- Grandmother: Who is it?
- The Wolf: [Red's voice] It's your granddaughter Red.
- Grandmother: How do I know it's you?
- The Wolf: [still in Red's voice] Oh come on that's a perfect imitation. Open up, I brought Strawberry Short cake and Cool Whip.
- Grandmother: And What?
- The Wolf: [Wolf voice] Oh Sorry.
- [Red voice]
- The Wolf: I mean Cool - Hwhip.
- Grandmother: That's my little girl.
- Little Red Riding Hood's Mother: Remember, stay on the path and you'll be fine.
- Little Red Riding Hood: Oh, yes, great advice from mother of the year. You do realize Grandma lives 68 miles away, right? You-you're sending your child out there to die.
- The Wolf: Come in.
- [Little Red Riding Hood comes into the house]
- Little Red Riding Hood: Who the hell are you?
- The Wolf: Why, your grandma, of course.
- Little Red Riding Hood: All right, fine. I guess we're doing this. My, what big eyes you have, Grandma.
- The Wolf: All the better to see you with, my dear.
- Little Red Riding Hood: My, what big... you know what? I-I'm sorry, I-I can't. I-I can't do this. I-I'm not an idiot. My grandma is a human woman. How... how was this ever a scene?
- Little Red Riding Hood: [singing] Tra-la-la-la-la. Skipping song. Skipping song. No one's here to call me gay.
- Tree: If you were my son, I would kill you.
- Little Red Riding Hood: Really? Because I hear your son is a sap. If you're gonna hit the king, you better kill the king.
- Glenn Quagmire: [indicating Jack's beanstalk] What's this thing? It's blocking my view of Miss Muffet's tuffet.
- Little Red Riding Hood: You know, if I had the guts, I would be "Little White Turtleneck." And by "guts," I mean "body."
- Little Red Riding Hood's Mother: Red, don't forget this basket of food for Grandma.
- Little Red Riding Hood: This whole thing is way too heavy. Wh-why are you putting a bag of ice in here? Is this... is this a Coors Party Ball? Is Grandma going to be entertaining Florida jet ski people?
- Little Red Riding Hood: [to the Big Bad Wolf] So what happened with you and those three little pigs? Why did you want to eat them so badly?
- The Wolf: It's so amazing that that's what people think happened! First of all, I didn't want to eat them. I wanted to talk to one of them!
- Little Red Riding Hood: About what?
- The Wolf: Well, she was my ex-girlfriend and I believed I was due an explanation about why she was such a fucking whore.
- Little Red Riding Hood: All right, well, I'm off to my grandmother's, but before I go, I better take a deep-woods dump. Her bathroom is right off the dining room, so, it's either now or three days from now.
- Lois as Jack's wife: What the hell we supposed to do with these anyway?
- Peter as Jack: Yeah, I knew you'd be mad, so I've asked the band Heart to explain these beans in a way you can dreamily digest.
- Heart: [sing] These beans go on when I close my eyes. Every second of the night I live another life. These beans that sleep when it's cold outside...
- Peter as Jack: They changed the word 'dreams' to 'beans'. I was hoping they'd change a few more words to pertain to our situation, but uh... I'm just happy they did this.
- Lois as Jack's wife: Jack, this is ridiculous, tomorrow I want you to go back out there and look for a job that pays actual money. These things are worthless!
- Peter as Jack: I know she's gone, but can you do the other one?
- Heart: [sing] What about beans? Don't you want someone to care about you?