Sherlock (TV Series)
The Empty Hearse (2014)
Benedict Cumberbatch: Sherlock Holmes
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. John Watson : I'm definitely going to kill you.
Sherlock Holmes : Oh, please. Killing me, that's so two years ago.
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Mycroft Holmes : [loses game] Oh, bugger!
Sherlock Holmes : Oopsy. Can't handle a broken heart. How *very* telling.
Mycroft Holmes : Don't be smart.
Sherlock Holmes : That takes me back.
[mocking Mycroft]
Sherlock Holmes : "Don't be smart, Sherlock, I'm the smart one."
Mycroft Holmes : I *am* the smart one.
Sherlock Holmes : I used to think I was an idiot.
Mycroft Holmes : Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock. We had nothing else to go on, till we met other children.
Sherlock Holmes : Oh, yes, that was a mistake.
Mycroft Holmes : Ghastly. What were they thinking of?
Sherlock Holmes : Probably something about trying to make friends.
Mycroft Holmes : Oh, yes. *Friends*.
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Mary Morstan : Oh, no, you're...
Sherlock Holmes : Oh, yes.
Mary Morstan : Oh, my god.
Sherlock Holmes : Not quite.
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Dr. John Watson : [seeing a couple scooted from the room] Clients?
Sherlock Holmes : Just my parents.
Dr. John Watson : Your parents?
Sherlock Holmes : In town for a few days.
Dr. John Watson : *Your* parents?
Sherlock Holmes : Mycroft promised to take them to a matinee of Les Mis. Tried to talk me into doing it.
Dr. John Watson : Those were your parents?
Sherlock Holmes : Yes.
Dr. John Watson : Well. *That* is not what I...
Sherlock Holmes : What?
Dr. John Watson : I-I mean, they're... just... so... ordinary.
Sherlock Holmes : It's a cross I have to bear.
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Sherlock Holmes : I think... I'll surprise John. He'll be delighted.
Mycroft Holmes : You think so?
Sherlock Holmes : Hmm, pop into Baker Street, who knows, jump out of a cake.
Mycroft Holmes : Baker Street? He isn't there anymore.
[Sherlock turns to face Mycroft with a puzzled look]
Mycroft Holmes : Why would he be? It's been two years. He's got on with his life.
Sherlock Holmes : What life? I've been away.
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Sherlock Holmes : [voiced from the darkness as Lestade lights a cigarette] Those things will kill you.
DI Lestrade : [long pause with recognition] Oh, you bastard.
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Dr. John Watson : Mind palace!
Sherlock Holmes : Hmm?
Dr. John Watson : Use your mind palace!
Sherlock Holmes : How will that help?
Dr. John Watson : You've salted away every fact under the sun!
Sherlock Holmes : Oh, what, and you think I've just got "how to defuse a bomb" tucked away in there somewhere?
Dr. John Watson : *Yes*!
Sherlock Holmes : ...maybe.
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Mrs. Hudson : Oh, I'm really pleased, Mary. Have you set a date?
Mary Morstan : Uh, well, we thought May.
Mrs. Hudson : Ah, a spring wedding.
Mary Morstan : Yeah. Well, once we've actually got engaged.
Dr. John Watson : Yeah.
Mary Morstan : We were interrupted last time.
Dr. John Watson : Yeah.
DI Lestrade : Well, I can't wait.
Mary Morstan : You will be there, Sherlock?
Sherlock Holmes : Weddings - not really my thing.
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Dr. John Watson : I wanted you not to be dead!
Sherlock Holmes : Yeah, well, be careful what you wish for.
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Dr. John Watson : You'd have to be an idiot not to see it. You love it.
Sherlock Holmes : Love what?
Dr. John Watson : Being Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes : I don't even know what that's supposed to mean.
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Sherlock Holmes : Fancy some chips?
Molly Hooper : What?
Sherlock Holmes : I know a fantastic fish shop just off the Marylebone Road, the owner always gives me extra portions.
Molly Hooper : Did you get him off a murder charge?
Sherlock Holmes : No, I helped him put up some shelves.
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Dr. John Watson : One word, Sherlock, that is *all* I would have needed! One word to let me know that you were alive!
Sherlock Holmes : I've nearly been in contact so many times, but... I worried that, you know, you might say something indiscreet.
Dr. John Watson : What?
