you'll say, "Who's that old woman in the mirror?" And then she'll punch you, and you'll say, "That's not a mirror. That's an open window." What are we talking about again? Eh.

• Titus Andromedon : You asked me to help you keep an eye on Cyndee, correct?

  Kimmy Schmidt : Yeah, but now you don't need to. I underestimated her. She's got a job and a house and a guy who brings her the traditional meat and flowers of Indiana courtship.

  Titus Andromedon : Yeah, that boy's gay.

  Kimmy Schmidt : What?

  Titus Andromedon : Gay as a penguin.

  [Kimmy scoffs] 

  Titus Andromedon : Educate yourself! Read a nature video.

  Kimmy Schmidt : He's not gay. Gay hasn't even gotten to Indiana yet. There have been rumors in Ohio...

  Titus Andromedon : I know small-town gay, Kimmy. Brandon has a tan line where he usually wears a leather cuff. He's from Indiana, but he weighs less than two hundred pounds! And there's a stain on his jeans that could only be from revarnishing an Edwardian escritoire.

  Kimmy Schmidt : What?

  Titus Andromedon : It's gay for "desk."

• Kimmy Schmidt : Good morning, Black!

  Titus Andromedon : What?

  Kimmy Schmidt : A construction worker called me Red. I thought we could have nicknames.

  Titus Andromedon : Ooh! Look at you, getting hit on by a construction worker. Meanwhile, I got undercharged at the diner for my morning scrod. Crushing it!

• Kimmy Schmidt : Sometimes I feel guilty, like I abandoned Cyndee.

  Titus Andromedon : That's how I feel about my wife back in Mississ- interesting, Kimmy, go on.

• [Kimmy has asked Titus not to ask Cyndee about what it was like in the bunker, but he is unable to resist] 

  Titus Andromedon : Where did you go to the bathroom? Did anybody try to eat anybody? Was there ever a moment where you were like "The real prison is in my mind"?

  [Kimmy clears her throat] 

  Titus Andromedon : I am as God made me.

• Brandon : Titus! When are us guys gonna talk about cars?

  Kimmy Schmidt : Huh. Titus. Brandon is into cars.

  Titus Andromedon : Kimberly, a word.

  [Titus takes Kimmy into the next room and closes the door] 

  Titus Andromedon : That was smoke and mirrors, Kimmy, two things gay men love. And I'd call him out on it if I knew anything about cors. Did I say that right? Curs. Coors.

• Titus Andromedon : Am I not a pretty young thing anymore? Am I a bear now? Or, or a daddy? Or a Huxtable?

• Brandon : Dude, I think it's great the strides you gays have made.

  Titus Andromedon : You cut it out. I know that straight act is just a - what's that Stanley Donen movie with, uh, Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn?

  Brandon : Uh, "Charade"?

  Titus Andromedon : Aha!

• Mikey Politano : 'Scuse me, pal? Sorry to bother you, but - well, the last couple of days I've been asking myself some tough questions about how I treat women.

  Titus Andromedon : Interest level exceeded.

• Titus Andromedon : Are you asking me out, you tasty little Bob the Builder?

  Mikey Politano : Yeah. I am.

  [Titus takes off his "Cosby sweater," revealing a T-shirt that says "Baby Slut," and throws the sweater into a trash bin] 

  Titus Andromedon : You can't handle this yet.

  [walks away] 

  Titus Andromedon : Still got it!

  [turns back] 

  Titus Andromedon : Call me in ten years.

  Mikey Politano : [pointing to his construction project]  This is actually supposed to take that long, so...