Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis (TV Series)

A Fairytale of New York (2012)

Tina Fey: Tina Fey

Quotes 

• Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Introducing the segment]  Tina Fey is the star and creator of NBC's hit sitcom 30 Rock, which is based on her experiences as head writer for Mad TV. Before meeting up with her, I made a stop at New York City's "Fern district", where I lucked out and got the last two ferns' in Manhattan. My preferred mode of transportation in New York City is the subway. I met up with Tina at her "swanky" hotel to take her for a romantic chariot ride.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Tina while on the chariot ride]  It's a very smooth ride I find. My cousin lives in Staten Island, he's a homosexual. People call him the "Stalen Island fairy"

  Tina Fey : [cut to the interview being held into a hotel room]  is someone going to tell us when to start?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [while chewing bubble gum loudly]  I don't know, I think their just letting us chill out, just keep your mouth shut.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to the camera]  Hello and welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Tina]  Welcome and thank you for coming. I'm a big fan of your "lady comedy."

  Tina Fey : Thank you Zach, I'm a huge fan of yours, I loved The Hang Over. I'm just kidding. I actually never saw The Hang Over, I'm like an "adult person." You'd fuck with a baby anyway.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Changing the topic]  So you recently had a little girl.

  Tina Fey : that's right, a second one.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Have people brought up the issue that your too old to be having a second child?

  Tina Fey : [Zach ignores her while a waiter enters with breakfast]  Well it's something I wrote a lot about in my book, the struggle to decide whether to have a second child at my age with my career the way it is.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Continuing to ignore her and looking at the bill]  What's four percent of thirty-seven dollars?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to the waiter]  What's four percent of thirty-seven dollars?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Tina]  How old is the baby?

  Tina Fey : She is eight months old.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Offering her a portion of the food on his plate]  want a bite?

  Tina Fey : No thank you, female comedians have to watch their weight.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : oh right.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : So tell me your process going from a lowly writer to sleeping your way to being on camera.

  Tina Fey : That's not nice and that's not true.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Well it can't be both, you have to pick, it's either not true or it's not nice.

  Tina Fey : Well, I pick it's not true

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Doubting her]  You have red hair. Do the "drapes" match the pubes?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [narrating]  you'll find out the answer when we return.

  Tina Fey : [returning from commercial]  first of all that's not the expression.

• Zach Galifianakis - Host : It's not?

  Tina Fey : [changing the topic]  Is your mother alive?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : I don't know, I texted her on her birthday. She never texted back.

  Tina Fey : [ignoring him]  anyway yes my pubic hair is very red.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : it is red?

  Tina Fey : [referring to hair on her head]  redder than this.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : you do an impression of Sarah Palin and I love Sarah Palin, oh excuse me I meant to say I like "parasailing", that's what I meant to say.

  Tina Fey : [Amused]  oh ok, that's a joke.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : No, it was just the sentence.

  Tina Fey : ok.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Some people say that women are funny and I know that a lot of funny bitches.

  Tina Fey : If you were a woman in comedy and came to me with the same body, the gag would be Kevin James would open the door to you and he would throw up. Those would be the kind of bits you would play.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : I worked with a woman director, do you know what she told me?

  Tina Fey : What?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : Your fat.

  Tina Fey : "Your fat", hare's five more million dollars, is that what it was?

  Tina Fey : You know what? There's a level of malice to your whole behavior and questioning style that it's kind of humorous, it's actually very cowardly. It's almost like your willfully obtuse in these questions to make some kind of vague point about the fatuous nature of celebrity interviews which is a pretty trod observation but yes we all agree that celebrity interviews are vagrant and empty but at the same time you "asked" me to come here, you asked" me to do this as a favor and I come here and your rude to me almost like you say to yourself "I'm too cool to be caring about a celebrity, at the same time increasing your own "celebrity"

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [Remains silent while nodding] 

  Tina Fey : Have you thought about that?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : That's pretty good, for a girl.