- Professor Ian Duncan: Have you met the women that do like me, Jeff? Neither have I, but trust me, they're bad people.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Well, I think you should go home, because you're having an existential crisis, and the best lesson you could take away from it is that you are someone, even when you're by yourself.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Jeff, we've known each other a long time, right? You've come to respect me.
- Jeff Winger: Sure.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Well, get ready to stop.
- Ben Chang: Do you guys believe in ghosts? And if you do, do you believe what those ghosts tell you about other ghosts?
- Annie Edison: Chang, you cannot be on the committee if you're going to be actively insane.
- Britta Perry: I'm not a hero. I'm a high school dropout and a bartender, so don't listen to me. Or anyone. Just listen to yourself, and make sure you tell yourself the truth.
- Abed Nadir: You're not the Marco Polo of bullying me. You're just another tourist taking pictures of a great big wall.
- Professor Buzz Hickey: And what were you before this? Were you normal? Or do you act like this because somebody stuffed you in a locker? Is that the idea?
- Abed Nadir: Other way around.
- Shirley Bennett: [about the theatrical play they just watced] Did you get it? I don't think I got it.
- Annie Edison: Well, the ants were people. The queen ant was an oil company.
- Shirley Bennett: Okay, so it was about our marginalized perceptions as drones being born into a corporate hive-mind?
- Annie Edison: Yeah.
- Shirley Bennett: Hmmm.
- Annie Edison: Wow... McDonald's?
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, I was just thinking about that.
- Professor Ian Duncan: I don't like this "My-kale" guy.
- Jeff Winger: I don't think he likes himself, or he'd pronounce it "Michael."
- Professor Ian Duncan: Oh, here we go. "Love isn't a game" say the guys that always win. And now, you're gonna go pull a Dane Cook in one of those three movies he was in about Dane Cook getting paid by accident. Only it's not a Dane Cook movie, Jeff. Because this time, someone's watching. Me, your friend. British Jason Biggs.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Isn't she great? She's everything I love about America. Bold, opinionated, just past her peak. And starting to realize she that she has to settle for less. And the moment she needs a shoulder to cry on, BAM!
- [Pulls out handkerchief]
- Professor Ian Duncan: Huh? The Duncan handkerchief.
- Abed Nadir: If you were a post-apocalyptic survivor...
- Professor Buzz Hickey: I would raise goats, hoard cinnamon, and travel only at night.
- Abed Nadir: Annie banned glue guns from the apartment after an incident so hilarious that even describing it would narratively eclipse what's happening here.
- Abed Nadir: I'm gonna crash the premiere of the Kickpuncher reboot dressed like classic Kickpuncher. They shouldn't have redesigned that costume. Keep your heads in the sand if you want.
- Professor Buzz Hickey: For five years, I have watched people walk around on your eggshells. "Oh, Abed. He's so imaginative, so magical." "Everybody hide their hamburgers! "If Abed sees a hamburger, we'll all travel in time".