Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (TV Series)

Kimmy Kisses a Boy! (2015)

Ellie Kemper: Kimmy Schmidt

Quotes 

• Kimmy Schmidt : [to Charles]  I thought it was weird when you said, "Troll the respawn, Jeremy," but I figured that was just a new way of saying goodbye. I've been saying it all day.

  [flashback to Kimmy leaving her apartment and passing Lillian on the stoop] 

  Kimmy Schmidt : Troll the respawn, Jeremy.

  Lillian Kaushtupper : [laughs]  First time on bath salts, dear?

• Titus Andromedon : You asked me to help you keep an eye on Cyndee, correct?

  Kimmy Schmidt : Yeah, but now you don't need to. I underestimated her. She's got a job and a house and a guy who brings her the traditional meat and flowers of Indiana courtship.

  Titus Andromedon : Yeah, that boy's gay.

  Kimmy Schmidt : What?

  Titus Andromedon : Gay as a penguin.

  [Kimmy scoffs] 

  Titus Andromedon : Educate yourself! Read a nature video.

  Kimmy Schmidt : He's not gay. Gay hasn't even gotten to Indiana yet. There have been rumors in Ohio...

  Titus Andromedon : I know small-town gay, Kimmy. Brandon has a tan line where he usually wears a leather cuff. He's from Indiana, but he weighs less than two hundred pounds! And there's a stain on his jeans that could only be from revarnishing an Edwardian escritoire.

  Kimmy Schmidt : What?

  Titus Andromedon : It's gay for "desk."

• Cyndee Pokorny : My fiancé and I have decided to return to Durnsville, the city that never sleeps.

  Kimmy Schmidt : Is that siren still going off?

• Kimmy Schmidt : What the H-E-double - No. You know what? What the hell, Brandon?

  Cyndee Pokorny : Kimmy! Don't use that kind of language in front of a unicorn!

• Charles : Kimmy, I thought that this was just fun...

  Kimmy Schmidt : Me too. I was trying to have fun, and then I made everything weird. 'Cause I'm weird. And now you're looking at me like I'm Jesus' crazy stepbrother Terry.

  [pause] 

  Kimmy Schmidt : That's not in the Bible, is it?

  Charles : No. It'd probably be for the best...

  Kimmy Schmidt : Yep. Got it. Troll the respawn, Jeremy.

  Charles : Troll the respawn, Jeremy.

• Cyndee Pokorny : Don't I deserve to be happy? I'm a Mole Woman.

  Kimmy Schmidt : No. That is not going to work with me. I'm a Mole Woman too, but I'm trying to move past it.

  Cyndee Pokorny : Are you? 'Cause I'm actually doing what I said I was gonna do back in the bunker. You were gonna see the world and get an education and a great job! But you're a 29-year-old babysitter who lives in a basement!

  Kimmy Schmidt : Well, at least I have a boyfriend who isn't fake, Cyndee.

  Cyndee Pokorny : He's my fake fiancé, Kimmy. And we're gonna live a beautiful fake life together!

• Kimmy Schmidt : Good morning, Black!

  Titus Andromedon : What?

  Kimmy Schmidt : A construction worker called me Red. I thought we could have nicknames.

  Titus Andromedon : Ooh! Look at you, getting hit on by a construction worker. Meanwhile, I got undercharged at the diner for my morning scrod. Crushing it!

• Kimmy Schmidt : Sometimes I feel guilty, like I abandoned Cyndee.

  Titus Andromedon : That's how I feel about my wife back in Mississ- interesting, Kimmy, go on.

• Brandon : I'm Brandon.

  [hugs Kimmy] 

  Kimmy Schmidt : Oh!

  Brandon : So good to meet you. And I've got more luggage to get. This one does not pack light.

  Cyndee Pokorny : I don't know why I brought so much pancake mix!

• Brandon : Titus! When are us guys gonna talk about cars?

  Kimmy Schmidt : Huh. Titus. Brandon is into cars.

  Titus Andromedon : Kimberly, a word.

  [Titus takes Kimmy into the next room and closes the door] 

  Titus Andromedon : That was smoke and mirrors, Kimmy, two things gay men love. And I'd call him out on it if I knew anything about cors. Did I say that right? Curs. Coors.

• Kimmy Schmidt : [trying to trick Brandon into revealing his sexual orientation]  I think I'm going to have the chef salad. Who do *you* like to have sex with?

  Brandon : Ah, I like hairless guys with a little bit of...

  Kimmy Schmidt : You *are* an escritoire!

  Brandon : I'm a desk? I - I - I mean, I - I don't know what that means.

• [Kimmy and Charles are making out] 

  Kimmy Schmidt : You're not gay, right?

  Charles : Straight guys can be vegetarians. Hitler was a vegetarian.

• Kimmy Schmidt : Listen to me: Don't listen to me. You get to live your life the way you want. That's the whole point of not being in a bunker. No one gets to tell you what to do. And I think part of me is jealous of you, 'cause you really do have everything you want. You just took a shortcut to get there, and I can't do it that way.

  Cyndee Pokorny : You're gonna take the road less traveled!

  Kimmy Schmidt : I guess so, Cyndee.

  Cyndee Pokorny : Even though that's exactly how you got kidnapped!