Sherlock Holmes : Oh, you know, let the cat out of the bag.
Dr. John Watson : Oh, so this is *my* fault?
Mary Morstan : [Mary starts laughing] Oh, God.
Dr. John Watson : Why am I the only one who thinks that this is wrong? The only one reacting like a human being.
Sherlock Holmes : Overreacting.
Dr. John Watson : [Yelling] Overreacting!
Mary Morstan : John!
Dr. John Watson : Overreacting! So you fake your own death and you waltz in here, large as bloody life, but I'm not supposed to have a problem with that, no, because Sherlock Holmes thinks it's a perfectly okay thing to do!
Sherlock Holmes : Shut up, John! I don't want everyone knowing I'm still alive!
Dr. John Watson : Oh, so it's still a secret, is it?
Sherlock Holmes : Yes, it's still a secret.
[looks around the crowded shop they are in]
Sherlock Holmes : Promise you won't tell anyone.
Dr. John Watson : Swear to God!
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Dr. John Watson : [with a time bomb ticking] So what do we do?
Sherlock Holmes : I've no idea.
Dr. John Watson : Well, think of something.
Sherlock Holmes : Why do you think I know what to do?
Dr. John Watson : Because you're Sherlock Holmes, you're as clever as it gets.
Sherlock Holmes : It doesn't mean I know how to diffuse a giant bomb. What about you?
Dr. John Watson : I wasn't in bomb disposal, I'm a bloody doctor.
Sherlock Holmes : And a soldier, as you keep reminding us all.
Dr. John Watson : Can't-Can't we... rip their timer off or something?
Sherlock Holmes : But that would set it off.
Dr. John Watson : You see? You know things!
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Dr. John Watson : [furious] Two years... Two years! Hmm... I thought. Mm... I thought... you were dead. Hmm?... Now, you let me grieve. Hmm?... How could you do that?... How?
Sherlock Holmes : Wait, before you do anything that you might regret, um, one question, just let me ask one question...
[laughing at John's moustache]
Sherlock Holmes : Are you really gonna keep that?
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Mycroft Holmes : If you seem slow to me, Sherlock, can you imagine what real people are like? I'm living in a world of goldfish.
Sherlock Holmes : Yes, but I've been away for two years.
Mycroft Holmes : So?
Sherlock Holmes : Oh, I don't know. I thought, perhaps, you might have found yourself a... goldfish.
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Mycroft Holmes : We have solid information, an attack is coming.
Sherlock Holmes : Solid information, a secret terrorist organization is planning an attack. That's what secret terrorist organizations do, isn't it? It's their version of golf.
Mycroft Holmes : An agent gave his life to tell us that.
Sherlock Holmes : Oh, well, perhaps he shouldn't have done. He was obviously just trying to show off.
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Mycroft Holmes : [analyzing a hat] This is a Chullo. The classic headgear of the Andes, it's made of Alpaca.
Sherlock Holmes : Nope.
Mycroft Holmes : No?
Sherlock Holmes : Icelandic sheep wool. Similar but very distinctive, if you know what you're looking for. I've written a blog on the varying tensile strengths of different natural fibers.
Mrs. Hudson : I'm sure there's a crying need for that.
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Mr. Harcourt : Well, absolutely no one should have been able to empty that bank account other than myself and Helen.
Sherlock Holmes : Why didn't you assume it was your wife?
Mr. Harcourt : Because I've always had total faith in her.
Sherlock Holmes : No, it's because you emptied it.
[points at him]
Sherlock Holmes : Weight loss, hair dye, Botox, affair.
[whips out a business card, he holds it out to Mrs Harcourt]
Sherlock Holmes : Lawyer. Next!
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Sherlock Holmes : And what about John Watson?
Mycroft Holmes : John?
Sherlock Holmes : Mm. Have you seen him?
Mycroft Holmes : [sarcastically] Oh, yes, we meet up every Friday for fish and chips.
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Sherlock Holmes : Moriarty slipped up, He made a mistake... Because the one person he thought didn't matter at all to me... was the one person who mattered the most. You made it all possible.
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Sherlock Holmes : Neat, don't you think?
Anderson : Hm...
Sherlock Holmes : What?
Anderson : Not the way I'd have done it.
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Sherlock Holmes : But you've missed his isolation.
Mycroft Holmes : I don't see it.
