Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Child's Play (2011)

Phelan Porteous: Phelous, Shredder

Quotes 

• Phelous : [Is dressed as the Nostalgia Critic and speaks like him]  Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to. Well, what movie can I review today to make my voice more HIGH PITCHED than it already is? How about a timeless Christmas classic like...

  Nostalgia Critic : [Is dressed as Phelous and speaks like him]  Hi, guys, Phelous here, and I bet you're wondering what holiday classic I'm going to review today. Well...

  Phelous : [Drops the impression]  Wait a second... I thought I was supposed to do an impression of you and then you get angry at me.

  Nostalgia Critic : [Drops impression likewise]  No, I thought I was supposed to do an impression of you and YOU were supposed to get angry.

  Phelous : Didn't you even read the script?

  Nostalgia Critic : What? You mean the one I wrote?

  Phelous : But you didn't write the script, I did!

  Nostalgia Critic : No, you didn't. I DID!

  [Both collectively sigh] 

  Phelous : Well, phenomenal. This crossover's off to a great start.

  Nostalgia Critic : I never had this problem with Lupa.

• Phelous : OK, fine. At the very least, let's announce which movie we're gonna review.

  Nostalgia Critic : Alright, good idea.

  [Both briefly appear side by side as they announce their movies at the same time] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Silent Night, Deadly Night.

  Phelous : Child's Play.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, for God's Sake, what does Child's Play have to do with Christmas?

  Phelous : It's got, like, snow, presents, decorations, murder... plenty Christmassy.

  Nostalgia Critic : It's as Christmassy as Reindeer Games!

  Phelous : Yeah? Well, what kind of material is Silent Night, Deadly Night gonna give us?

  Nostalgia Critic : Lots! Like how about that great over the top scene where...

  [Clip from Silent Night, Deadly Night showing the Santa Claus dressed killer pinning a girl down] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Or that really silly moment when...

  [Clip showing the killer about to slit the girl's throat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Or... Or that... goofy... um...

  [Clip showing the killer standing up after killing the girl] 

  Phelous : You thought this was the one with the "Garbage Day!" guy, didn't you?

  Nostalgia Critic : [Thinks for a second]  That's not the first one?

  Phelous : Second.

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, then what the hell are we looking at it for?

  Phelous : We're not. We're looking at Child's Play.

• Nostalgia Critic : But don't people like this movie?

  Phelous : I guess, but it's still not that good. It's a goofy idea with a goofy execution and an even goofier monster.

  Nostalgia Critic : Do they say "Garbage Day!" in it?

  Phelous : Let it go, Critic...

• [Opening scene of 'Child's Play'] 

  Phelous : So we see Prince Humperdinck chasing Grima Wormtongue down the streets of Chicago but he outwits him the best way he knows how: hiding right in front of him.

  [Charles Lee Ray, the infamous "Lakeshore Strangler", hides behind a pillar and the police car drives right past it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Wh-that worked? How the hell did he fool that officer? What, was Chief Wiggum driving the car?

• Charles Lee Ray (Brad Dourif) : [In a droll, disinterested voice after being shot]  Oh, God, I'm dying.

  Phelous : [sarcastic]  Well, at least he seems to be taking it well.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, that sounded more like an annoyance than it did painful last words.

• Charles Lee Ray (Brad Dourif) : [Yelling vengefully]  YOU HEAR THIS, YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'M GONNA GET YOU AND I'M GONNA GET EDDIE, NO MATTER WHAT!

  Nostalgia Critic : So, I'm confused: Is he the cartoonish over-the-top doll yet, or is that later?

  Phelous : Pretty hard to tell, isn't it?

• Nostalgia Critic : [Referring to Brad Dourif]  Didn't this guy win an Oscar?

  Phelous : Yeah, but to be fair, it was for best performance done while making your lower jaw jut out the whole time!

  Nostalgia Critic : Boy, the Academy's very specific.

• Phelous : Luckily, like most serial killers, he knows a couple voodoo spells to transfer his soul in case of death.

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, that's just common knowledge.

• [Lightning strikes the toy store causing a big explosion] 

  Phelous : Guess the lightning struck the flammable Elmo part of the store.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, sheesh, don't you think they would've tested those toys a little better if they were highly explosive?

  Phelous : But luckily, Humperdinck is shielded from the explosion by the explosive-proof toys.

• Phelous : Oh, hey, it's the mother from 7th Heaven!

  Nostalgia Critic : 7th Heaven? Really? That's where you know the mother from?

  Phelous : Well, that's probably her most well-known role. Was she on anything else of note?

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, I don't know, Star Trek 4?

  Phelous : Oh, yeah. She was in that, wasn't she? Wow. What an obscure reference.

  Nostalgia Critic : Her being in 7th Heaven is the obscure reference!

  Phelous : She was in 7th Heaven?

  [NC just stares, very confused] 

• [a costumed Chucky mascot appears in a TV commercial speaking to the camera] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [reacts in shock to the mascot]  AHHH! He's even more terrifying than I thought!

  Phelous : That's not the killer. That's just a children's mascot.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh. Well, that's a relief. For a second, I thought half of the effects in this movie were just gonna be a guy in a suit.

• Phelous : The mother gives the doll to the kid and as you can plainly see, it's already creepy! What kid wouldn't shit his pants talking to this thing? Was this really supposed to be a big seller?

