- Deputy Billy Calhoun: Sheriff! What are we gonna do?
- Sheriff Bob Fuller: We're gonna get a time machine, Billy. And I'm gonna go back in time to when my cousin was dating your mother. And then I'm gonna yank his pecker off, right before he has the chance to create an idiot.
- Larry Michael Roth: Hey, nice ride. What is it, a '71? That's the year I found our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and the honorable Jack Daniels. Jack's still with me.
- Vicente Santos: [on the beach] It's a miracle that I'm still alive. Four gunshot wounds. Thirty-two million dollars. I'm not a mathematician, but that's $8 million per gunshot.