Sherlock Holmes : Plain as day.
Mycroft Holmes : Where?
Sherlock Holmes : There for all to see.
Mycroft Holmes : Tell me.
Sherlock Holmes : Plain as the nose...
Mycroft Holmes : Tell me!
Sherlock Holmes : Well, anybody who wears a hat as stupid as this isn't in the habit of hanging around other people, is he?
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Mrs. Hudson : Sherlock?
Sherlock Holmes : Mm?
Mrs. Hudson : Talk to John.
Sherlock Holmes : I tried talking to him. He made his position quite clear.
Dr. John Watson : [John is in his office examining a patient with an undescended testicle. He lifts a middle finger] Just relax, Mr Summerson.
Mrs. Hudson : What did he say?
Sherlock Holmes : F...
Dr. John Watson : [feeling his patient's testicles] Cough.
Mrs. Hudson : Oh, dear.
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Mycroft Holmes : I'm not lonely, Sherlock.
Sherlock Holmes : How would you know?
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Sherlock Holmes : Well, the short version... not dead.
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Dr. John Watson : Well, uh, surprise me.
Sherlock Holmes : I'm certainly endeavoring to, sir.
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Sherlock Holmes : I calculated that there were thirteen possibilities once I'd invited Moriarty onto the roof. I wanted to avoid dying, if at all possible. The first scenario involved hurling myself into a parked hospital van filled with washing bags. Impossible, the angle was too steep. Secondly, a system of Japanese wrestling...
Dr. John Watson : You know, for a genius, you can be remarkably thick.
Sherlock Holmes : What?
Dr. John Watson : I don't care *how* you faked it, Sherlock. I want to know *why*.
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Sherlock Holmes : [after being head-butted by John] I don't understand. I said I'm sorry, isn't that what you're supposed to do?
Mary Morstan : Gosh, you don't know anything about human nature, do you?
Sherlock Holmes : Hmm, nature? No. Human?
[pause]
Sherlock Holmes : No.
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Sherlock Holmes : London. It's like a great cesspool into which all kinds of criminals, agents and drifters are irresistibly drained. Sometimes it's not a question of who, it's a question of who knows. If this man cancels his papers, I need to know.
[pause]
Sherlock Holmes : If this woman leaves London without putting her dog into kennels, I need to know. Now, certain people, they are markers. If they start to move, I'll know something's up. Like rats deserting a sinking ship.
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Sherlock Holmes : No, I prefer my doctors clean-shaven.
Dr. John Watson : That's not a sentence you hear every day.
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Sherlock Holmes : I can't be seen wandering around with an old man.
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[as he is stealing a woman's makeup pen from her purse]
Sherlock Holmes : Madam, can I suggest you look at this menu? It's, uh, completely identical.
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Sherlock Holmes : I didn't know you spoke Serbian.
Mycroft Holmes : I didn't. But the language has a Slavic root. Frequent Turkish and German loan-words. Took me a couple of hours.
Sherlock Holmes : Hmm, you're slipping.
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[after examining a skeleton and finding a book titled How I Did It by Jack the Ripper]
Molly Hooper : That's impossible.
Sherlock Holmes : Welcome to my world.
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Molly Hooper : We met through friends, old-fashioned way. He's nice, we... He's got a dog, we... We go to the pub on weekends and, he, I've met his mum and dad and his friends and all his family. I've no idea why I'm telling you any of this.
Sherlock Holmes : I hope you'll be very happy, Molly Hooper. You deserve it.
[pause]
Sherlock Holmes : After all, not all the men you fall for can turn out to be sociopaths.
Molly Hooper : No?
Sherlock Holmes : No.
[kisses Molly on the check and walks away]
Molly Hooper : [to herself] Maybe it's just my type.
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Sherlock Holmes : Moran didn't disappear. The entire Tube compartment did. The driver must have diverted the train and then detached the last carriage.
Dr. John Watson : Detached it where? You said there was nothing between those stations.
Sherlock Holmes : Not on the maps, but once you eliminate all the other factors, the only thing remaining must be the truth. That carriage vanished, so it must be somewhere.
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[having stopped John from calling the police]
Sherlock Holmes : They'll get in the way, they always do. This is cleaner, more efficient.
[pulls out a pry-bar and opens a locked gate]
Dr. John Watson : And illegal.
Sherlock Holmes : A bit.