- Harry Vanderspeigle: After discovering the Greys' plan to change the Earth's atmosphere, I have devised a plan of my own. I am building a bomb that can destroy the Greys' spaceship. And then their stupid, beautiful hybrids will be stuck here and have to get jobs as personal trainers and sideline reporters.
- Heather: Let's not talk about the future. Let's just... let's just talk about the present because it's so special. You know, I think that's why they call it the present, 'cause it's a present.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: This must be what true love is like. When your lover leaves, you feel like you will never see them again. And the sound of her tires peeling out of my driveway, I can tell she is in a hurry to come back to me.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I have had some complaints regarding the Sheriff's Department.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: I told you it was a terrible idea to put up that suggestion box.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Yes, I got that from the note you put in the suggestion box telling me to take down the suggestion box.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Taxpayers shouldn't have a say in how their tax dollars are spent. That's anarchy.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Well, some people call it democracy.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I asked to see you in my office.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: No, you said you'd like to see me in your office. And I don't blame you. Hell, I'm a statue of masculinity. If I was in your office, you'd probably walk in every morning and say, "Damn, now, that's what I want to be."
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: If you were a statue in my office, I'd hang my jacket on you.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: I'd want you to, because I'd be made out of metal, and I'd be cold.
- Joseph Rainier: You love your niece?
- Heather: My knees? You're gonna break my knees?
- Joseph Rainier: Niece. Your niece, your sister's kid.
- Heather: Okay. Well, you could have just said my sister. I love her too.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Everything Okay, Deputy? You got your sad face on.
- Deputy Liv Baker: Really? I have a sad face?
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: I'll give you a tip. Here, put this pencil in your mouth. Sideways.
- [sticks his pencil in her mouth]
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: There you go. You feel your smile muscles stretching out? See, when you're sad, you fool your body into thinking you're happy, then you feel happy.
- Deputy Liv Baker: How long does it take?
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Uh, seven minutes. Of course, I'm a pro, so I did it in three using that very same pencil.
- [Liv spits pencil out]
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Now, you are the strongest person I know, except when you're around your Grandma Patty. You need to stand up to her.
- Deputy Liv Baker: I can't. She's mean and gives deceptively powerful noogies.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [answering the door in a white robe and blue feather boa] Why are you here?
- General Eleanor Wright: I came to see how you're doing. Were you getting dressed? Undressed? Or is this just how it is now?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Would you ask a woman that?
- D'Arcy Bloom: Hey, Steve, do you think painting the bathroom a combination of mauve and vomit makes bath time enjoyable?
- Asta Twelvetrees: Let's say you witness an abduction. How exactly are you gonna stop it?
- D'Arcy Bloom: Baseball bat. I've seen pictures of Greys on the internet. Their long necks, their heads are just right in my strike zone.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I think my heart is stopping.
- Heather: It's not. Hearts are the only thing in the universe that work even after they break. It's the thing that sucks about hearts.