Family Guy (TV Series)

Yug Ylimaf (2012)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin, Seamus, Carter Pewterschmidt, Dr. Hartman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stewie Griffin : Trust me you can do it. You're so talented in so many ways.

  Brian Griffin : [Tail wagging]  Like what?

  Stewie Griffin : Just, well, write down however you think you're talented and I'll sign it.

• Doctor Hartman : [Looking into Lois' open legs as she's ready to give birth]  I think I can hear the ocean. And smell it too.

• Brian Griffin : [Looking at Stewie's notebook]  Come on math, you dick.

• Lois Griffin : There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie.

  Stewie Griffin : What are you talking about?

  [she picks him up and puts him on the changing bed] 

  Stewie Griffin : What's going on?

  Brian Griffin : I think you're getting a diaper change.

  [in the reversed time, Lois takes the fresh one off, and the dirty one jumps into her hand from the trash bin] 

  Stewie Griffin : Ahh! Get that poop-filled thing away from me! NO! Oh, god, it's cold!

  Lois Griffin : [putting him back on the ground]  Whew! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change.

  Stewie Griffin : Damn right I do! Now get this turd-filled sack off... oh, my god, it just went back in my body.

• Lois Griffin : Wow, Brian, you've had quite a string of female guests spend the night lately.

  Stewie Griffin : Yeah, whatever you're doing, it's working. You should see the way I have to pick up chicks.

  [cut to a bar; he runs up to a group of women] 

  Stewie Griffin : Hi.

  [he runs away giggling] 

• Brian Griffin : [returning from a time-travel trip]  Well, I guess you can call me the Man of La Muncha.

  Girl #2 : Hey, why does your time machine have a sticker that says "Property of Stewie Griffin"?

  Brian Griffin : Uh, well, I-I...

  [sighing] 

  Brian Griffin : All right, to be completely honest, and because we've already had sex, it's not mine. I use it all the time, and the owner has no idea. In fact, he'd kill me if he knew.

  Girl #2 : Really? Won't he see that thing on the control panel that says "years traveled"?

  Brian Griffin : What thing?

  [she points it out, and he sees he's traveled across 10,918 years] 

  Ferris Bueller : [breaking the fourth wall]  Here's where Brian goes berserk.

  Girl #2 : [Brian yells like Cameron does in the movie]  Look, it's no big deal. Just reverse it and take off the miles. That's what I do when I take my dad's car out.

  Brian Griffin : Are you... are you 16?

  Girl #2 : I will be next September.

  Brian Griffin : Well, I think someone has a Barnes & Noble gift card coming for their silence.

• Peter Griffin : [Speaking to Stewie as he's brought home from the hospital]  Well it's up to you buddy. Save this marriage.

• Brian Griffin : Stewie, you can't just change the direction of time. H-How is this even possible?

  Stewie Griffin : Well, clearly, when you attempted to reverse the gauge on my time machine, you somehow released a quantum shockwave powerful enough to push the flow of time in the opposite direction. I can only surmise that you and I were isolated from its effects because we were inside the machine at the moment of temporal inversion. Are you... are you sleeping?

  Brian Griffin : [with his eyes closed, waking up]  Huh? No, no, I... no, I was listening.

  Stewie Griffin : What kind of jerk alters time and then falls asleep?

  Brian Griffin : Look, I'm sorry, Stewie, but do you think you can fix it?

  Stewie Griffin : Well, it's gonna take a while to rebuild the machine, and even longer to recalibrate it for normal time, but I've taken on bigger challenges before. I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal.

  [cut to him in front of a blank white background] 

  Stewie Griffin : Face.

• Brian Griffin : Hi, there.

  Cindy : Hi. I'm Cindy. The only way I believe I'm pretty is if strangers have sex with me.

  Brian Griffin : Well, maybe I could help fill you up with self-confidence. Brian.

  Man in Bar : [interrupting]  Hello, there, sexy.

  Brian Griffin : Do you mind? We were having a conversation.

  Man in Bar : My house has 8,000 square feet, zero bookshelves.

  Cindy : Wow, that's impressive.

