Kyle Kallgren: Oancitizen

Quotes 

• Oancitizen : Can you imagine her and Soderbergh on set?

  [scene cuts; imitating Soderbergh] 

  Oancitizen : Okay, Sasha, go ahead and act.

  Sasha : [high-pitched Trey Parker archive voice]  No!

  Oancitizen : Sasha, we talked about this, we need you to act here...

  Sasha : Want cock!

  Oancitizen : You can have cock once you've given us a discernable emotion...

  Sasha : Want cock now! Want cock!

  Oancitizen : Please...

  Sasha : Want cock!

  Oancitizen : Sasha. Sasha, I promise you, once we do this scene, we'll all go out and get you a nice cock.

  Sasha : Promise?

  Oancitizen : Yes, honey, I promise.

  [cuts back to Oancitizen in his chair; claps] 

  Oancitizen : The Sasha-Soderbergh sketch, ladies and gentlemen.

• Oancitizen : Ugh, wow. This is exhausting. This is just session after session after session. But then again, that's pretty much how a prostitute's life must be: just a long series of talking, fucking and leaving. Going through the motions.

• Chelsea : Took a q-tip and he asked me to put it on my vagina.

  Oancitizen : Grey, I've seen you drink your own urine, I think you can handle a q-tip. The research I did for this episode was so, SO depressing.

• Oancitizen : [reading Cosmopolitan]  "When I'm feeling really frisky, I like to remove his boxers, using just my mouth." Ha, empowerment.

• Oancitizen : [re: Sasha Grey]  In general, she's proven to be smarter than the average porn star. Not that there's a high bar or anything.

• Oancitizen : Now you're probably wondering, given Grey's reputation, if she has any nude scenes in this film.

  [shows one, with her privates covered] 

  Oancitizen : Yes, yes she does. That was it. Hope you enjoyed it.

• Chelsea : They want what they want you to be. They want you to be something else.

  Oancitizen : Well, Grey, I want you to be an engaging screen presence, or at least be so bad that it is easy to mock you. So far, no such luck.

• Oancitizen : Here we have an independent business woman who is also trying to get money in an unstable economic environment. Ergo, she's struggling because her clientele of rich, lard-ass robber-barons are struggling too. See? This is why we needed to bail out the banks. Think of all the high-class hookers this recession has hurt.

• Oancitizen : Then we go back to the guy who... whoa! Too much mustache!

• Oancitizen : So he's a journalist playing a journalist interviewing a whore playing a whore.

• Oancitizen : A major character in the movie is supposed to be... an internet reviewer? Oh, this has gotten very interesting.

• Oancitizen : [working a sex hotline]  You want me to do WHAT with my tie?