- Homer Simpson: I'm in an abusive relationship with life. It keeps beating the hell out of me, and I'm too much of a coward to leave.
- Homer Simpson: This is your miracle, a tree? Ooh, look at me. I can turn sunlight into complex sugars. Big whoop!
- Marge Simpson: Homer, don't you think you're putting all your eggs on one basket?
- Homer Simpson: What do you want me to do, put each egg on one basket?
- Marge Simpson: Hmm, I guess you're right. I better scratch that off my list of things to say.
- Ned Flanders: Homer, stop eating the miracle!
- Homer Simpson: Fine, I'll just go eat the body of God. That's not crazy.
- Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman vowing to debunk this so-called miracle. The idiotic things people believe in. Up next, stay tuned for your winning lottery numbers! It's your turn for sure!
- Kent Brockman: A hundred-dollar bill for whoever gives me the truth about the so-called miracle tree.
- Moe Szyslak: I'll take that. The tree is a fraud!
- [Sees bill]
- Moe Szyslak: I just got a hundred bucks! The tree is real!
- Dr. Hibbert: Homer, you'll make a full recovery. But I'm afraid your MyPad is gone.
- Homer Simpson: But it only had eighty percent of its charge left.
- Dr. Hibbert: This is the part of my job I hate most: talking to crazy people.
- Homer Simpson: I never win anything. It'll probably be some jerk no one ever heard of.
- Principal Skinner: And the winner is...
- Homer Simpson: Here it comes.
- Principal Skinner: ...Homer Simpson!
- Homer Simpson: Get him! I mean... Woo-hoo!
- Kent Brockman: [as a kid inside a locker room] Mr. Mouse how come you haven't been in any funny cartoons since 1933?
- Mr. Mouse: [takes off his head revealing to be a creepy looking man] I'm on a break kid. And when I'm on a break the mouse is dead.