- Lisa Simpson: Dad, how could you choose Ted Nugent for president? He's a right-wing rocker who likes everything I hate!
- Bart Simpson: Could there be anyone more awesomer?
- Ted Nugent: Who wants elk?
- [Throws a dead elk on the table; Lisa screams and runs away]
- Marge Simpson: My daughter is a vegetarian.
- Ted Nugent: That's okay. She can nibble on one of the antlers. Antlers ain't meat.
- Ned Flanders: I thought I smelt deadily-ead. What's this?
- Ted Nugent: Judging from that moustache, you must be a member of the People's Republic of Berkley.
- Ned Flanders: The only thing left-wing about me is my left hand.
- [Ted shoots an arrow on his forehead]
- Ned Flanders: That's okay, as long as you're not a Mormon.
- Homer Simpson: You can check my carry-on, but you can't check my spirit! And why is there moisture between the windows? And don't wake me up to land! Just LAND!
- Ted Nugent: I caught me a fat old badger.
- Martin Prince: But I'm a little boy.
- Ted Nugent: All I hear is chitter-chitter.
- Homer Simpson: Marge, I'm off to meet the Republican Party to select their new candidate. If there's sandwiches, do you want me to bring some?
- Homer Simpson: Hello, I'm Homer Simpson. I'm not just another blowhard. I say the things you think but are afraid to say. But not racist things!
- Bart Simpson: From now on, if someone asks, I'll say you are my father.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, son. Now I regret bad-mouthing you to that girl you like.
- Homer Simpson: My fellow Americans, I am full of crap.
- Lisa Simpson: I knew you were, dad. I always knew.