- Leo Dooley: [providing voiceover commentary] Adam is six-foot-two, a rare combination of incredible strength and not much else.
- Caitlin: When I worked at the Pretzel Hut, we had this big three-for-one sale.
- Chase Davenport: Mm.
- Caitlin: It was a madhouse, and the customers wouldn't leave me alone. They all wanted the last cinnamon pretzel, so I did what any sane person would do: I ate it, then I sprayed everyone with hot butter and ran.
- Chase Davenport: Someone must have packed my phone with the others. We have to find it!
- Adam Davenport: Whoa. "We?" I just came to watch you freak out.
- Trent: [as the new school principal] All right, I got some good news and I got some bad news. The bad news is I'm instituting a school uniform policy. The good news is only Dooley has to wear it. COME ON OUT, SWEET PRINCE!
- Principal Perry: [sudden realization] None of this junk will make me happy. What really matters in life is... treating people poorly for my own amusement - and nothing makes me feel more complete than doing it to you twerps. Mmm.
- Bree Davenport: What a wonderful life lesson.
- Principal Perry: Yeah. Guess I'm not gonna retire after all. It's back to my original plan of working till I drop and then getting stuffed and mounted over the gym door.
- Leo Dooley: You know what's weird? I kinda wanna see that.
- Principal Perry: If cooking your dinner in the same vat of water you bathe in is inappropriate, then I don't wanna be "appropriate!"
- Chase Davenport: Mr. Davenport, what are you doing here? We're not allowed visitors at work.
- Donald Davenport: I'm not a visitor. I'm a celebrity... and this celebrity needs a favor. Tomorrow is my anniversary, and all Tasha wants is that stupid ePhone - even though I could make something better outta junk from the trash. So, if I get her one early, it will make her feel special - so just go grab me a phone so I don't have to stay in line all night with these losers.
- Chase Davenport: No way. I could lose my job. You have to go wait in that line.
- Donald Davenport: [laughs, then...] Seriously?
- Chase Davenport: [authoritatively] Now!
- Principal Perry: If I cared about shaping our youth, I'd still be teaching swim lessons down at the swamp. Hey, a kid sees a gator comin', he'll swim!
- Adam Davenport: Oo-oo-oo-oo, hot tub's empty. Y'better take your phone out of your pants. I'm gonna throw you in.
- Chase Davenport: My phone! It's gone!
- Adam Davenport: Perfect. Let's do this.
- [grabs Chase]
- Leo Dooley: [providing voiceover commentary] A native of mission creek, Chase's hobbies include being a tattle tale and creeping out girls.