- Ben Chang: [thinking] Arizona Matchbook Company. Arizona. Arizona backwards is still Arizona! It's a palomino!
- Vicki: And then eventually, the caterpillar emerges from its cocoon and then...
- Magnitude: Pop pop!
- [the class cheers, applauds and laughs]
- Professor Marshall Kane: Nice work, you two. You know they're laughing at you, right? I mean, that's my theory.
- Shirley Bennett: What about Britta? She's not going to dissect anything.
- Britta Perry: Fine! You got me. I won't dissect anything with a face.
- Abed Nadir: What about worms?
- Britta Perry: They have tiny little faces.
- Annie Edison: This is why you're the stupidest!
- Britta Perry: If loving worms is stupid, I don't want to be smart!
- Annie Edison: It *is*, and you *can't* be!
- Todd: What is wrooong with you people? Huh? I thought you were supposed to be friends! I thought you were supposed to love each other! Your love is weird. And toxic! And it destroys everything it touches! I no longer care about grades. Or biology. Or finally graduating from college, like I promised my dying father. I'm going home. I'm gonna hold my wife and my child close. And I am gonna finally take my Insulin shot! Offense taken! Offense taken.
- Jeff Winger: Well, he is right about one thing. You're all terrible people. And I don't care about this stupid assignment. I'm going home. No, I'm not, I'm going to biology class. It starts in 15 minutes.
- [Annie and Shirley gasp]
- Ben Chang: [In voice-over, describes a woman] She was all dame, legs that went all the way to the bottom of her torso. The kind of arms that had elbows.
- Jeff Winger: Guys, I just figured it all out.
- Troy Barnes: Pierce, wake up, Jeff is gonna heal us.
- Jeff Winger: We have been looking at this totally wrong. There's no way I'm unpopular. One of you monsters just put me last in a petty attempt to humble me.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [Fake-snores] Oh! I just had a terrible nightmare that Jeff was a pompous ass. Also Todd was there. Uh, no offense, Todd.
- Annie Edison: [Each member of the group is trying to break up with their lab partner] It's not you, it's me.
- Britta Perry: I'm just trying to protect us both from more pain down the road.
- Abed Nadir: I may have a developmental disorder.
- Troy Barnes: I need to catch up on "Breaking Bad", so...
- Shirley Bennett: I'm so sorry.
- Jeff Winger: I have a developmental disorder.
- [Pretends to be Abed]
- Jeff Winger: Star Wars, Star Wars. Cool, cool, cool. Hmm. You understand.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You're also, quite frankly, a very weird-looking man. I don't know you, but I just don't trust you. And I don't think I could grow to like you. The point of what I'm trying to tell you, Todd, is that I don't want to be your lab partner. No offense.
- Todd: None taken. I understand, you wanna be with your friends.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Don't tell me what I'm feeling or thinking. It's petty. Good-bye, Todd. Okay, how are we gonna divide the... Hey, wh...
- [Pierce realizes he's odd man out and chases after Todd]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Hey, Todd! Todd, buddy! You passed the test.
- Britta Perry: Fine, why don't I just go work with Todd?
- Todd: Hey, that's cool, whatever gets this project done.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, wow, what a great guy. I can see why all of you like him so much more than me.
- Annie Edison: Jeff, maybe it's just that no one wants to carry you all year.
- Jeff Winger: Gee, you're right, Annie, it's not personal. I mean, it's not like people really like you. You're just a good grade in a tight sweater.
- Annie Edison: You're just a bad grade in a tight sweater. And who the hell are you always texting? Everyone you know is here.
- Annie Edison: These questions are really personal. Are you sure this is anonymous?
- Britta Perry: Yeah, they're just practice evaluations for my psych class.
- [Everybody hands her their tests]
- Britta Perry: All right. Who did a butt?
- Troy Barnes: They're boobs. And I don't know.
- Britta Perry: Take it again.
- [Looks at the other tests]
- Britta Perry: All right. Somebody drew a penis. Oh! And another penis. Penis, penis, penis. Very mature, guys.
- Annie Edison: I didn't draw a penis.
- Shirley Bennett: Me neither.
- Abed Nadir: Yeah, these are all normally filled out tests.
- Britta Perry: Ha ha! Gotcha! This was also a test, and you all penised. Passed. Maybe I need to take one. A test. Not a penis.
- Professor Marshall Kane: Your terrariums are due tomorrow. And everyone look across the table at the person in front of you. That's your lab partner for the rest of the semester. Saddle up.
- Troy Barnes: [under his breath to Abed] Who are these people?
- Annie Edison: [searching all-you-can-eat cafeteria salad] I can't believe it. This is the first time there hasn't been a beetle in here. Should we move outside?
- Jeff Winger: [looking at his blackberry] Uh-huh.
