Family Guy (TV Series)

Chris Cross (2013)

Seth Green: Chris Griffin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Meg Griffin : Well, how about I promise not to tell mom and dad about the money, if you do whatever I say.

  Chris Griffin : Meg, this is how a lot of porn starts.

• Chris Griffin : Ok Meg, I stood outside Planned Parenthood for 36 hours, and here are the pictures of every girl in your class who went in.

  Meg Griffin : All right, good. Now I want you to call them as if you're their dead baby.

• Chris Griffin : Mr. Herbert, it's 6:00. I'm-I'm not really tired yet.

  Mr. Herbert : Well, you had those three cups of Nyquil. You'll be down soon enough.

• Meg Griffin : Here's a list of stuff I need you to do for me. Shouldn't have taken that money, Chris.

  Chris Griffin : Oh, she's right. I'm a horrible person. I'm only one step above those people who really like dive bars and really need you to know it.

• Mr. Herbert : Chris, what did you do with my videotapes? I had a whole system.

  Chris Griffin : I was trying to find a good movie to watch. I've never even heard of most of these. "Jeffrey at the park"? "Mikey's scoliosis exam"? "Nephew summersault compilation"?

  Mr. Herbert : Well, even if you never heard of them, I assume you heard of the alphabet. You want to explain to me how "Sammy popsicle" comes before "Napping, various"?

  Chris Griffin : Jeez, I'm sorry. Well, can we watch "Lost Boys"? I've heard of that one.

  Mr. Herbert : [quickly taking it back]  Those... those are different lost boys.

• Meg Griffin : Okay, Chris, I want to wear contacts, but I'm too squeamish to put them in myself, so you need to help me.

  Chris Griffin : Really? Is it that hard?

  Meg Griffin : My eyes are too sensitive. It's like they overreact or something.

  Chris Griffin : Okay.

  [as she takes her glasses off and he prepares to insert a lens, her eye rolls up into the back of her head] 

  Chris Griffin : Ah! What happened to your eye?

  Meg Griffin : Don't worry about it. Just put the lens in.

  Chris Griffin : But where do I put it? The pupil's gone. Your eye just looks like a ping-pong ball.

  Meg Griffin : I think it rolled up into my head. Look, just... just do the other one.

  [as he tries, the same thing happens] 

  Chris Griffin : Ahhh! You look like one of those blind jazz guys.

  Meg Griffin : Where are you? I can't see anything.

  Chris Griffin : [screaming, she runs around, knocking things over]  I don't like this. Just wear your stupid glasses.

• Chris Griffin : Mr. Herbert, what's life really all about?

  Mr. Herbert : Well, I suppose it's about trying new things; sampling the sweet and the savory; not being afraid to take everything life wants to throw up on into ya.

  Chris Griffin : Wow. I never looked at it like that before. Thanks, Mr. Herbert.

  [he turns the light above his head off; turning it back on, Herbert's bed is pushed closer to his] 

  Chris Griffin : But don't you think it's scary to try new things?

  Mr. Herbert : No, Chris. Life is like a new baseball glove. At first, you think you're never gonna get a ball in there. But then you oil it up, work your fingers around in there a little, and pretty soon, you're pitching and catching.

  Chris Griffin : I guess that makes sense.

  [turning the light off again, he accidentally farts] 

  Chris Griffin : Sorry.

  Mr. Herbert : [turning his light on, the bed is back in its original position]  You really know how to waste a Cialis, don't you?

• Meg Griffin : Well, well, well. Who do we have here?

  Chris Griffin : It's me, Chris. You know me. Why are you talking like a bad guy?

• Chris Griffin : Mom, Dad, I need to get new sneakers.

  Lois Griffin : What? I just bought you new sneakers.

  Chris Griffin : I know, but I need cooler ones.

  Peter Griffin : Shut up and stop complaining. When I was your age, I didn't even have sneakers. We wore stale hamburger buns.

  Lois Griffin : No, you didn't, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Shh, he doesn't know that. He's just a dumb, fat loser. Did you see his shoes?

  Lois Griffin : Look, Chris, I'm sorry, but money's tight right now.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, I even had to take a second job as a door-to-door vacuum salesman.

  [cut to him in a potential customer's house] 

  Peter Griffin : This thing can pick up anything. Here's a little demonstration. I'll pour a little wine, rub in some feces, and to top it off, some mustard mixed with feces. Tough stain, right? Oh, crap, I forgot the vacuum.

• Chris Griffin : I can't do this anymore.

  Meg Griffin : Well, you should have thought of that before you stole money out of Mom's purse. I own you. Now, here's my post office key. I need you to go downtown and get the stuff from my PO box.

  Chris Griffin : You... you don't get your mail here?

  Meg Griffin : No, I get a lot of private correspondence from the Netherlands.

  Chris Griffin : Like what?

  Meg Griffin : Like, I'm part of a group that kind of trashes Anne Frank's house every year.

  Chris Griffin : You know what? No. That's it. I'm not... I'm not doing any more of your crap, Meg.

  Meg Griffin : Chris, don't you see? You have no choice. I'll just go tell Mom and Dad about the money and they'll ground your ass for a year.

  Chris Griffin : I don't care, tell 'em. 'Cause I'm not even gonna be here. I'm gonna run away and no one'll ever see me again.

  Meg Griffin : Good, go. And who's even gonna miss you? You're just a little thief.

  [following him down the stairs] 

  Meg Griffin : Where you going, Chris? Wh... who are you gonna turn to? You don't even have any friends.

  Chris Griffin : [cut to him ringing the doorbell of another house]  Hi. I ran away from home. Do you mind if I live with you?

  Mr. Herbert : Live with me? My goodness, I feel like I want to pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming.

  [pinching his arm, a vein turns purple] 

  Mr. Herbert : Hot dog, it's real.

• Chris Griffin : Okay, Meg, I've cleaned your room and I did your homework. Can I be done now?

  Meg Griffin : Oh, no, there's a lot more things I need you to do for me.

  Chris Griffin : There are? Like what?

  Meg Griffin : Well, now you have to watch "An Officer and a Gentlemen" with me.

  Chris Griffin : And that's it?

  Meg Griffin : [snickering]  No. At the end, when Richard Gere carries Debra Winger out of the paper mill, you have to read what's on this index card.

  [cut to them watching the movie] 

  Chris Griffin : [reading the card as Meg cries]  "That's gonna be you someday, Meg."

  Meg Griffin : I know it will. I just know it will.

• Chris Griffin : [wanting new sneakers, he looks for money in Peter's wallet]  Oh, come on, Dad, there's no cash in here. Just a bunch of cards that say "I farted on your car" with his insurance info.

  Meg Griffin : [spotting him take money from Lois' purse]  Busted.

  Chris Griffin : Jeez, it's so weird that Mom and Dad would leave the house without their purse and wallet. I wonder where they are?

  Peter Griffin : [cut to them out on a date]  Could you excuse me?

  [going to a payphone, he calls Mike Damone from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"] 

  Mike Damone : Hello?

  Peter Griffin : Damone, it's Peter. I'm at my date and I left my wallet at home. Will you please borrow your mom's car, drive to my house, get my wallet, and bring it back here?

  [getting no answer] 

  Peter Griffin : Damone, are you there? Damone?

  Mike Damone : Yeesh, I'm really kind of busy.

  Peter Griffin : Come on, just do me this one favor.

  Mike Damone : All right, but you owe me for this one.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, thanks, Damone.

  [hanging up and breaking the fourth wall] 

  Peter Griffin : And that was the last we ever saw of him.