- Abed Nadir: Britta.
- Britta Perry: [gasps] Is this about regionals?
- Abed Nadir: I just talked to Cory, and he needs you to be the mouse king instead of me.
- Britta Perry: Me? But I'm supposed to be a mute tree.
- Abed Nadir: It's an emergency.
- Britta Perry: Hmm?
- Abed Nadir: This will help us get to regionals!
- Britta Perry: I knew it! Wait, what are the lyrics?
- Abed Nadir: They're in your heart, Britta.
- Britta Perry: Right. Duh doy!
- Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, Jeff Winger, Pierce Hawthorne, Shirley Bennett: [singing in unison] we are everyone, and we are everything
- Britta Perry: [Britta comes out on stage singing poorly] Christmas time!
- Cory Radison: What the...?
- Dean Pelton: Oh, Britta's in this?
- Britta Perry: [stomping her feet off-time] I got a Christmas time for me / I got a Christmas time for a tree
- Cory Radison: No! She's ruining it!
- Britta Perry: Christmas / Christmas time / me so Christmas, me so merry
- Cory Radison: [charges the stage] No, stop, stop, stop, stop! What are you doing? Get off the stage!
- Britta Perry: [speaking] I'm singing my heart's song.
- Cory Radison: Get off the stage, and never sing again! You are the worst!
- Jeff Winger: Hey!
- Troy Barnes: You do not get to call Britta "the worst!"
- Audience: Yeah! Let her finish!
- Dean Pelton: Mr. Radison, I think it's fine. I know Greendale is an all-inclusive school. Why don't we let Britta sing her awkward song?
- Audience: Yeah!
- [cheering]
- Annie Edison: I'll be at the movies with my bubbe.
- Troy Barnes: You're not taking both of them?
- Annie Edison: Well, one's dead.
- Troy Barnes: What?
- Annie Edison: I feel like we let Mr. Rad down.
- Jeff Winger: No, he let himself down by coming in this morning wearing a sweater vest.
- Troy Barnes: [about when they substituted for the glee club] It's all a weird, happy, musical fog.
- Britta Perry: Yeah, it was almost like being on ecstasy, only instead of having pointless conversations and dancing like idiots... wait. It was exactly like being on ecstasy!
- Jeff Winger: That's what worries me about this guy. He is equal parts Hanson and Manson. Nobody let him corner you until he is out of recruitment mode, or next thing you know, we'll all be caring about Christmas pageants and... regionals.
- Jeff Winger: Glee club, meet ASCAP, protecting music copyright since 1914. It seems they received an anonymous tip that someone was performing unlicensed material without the composer's consent. Merry Christmas, everybody. Glee club has become history club.
- Troy Barnes: We expected this from the others, but you, Pierce? Your generation invented music.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Well, I wouldn't say invented. Perfected, maybe.
- Annie Edison: Pierce! They're just trying to pander to your demographics' well-documented historical vanity. Resist!
- Dean Pelton: This is the second glee club we've lost in two years. Now they may have to cancel the Christmas pageant. And to think they were this close to regionals.
- Pierce Hawthorne: What the hell are regionals?
- Dean Pelton: They're this close, Pierce!
- Cory Radison: Glee club is supposed to be gleeful and happy and fun! And you will do it right, or there's gonna be another bus crash! I mean, figuratively. I'm not saying I killed the glee club, I'm saying that if you don't listen to me, it's like you're literally cutting the fuel line on your own... Hey, look! Kings of Leon!
- [Runs away]
- Annie Edison: Wow. They found a way to make the human being even creepier. Covering him in icicles.
- Shirley Bennett: I think it's festive.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, my favorite Christmas tradition is trimming the hellraiser.
- Jeff Winger: What did he just say? Did Mr. Radison kill the glee club?
- Dean Pelton: And to think I trusted him enough to let him ride on a magic carpet in my dreams.
- Annie Edison: Where's our table?
- Pierce Hawthorne: And who's that guy?
- [we see a man sitting behind a piano]
- Pierce Hawthorne: You all see him too, right?
- Cory Radison: [to Britta] Get off the stage and never sing again! You are the worst!
- Jeff Winger: Hey!
- Troy Barnes: You do not get to call Britta the worst!
- Jeff Winger: I think what we've learned, Abed, is that attempts to make the holidays brighter tend to give them a certain darkness.
- Cory Radison: I could not have done this without your recruiting skills, Abed.
