Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer! (2013)

Ashton Kutcher: Walden Schmidt

Photos 

Quotes 

• Walden Schmidt : 'Twas the night before Christmas when all down the beach not a creature was stirring, not even a leech. Alan was nestled, all snug in his bed, while visions of lesbians danced in his head. Brooke and Jenny were sleeping, a long winter's nap, surrounded by bottles with nary a cap. Jenny was nervous and frightened, but took a big chance. She let Brooke in her heart, as well as her pants. While Berta in her vest and I in my hattie had just baked our brains out with a big Christmas fatty. We started to doze, we hadn't a care. Happy Christmas to all. My balls have no hair.

• Walden Schmidt : [Brooke is waxing Walden's genitals while wearing a white latex glove, she rips off the wax cloth and Walden screams]  Okay, oh God, how about a little head's up next time?

  Brooke : [she is applying other wax]  Okay, head's up.

  [she rips it off and Walden screams] 

  Brooke : Okay, so why are you here?

  Walden Schmidt : Well, um, my-my-my friend, Jenny thinks that really cool and this is kinda awkward, not really sure how to say this,

  [Broke is applying another wax strip and she rips it off and Walden screams] 

  Walden Schmidt : take her out again!

  Brooke : Yeah, I don't know I mean I like to keep it casual lesbians get too attached and somebody always ends up screaming or crying.

  [she rips off another wax strip, Walden starts crying] 

  Walden Schmidt : I get that, oh, uh but here's the thing, Jenny's really awesome and I think if you took a chance to get to know her that you would really like her.

  Brooke : Yeah, I don't know, turn over.

  Walden Schmidt : What?

  Brooke : All fours, butt up.

  Walden Schmidt : This reminds me of a horrible horrible prison nightmare, I once had.

  [she starts applying the wax to his buttocks] 

  Brooke : You know I got to say if you are willing to go through all this for your friend, she must be all right huh? I'll give her a call. Okay, this one's gonna hurt.

  Walden Schmidt : This one?

  [she rips off the wax strip, he screams] 

  Walden Schmidt : Mommy!

• Walden Schmidt : Looks like someone's celebrating the 12 steps of Christmas.