- Annie Edison: Did you even hear what I said?
- Jeff Winger: Uh-huh.
- Annie Edison: Seriously? Is this what it's gonna be like working together?
- Jeff Winger: What? I lost three followers? Man, people just can't handle the truth about Ben Sherman's winter collection.
- Ben Chang: [Chang enters Greendale Campus Security Office] I've been walking my beat a long time, sir. A long time. I've kept my head down, paid my dues. And, well, I think I'm ready to make detective.
- Sgt. Nunez: You've only been here a month. You really haven't done much of anything. And there's no such thing as security guard detective. We don't solve crimes. We barely prevent them. You wanna detect something? Do it on your own time.
- Ben Chang: Maybe I will.
- [voiceover]
- Ben Chang: "Maybe I will." My own words rang in my head like a bell inside a head. Maybe I was crazy. Or maybe, just maybe, I was a detective.
- Troy Barnes: We love each other.
- Abed Nadir: Second paintball.
- Professor Marshall Kane: What is happening at this school? I have so many conversations that make no sense.
- Jeff Winger: Uh, we'd really prefer to partner up amongst ourselves.
- Troy Barnes: [chuckles] Roommates, study group, lab partners. We really are gonna spend all our time together. How awesome is that?
- Abed Nadir: Very. You know what else is awesome? Last night I saw the Hong Kong movie. That Kickpuncher is based on.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah, I know, I was there.
- Abed Nadir: Did you see the scene where Kickpuncher kick-punches 200 guys with one kick-punch?
- Troy Barnes: Yeah. Both of them.
- Abed Nadir: [realization] Oh.
- Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: We spend too much time together. Jinx.
- Jeff Winger: So it's agreed. Let's go to the study room and deal with this Todd problem once and for all.
- Shirley Bennett: Okay.
- Todd: Um, did you want me to come?
- Jeff Winger: Um, it's called "the Todd problem."
- Abed Nadir: All right, yep. According to my system, Annie's gonna be with Shirley. Pierce is with me. Troy is with Britta. And Jeff is with Todd.
- Britta Perry: Okay, let's get to work.
- Jeff Winger: Uh, wait. Um, how did I end up with Todd? I mean, no offense, but he wasn't exactly at the top of my list.
- Todd: None taken.
- Abed Nadir: It's what the algorithm dictated.
- Jeff Winger: And we're just supposed to trust your algorithm?
- Abed Nadir: You're questioning my algorithm?
- Jeff Winger: Not necessarily. Is your algorithm above questioning?
- Abed Nadir: Not necessarily.
- Jeff Winger: Will you just tell us how you chose?
- Abed Nadir: I used the ballots to rank everyone by popularity. And I put the most popular with the least popular. I figured it would maximize each partnership's audience appeal.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, I-I see. So I was number one, and he was obviously number eight. No offense, Todd.
- Abed Nadir: You and Todd were four and five.
- Jeff Winger: [scoffs] I was four?
- Abed Nadir: Todd was four.
- Jeff Winger: I was five? Well, that's insane! We don't even know him. He's a stranger.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Please, Jeff. It has feelings.
- Troy Barnes: Wait, so we all know Annie was number one, because she'd do all the work.
- Annie Edison: [demurely] Oh.
- Troy Barnes: And Shirley was her partner, so...
- Shirley Bennett: But that means-- so you all put...
- Pierce Hawthorne: I just worked it out. I'm more popular than someone!
- Ben Chang: [internal monologue while staring into a men's room mirror] Why does this guy keep staring at me?
- Jeff Winger: Okay, we just have to come up with a fair way to decide who is gonna be stuck for an entire semester with this... random. This, uh... non-grouper. No offense, Todd.
- Todd: None taken. I'm happy to work with whoever.
- [Abed shakes his head and rolls his eyes]
- Troy Barnes: There's only one way to decide this fairly. We go boy-girl, boy-girl. But everyone has to have a different hair color. And be from a different high school. And be a different race. I guess I'd be with... Britta.
- [laughs]
- Troy Barnes: I guess my... my hands are tied.
- [Britta looks confused and wary]
- Abed Nadir: The hair color concept intrigues me because it's how I distinguish you anyway.
- Professor Marshall Kane: Now, super group. I can't help but notice a sorry lack of terrariums.
- Jeff Winger: We didn't have time to finish.
- Annie Edison: Here's mine.
- Jeff Winger: When did you even have time to do that? You're pathological.
- Annie Edison: It's too late for flattery.
- Jeff Winger: Professor, obviously this isn't working out. You're just gonna have to put us with our original lab partners. All right?
- Professor Marshall Kane: I don't have to do anything. Not after you broke my boy Todd. That man called me crying this morning. You know he fought in Iraq, right? We had a name for people like you in prison. We called you "the mean clique."
- [gasps]