- Sheldon Cooper: I'm exceedingly smart. I graduated college at fourteen. While my brother was getting an STD, I was getting a Ph.D. Penicillin can't take this away.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Getting a joint pet is a big step in our relationship.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's true. It means we love each other so much we have enough left over for an eight ounce reptile.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Let's pick a turtle. How about that one, on the log?
- Sheldon Cooper: I don't know. He looks like a jerk. How about this one?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: That one? He's hardly moving, he looks half dead.
- Sheldon Cooper: I know. I like him too.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why a turtle?
- Sheldon Cooper: After much deliberation, we've determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don't shed fur. They don't make noise.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobble stone.
- Sheldon Cooper: And, if he ever goes beserk, I know I can out run him. Coincidentally that's also why I chose you as a roommate.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: What's wrong?
- Howard Wolowitz: Koothrappali was snooping in Emily's apartment and broke one of her drawers.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Aw. I'm gonna miss her.
- Howard Wolowitz: [Inspecting the broken drawer through Raj's phone] I think you broke the dowels. You're not going to have time to glue it back on, you'll have to nail it.
- Raj Koothrappali: With what?
- Howard Wolowitz: Does she have any pillows or wine glasses?
- Raj Koothrappali: [Excited] She does!
- Howard Wolowitz: Great! Neither of those, TRY A HAMMER!
- Sheldon Cooper: During the seven month trip to Mars, I can keep up morale with my wacky sense of humor. Leonard, could you check to see if there is still peanut brittle in that can?
- Leonard Hofstadter: You mean this suspicious looking can over here?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Open it and check.
- [Leonard opens can]
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't get it. There actually is peanut brittle in here.
- [Sheldon throws a pie in Leonard's face]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Please go to Mars.
- Sheldon Cooper: I can't believe you almost let me bring a wild animal into my house.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: No one told you to stick your finger in the turtle's face.
- Sheldon Cooper: I was playing got your nose. That's how you get kids to like you.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Let's say it together.
- Amy Farrah Fowler, Sheldon Cooper: We're getting a turtle!
- Penny: See, this is why I've been saying we should keep champagne on ice.
- Sheldon Cooper: Sarcasm?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes.
- Sheldon Cooper: That was tricky because when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business.
- Emily Sweeney: Don't worry. She's in Palm Springs.
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh good.
- Emily Sweeney: Well, her torso is.
- Howard Wolowitz: How are the taxes going?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, but you got a lot of receipts for the Lego store in here.
- Howard Wolowitz: Those are business expenses. You can write those off.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: A $200 R2-D2 was a business expense?
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh Bernie, you're gonna have to sound a lot more confident when we get audited.
- Sheldon Cooper: I know that life on Mars will be difficult. But life here on Earth is no picnic. Also, picnics are no picnic.
- Howard Wolowitz: [listening to Raj and Emily] We should hang up.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah, we should.
- Howard Wolowitz: But we're not going to, are we?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not a chance.