- Abed Nadir: I was happy to do it. For a while there, I thought we were gonna end the semester on a really dark note. I'm glad we're singing and dancing together instead. This has been a good time.
- Cory Radison: And it's going to continue to be a good time.
- [increasingly manic]
- Cory Radison: If we win regionals, then it's straight on to sectionals. And then a week later is semis. Then semiregionals. Then regional-semis. Then national lower-zone semis!
- Abed Nadir: Oh. But I kinda thought this was... you know, just for Christmas.
- Cory Radison: [mania continues] No, no, no. This is forever. This is what we do now. This is who we are.
- [Abed's eyes widen with fear]
- Troy Barnes: This guy's like human froyo.
- Cory Radison: Look, when the last glee club died in that bus crash, you guys stepped up. And you were the best gosh darn emergency substitutes I've ever worked with.
- Shirley Bennett: Aw!
- Cory Radison: Well, this time... I'm not gonna kid you. I won't be easy.
- Dean Pelton: Oh.
- Cory Radison: Your best... won't be good enough. And ten times your best will be so bad, I will yell at you. But I promise, if we dig down...
- Jeff Winger: Pass.
- Troy Barnes, Shirley Bennett, Annie Edison, Pierce Hawthorne, Britta Perry, Abed Nadir: [in unison] Yeah.
- Cory Radison: Okay.
- Abed Nadir: What are you still doing here?
- Cory Radison: I thought I'd give her one more tinkle before I took down decorations. No glee club means no pageant, means no Christmas.
- Abed Nadir: I'm sure trying to make things brighter just would've made more darkness.
- Cory Radison: That sounds like a certain ex-lawyer talking.
- Abed Nadir: Guys, I found something we can watch together for Christmas this year. The long-lost 1981 Inspector Spacetime Holiday Special. Run time two and half hours and so critically reviled that after it aired, the creator has his knighthood revoked.
- Troy Barnes: That sounds terrible. I want to watch it twice, but I'm spending Christmas with my relatives. Or rather, I'm spending the day with my relatives while they refuse to acknowledge Christmas.
- Shirley Bennett: You Jehovah's Witnesses... so severe.
- Cory Radison: [singing] Glee! It's a feeling you get when your brain finally lets your heart get in its pants.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, stop it! Not liking glee club doesn't make us bullies, and implying that is reverse bullying.
- Abed Nadir: [singing] Glee is what I'll spread to my friends like a virus that sends them to a healthier place. Glee! I'll understand every scene because they'll sing what they mean instead of making a face.
- Abed Nadir: Maybe Jeff's right. Maybe forcing things to be bright just makes the darkness underneath even darker. This was all my fault, insisting we do the pageant. Sorry. Merry Christmas. I guess I'll just see you guys after the holidays.
- Jeff Winger: Annie, you too? This is beneath you. You are an intelligent woman. Also, you're Jewish!
- Annie Edison: [Flirtatiously] I guess I have a lot to learn about holiday tradition.
- [Upbeat piano tune]
- Annie Edison: [Betty Boop voice singing] Teach me how to understand Christmas / show me how to open a box / it hurts my little head / when I'm lying in my bed / with visions of sugarplum socks
- Jeff Winger: Is this a bit?
- Annie Edison: Teach me how to understand Christmas / do I trim the tree / or the deer? / I can't keep it straight / and now it's getting late / where does the stocking go? / Here?
- [speaking voice]
- Annie Edison: I can't see!
- [Betty Boop voice singing]
- Annie Edison: What's a Christmas Eve? / is that Santa's lady? / are snowmen cold or hot? / won't you be my daddy? / I'm a silly Christmas baby / tell me what to deck /
- [Giggles]
- Annie Edison: 'cause I forgot
- Jeff Winger: Annie.
- Annie Edison: Ooh! "Bwain" hurt-y, understand-y "cwistmas" / mistletoe for eat-y, taste good?" / You smarty, me dumb / help "pwetty" have fun / boopy doopy doop boop / sex
- [cymbal strike]
- Jeff Winger: Look, eventually, you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.
- Annie Edison: What's a dimin...
- [gibberish]
- Annie Edison: ?
- Jeff Winger: And it's all thanks to you, Mr. Rad. I just hope we can repay you by making regionals.
- [brainwashed smile creases Jeff's face]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Uh, I thought this was regionals.