• [Commenting on Chucky's POV] 

  Phelous : I guess hovering at several miles per hour is also part of being transferred into a doll.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, I know. Was he driving a go-kart while sneaking around the house?

• [Chucky hits Maggie in the face with a hammer; she then stumbles backwards and falls through the apartment window several stories high] 

  Phelous : I don't know how much you can blame Chucky for that one. She sort of did that to herself.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, she tosses herself out a window and doesn't even fall the same way she came out?

  [Maggie lands onto a pickup truck and dies] 

  Nostalgia Critic : This all came from a toy hammer! How can anyone be this clumsy?

• Nostalgia Critic : So the cops come in to investigate and Officer Humperdinck seems to think the kid might be to blame.

  Phelous : What a dick! It was so obviously the doll!

• Phelous : You know, if Chucky can move around so damn easily, why doesn't he just go to these places himself? It's not like he needs Andy.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, because he needs an alibi in case anyone suspects him.

  Phelous : The police would suspect the doll?

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, you should see what my Teddy Ruxpin can do.

• Detective Mike Norris (Chris Sarandon) : Look, Mrs. Barclay, I sympathize with you.

  Nostalgia Critic : No, really, I do. I have a My Little Pony that slaughtered my family.

  Phelous : I have a miniature Pikachu who ate my children.

  Nostalgia Critic : I have an army of LEGOs that crucified my hamster.

  Phelous : I have a Ninja Turtle with a drinking problem.

  Nostalgia Critic : What we're trying to say is... you're crazy.

• Detective Mike Norris (Chris Sarandon) : Where are you going now?

  Karen Barclay (Catherine Hicks) : Wabash and Van Buren.

  Detective Mike Norris (Chris Sarandon) : There's nothing there. It's an abandoned wreck of a store. It was struck by lightning the night that Charles Lee Ray died. I was there. I was the man who killed him!

  Karen Barclay (Catherine Hicks) : [stares in disbelief]  Why didn't you tell me?

  Phelous : If I'd known you were at a toy store where a serial killer died after he got struck by lightning, I would have known right away that the doll had his soul transferred into it! How dare you not tell me!

• [Chucky is trying to stab Detective Norris from the back seat in the car; Norris keeps driving while avoiding the stabs] 

  Phelous : Yes, keep driving faster. You'll eventually get away from the back seat.

• [Norris shoots Chucky who runs away] 

  Phelous : Oh, apparently sticking him with a lighter will hurt him. However, a gunshot? Nah. He can run that off.

• Chucky (Brad Dourif) : Well, John, it's been fun, but I gotta go. I have a date with a six-year-old boy.

  [NC and Phelous just stare in shock at that last line] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ...Next joke.

  Phelous : Yeah, next joke.

• Nostalgia Critic : Are transferred souls really so tightly bound to this loosely based biology?

  Phelous : Well, there's only one way to find out. Do you have a soul you've been looking to get rid of?

  Casper : [appears in front of NC]  TIMING!

  [Phelous waves his hands and speaks an indecipherable spell, sucking Casper below the bottom of the screen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What'd you do?

  Phelous : I just banished that joke into your coffee maker.

  Nostalgia Critic : But that was one of my longest running gags.

  Phelous : I know! That's why it sucked.

  Nostalgia Critic : But it was meant to suck. That's what made it funny.

  Phelous : No, making it suck didn't make it funny. It made it suck!

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, great. Now I have to find another long-running meme to annoy people!

• Phelous : It was pretty tough to sit through. But on the bright side, I didn't die in this episode...

  [a gunshot is heard, and Phelous falls to the side, dying] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [Puts down his gun]  Sorry, I died like four times in this episode. I figured you deserved one.

• [Dead Phelous gets up and starts to cast a spell, summoning lightning before dying again. NC simply stares in wonder] 

  Phelous : [Voice off-screen]  Critic!

  [NC yelps in fright and looks offscreen camera left. Cut to a pencil sharpener with Phelous' voice coming from it] 

  Phelous : I'm a pencil sharpener.

  Nostalgia Critic : Really? Y-You transferred your soul into a pencil sharpener?

  Phelous : Yeah, my mind went blank and all I could think of was pencil sharpener.

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, how's that working out for you?

  Phelous : Not well, Critic... I'm a pencil sharpener!

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, I'm sure you can still get a lot of good vengeance with that.

  Phelous : Oh, I can, Critic. I can.

  [He laughs evilly as lightning flashes] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Great. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

  [NC gets up to leave. The credits play as the pencil sharpener is shrunk to the left side of the screen] 

  Phelous : You better watch your fingers around me, Critic. Because next time you sharpen a pencil, you could get a little cut. Pencil sharpener! Ha-ha-ha! And, um... uh... next time you sharpen a pencil, I'll take too much off it! Your pencil won't be the way you wanted it! Oh, I'll get you with that! And also, when you're sleeping, I'll slit your throat, 'cause I've got a blade on here... actually, it's probably not sharp enough for that. I'll just stick with annoying you with dull pencils or... sharpen too much pencils. You can't avoid me forever, Critic. You're gonna need to come to your pencil sharpener when it's time to write your next script on the computer - Oh, damn it.

  [the credits end before we cut back to the pencil sharpener briefly] 

  Phelous : Hey, uh, C-Critic? C-Can you stick your face in me just for a second? I-I just want to show you something. There's something really, uh, c-cool in here - I'M GONNA GET YOU! Aww, you're not really doing it. You can't fit your face in here. Okay, never mind.