Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The Odd Life of Timothy Green (2013)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Schoolboy, Jim Green

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [as Timothy]  Nobody touches the leaves, bitch!

  [Timothy kicks Joni in the face with a POW! sound effect added] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You saw it right, folks. Sweet, innocent Timmy kicked the girl he has a crush on right dab in the schnauzer. Geesh, kid, when they said fight your own battles, they didn't mean underwater flash kicks.

• Nostalgia Critic : But Timmy's parents don't like this at all. Because... I have no fucking idea.

• Commercial Announcer : Chia Child. The child that grows when your parenting blows. Available in Daughter Lily and Son Flower.

• Nostalgia Critic : Sure, everybody messes up! It's gonna happen, but it happens so you can get better and make the right choices. These two never got better at what they did! If anything, they just got worse and worse! Why? Because they never learned that you're supposed to... LEARN!

• Nostalgia Critic : So they put their drawings of butt-vaginas in a box and bury it in the back yard, convinced that they could now move on with their lives.

• Nostalgia Critic : This is the story about a couple who can't have a child, until one magically appears in the backyard and shows them the quirks and whimsy of what it means to be a parent. Now, granted, a lot of people didn't like this film when it first came out. In fact, many declared they'd rather pass a marble bag of kidney stones. But I'm sure such an innocent story couldn't have anything that horrible in it. How bad could something like this possibly be? Something so adorable, and lovable, and cute, and absolutely charming...

  [one viewing later, the Critic has blood on his hands] 

  Nostalgia Critic : My apologies to the neighbor's cat. It's just that after seeing a film that was so... cat-killingly bad, I had no choice but to destroy the nearest living creature. I mean... wow. Wow! God Jesus wow! Heaven above Lord shit fuck wow! This film is HORRENDOUS! I mean, it's GOD-AWFUL! I could rip into this shit storm so much that... that's exactly what I'm gonna do! This is The Odd Terribly Disturbed Life... of Timothy Green. I'm sorry, Waffles.

• [in the movie, Jennifer Garner and Joel Edgerton have said that they would make better mistakes to become better parents] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So... your argument is, you fucked up, you're glad you fucked up, and you will continue to fuck up in new and spectacular ways?

  [smiles and looks around nervously, then suddenly explodes:] 

  Nostalgia Critic : NO!

  [brings down a screen with a rainbow spiral and the word "NO!" in big red letters on it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : NOOOOOO!

  [removes screen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : YOU MAKE MISTAKES SO YOU CAN LEARN FROM THEM! NOT SO YOU CAN MAKE MORE MISTAKES! ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH?

• Nostalgia Critic : Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have to. Well, seeing as how this is February, the month of romance based around a Saint that your uniquely lazy ass will never bother to research, I think we should dedicate this enchanted time of year to "The Month of Love".

  [a harp glissando plays while an image of his smiling face is shown in a heart with the words "Nostalgia Critic's Month of Love" below] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And what better way to start off this month of love than the love one gives to a child?

  [shows an image of a boy and a girl on a log, with the title "NAMbLA, voice of the north american man/boy love association"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No, no, and your Jacuzzi with barbed wire in Hell is waiting for you. No, I'm talking about the love from parent to child as demonstrated in "The Odd Life of Timothy Green".

• Schoolboy : Here's my test, Mrs. Travers!

  Mrs. Travers : Um, you failed to answer every single question listed.

  Schoolboy : I know. I just had so much information I could put down for all of them, I decided not to.

  Mrs. Travers : I'm sorry. That means you get an F.

  Schoolboy : As in fantastic?

  Mrs. Travers : No, as in fail.

  Schoolboy : As in fail not to be fantastic?

  Mrs. Travers : No, as in you failed the test.

  Schoolboy : As in I failed the test of not failing the exam that you so currently gave to me?

  Mrs. Travers : Why are you still here?

  Schoolboy : [sadly]  I need a mommy.

• Nostalgia Critic : They really want you to remember that Stanleyville is the Pencil Capital of the World. They show countless footage of pencils being made, they have a soccer team called the Erasers, Edgerton works for a pencil factory, Garner is a tour guide in a museum dedicated to pencils. By the time the movie is over, you wanna eat the goddamn things. But our couple doesn't seem to have much of an appetite, as they're still heartbroken about Garner being as unfruitful as their vegetable garden.

• Nostalgia Critic : [startled by Garner and Edgerton cheering their future child]  Okay, could you not show how "in tuned" you are in such a loud, scary way?

• Nostalgia Critic : So we get our first look at our Children of the Corn who has leaves on his ankles and apparently is thoroughly convinced that he has always belonged to this couple.

  [the couple take this child in] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So, of course, they have to fill out a report or go to the police, or put out a poster saying "Missing Child"...

  [the parents decide the child is for them] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Kidnapping works, too. I'm always shocked how many people don't consider that option. I mean, when you look past that whole "illegal" and "emotionally scarring" thing, it's actually pretty logical. You know, you CAN turn him in to the authorities, guys! It's not like "E.T."! They have walkie-talkies now instead of guns. Oh, wait, they changed it back in the DVD version, didn't they? RUN, TIMMY, RUN!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Jennifer Garner's character's sister in this movie]  Let's add her to the list of horrible pieces of human shit in this film.

  [he brings up a list labeled "Horrible Pieces of Human Shit" and adds "Sister Bitch" to it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Trust me, the list will grow.

  [sees Joel Edgerton's character's father] 

  Nostalgia Critic : In fact, there's one right now. Edgerton's father, who apparently spends most of his time away from his son, who has resented him ever since. But Timmy hopes he can win his grandfather over with a trailer shot.

  [the trailer shot in question is a 360 panoramic sweep of Timmy, with arms stretched out and eyes closed] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Ah, yes, he must be doing this because he's a plant, and therefore basking when the sun comes out. Except for the fact that the sun was CLEARLY out several other times before, but the cameraman wasn't ready for his 360 shot yet. His grandfather acts accordingly.

• Nostalgia Critic : You're probably starting to see what the main problem with this movie is. Not the fact that they're telling a story that nobody not kicked by a horse could believe or that they live in a town with more inbred jerks than a TLC show. Oh, don't get me wrong, those are GREAT things to hate. But the parenting in this movie is awful! I mean, really, really awful! They're trying to tell this story to show how much they've learned, but all we ever see is them constantly acknowledge that they always make the wrong choices! How is that gonna win them over?