  Brian Griffin : I'm a writer, published twice.

  Man in Bar : I own a cinder block yard. Have over 12,000 cinder blocks. If you ever need cinder block, I can get you good price.

  Cindy : Thank you.

  Brian Griffin : I-I have a six-CD changer, so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world.

  Man in Bar : Come have sex with me. My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done.

  Cindy : Okay.

  Brian Griffin : [they start to leave]  Wait!

  [thinking quickly] 

  Brian Griffin : I have a time machine.

  Cindy : You do?

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, you wanna see it?

  Cindy : Yes, I want to see it!

  Brian Griffin : [leading her out]  Better luck next time, pal. Some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever.

• Cindy : Why do you keep a sleeping baby in your time machine room?

  Brian Griffin : I-I don't know. My decorator's terrible.

  Cindy : [ending up at Ford's Theater in 1865]  Where are we?

  Brian Griffin : Ford's Theater, April 14, 1865.

  Cindy : Ooh, Valentine's Day. How romantic.

  Brian Griffin : Uh, yeah, sure, you know me.

• Stewie Griffin : [woken from sleep by his time machine fritzing]  Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine?

  Brian Griffin : I-I don't know, man. I-I saw Meg leaving a minute ago going "Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha", but I-I don't know.

  Stewie Griffin : [watching it continue to malfunction]  Oh, my god, it's having a complete meltdown!

  [running inside to try and fix it, they're thrown back out of it and knocked unconscious] 

  Brian Griffin : [waking up the next day]  What happened?

  Stewie Griffin : I don't know.

  [seeing the damaged machine] 

  Stewie Griffin : Dear God, my time machine!

  [running inside and coming out with a pair of women's underwear] 

  Stewie Griffin : You, uh... you want to tell me about this?

  Brian Griffin : See? I told you it was Meg.

  Stewie Griffin : I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track.

• Stewie Griffin : Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine.

  Brian Griffin : Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it, so I tried turning the chronological gauge backward.

  Stewie Griffin : It's not designed to go backward, Brian. The question is, how am I going to fix it?

  [looking out the window] 

  Stewie Griffin : What the hell?

  [seeing everybody outside moving in reverse] 

  Stewie Griffin : Dear God, everything's moving backward.

  Brian Griffin : What? What are you talking about?

  Stewie Griffin : I don't know what the hell you did with all your messing around, Brian, but somehow my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time.

  Brian Griffin : Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that even mean? I don't get it.

  [looking out the window, he sees Mort Goldman take a penny out of his pocket, put it on the ground, and walk away in reverse] 

  Brian Griffin : Okay, now I get it.

• Stewie Griffin : You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks!

  Brian Griffin : Oh, come on, they're not all bad.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, yes, I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer? She was a real prize.

  [cut to Brian and his date having dinner with Peter and Lois] 

  Lois Griffin : How are you enjoying your meal?

  Girl #3 : L-L-Lois, it's d-d-d-delicious.

  Peter Griffin : [standing and going to the thermostat]  Oh, for cryin' out loud.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, why are you turning up the heat again?

  Peter Griffin : Lois, this woman is obviously freezing.

• Brian Griffin : Hey, look, what's wrong with Peter?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, you smell that? He's passed-out drunk. Does no one in this house have any dignity?

  Peter Griffin : [as time reverses, he flies off the bed and starts getting dressed]  Hey, Lois, I'm home from the Clam, and I'm horny.

  [he backs down the stairs and into the car, then drives off, his drunk-driving damage repairing itself, including a boy on a bicycle he hit] 

  Stewie Griffin : Hmm. Seems like reverse time did that kid a favor.

  Brian Griffin : I'm not so sure about that.

  Mr. Herbert : ["chasing" the boy in reverse]  Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer!

• Lois Griffin : If your happy and you know it clap your hands

  Stewie Griffin : Fuck you

  Lois Griffin : If your happy and you know it clap your hands

  Stewie Griffin : Eat shit

  Lois Griffin : If you're happy and you know it in your face will surely show it if you're happy and you know it clap your hands

  Stewie Griffin : Dumb cunt