Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : But then Tweedle Dip and Tweedle Shit drop by and throw her in their evil carriage. So they stop her from getting to the castle, as they take her to... the castle. You just brought her to the place she was going anyway! I think your plan is a little backwards, Jafar!

• Nostalgia Critic : [as Alice]  Dad, I just got back from Wonderland, where an evil wizard tried to take over, but some magic bears helped me out to save a princess and make the flowers bloom.

  [as father] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Take your meds!

• Nostalgia Critic : Is there a hat to shut you the fuck up?

• Alice : Mr. Rabbit, I was wondering, what exactly does a princess do?

  Nostalgia Critic : Well mostly sell toys, piss off feminists, and make girls question their own sense of self-worth.

  [Beat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Tell me I'm wrong!

• Nostalgia Critic : You know, instead of Evil Wizard, I think they should have called you Freakin' Dummox.

• Nostalgia Critic : Where are your priorities, movie? Do you want us to forget we watched you?

• Alice : What's the use? There's such special people out there, and I'm... just me. Oh, Dinah. It doesn't matter what I do. I'm just... not special.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Alice]  Oh, curse this youthful face, expressive eyes, long flowing hair, perfect teeth, clear skin and excellent speaking voice: I want to be special. You know, like Susie down the street, with her head retainer, bad acne and unexplained third eye? She's the girl we all want to be!

• Nostalgia Critic : You know, the lack of logic in the characters' lack of logic really lacks of logic.

• Nostalgia Critic : Rather than just, oh, I don't know, go through another mirror, they decide to find an enchanted hole to climb into. What a coincidence, I also have an enchanted hole that these schmucks can climb into.

• Alice : What's the princess test?

  Queen : It's a test that only a true princess can pass.

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, take a dozen mattresses; take one teeny, tiny little pea... and then run a DNA test and see who matches the queen. Pretty straightforward.

• Nostalgia Critic : This is it. This is finally it. The last one. We are at the final Care Bears movie!

  ["Ode to Joy" plays as he flails his arms around in ecstasy] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, it's been hard. It's been an enchanted realm of SHIT watching these movies! But we're finally here, the very last one! Taste the rainbow, motherfuckers, this is "Care Bears In Wonderland"!

• Nostalgia Critic : [the opening titles show a credit for Cineplex Odeon Films]  So we see this time instead of a movie company making this film, we instead get a movie theater company. Because obviously, nobody should keep this gift of cinema away from the movie-going public.

• Nostalgia Critic : So it turns out the rabbit is looking for Swiftheart. Why? Get this: because they're related! Yeah, that's right. The rabbit from "Alice in Wonderland" is related to the rabbit from "Care Bears". No shit. What other family tree surprises do you think are out there? Do you think Slippy is related to Mr. Toad? Or Toto is related to Beethoven? Or Tom Thumb is related to Danny DeVito? The possibilities are just endless!

• Nostalgia Critic : While these may not be the worst films I've ever seen, there's just an annoyance that goes along with the Care Bears name. And this film is no exception. Not only do they insult the intelligence of the younger audience watching this, but now they insult the intelligence of the timeless Lewis Carroll books. That's two slaps in the face for one! How bad is it? Well, apparently, it wasn't even good enough to get a DVD release. So that means that this...

  [shows a clip of "The Care Bears Movie"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... and this...

  [shows a clip of "Care Bears II: A New Generation"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... deserve much better treatment than this.

  [holds a VHS copy of this movie] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [demonic voice]  BRING IT ON!

• [the Cheshire Cat from this movie, who is a rapper, is having a rap-off with the rapping dog from "Titanic: The Legend Goes On"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I never thought I'd say this, but put Care Bears back on!

• Nostalgia Critic : I guess they actually got Natalie Cole to sing the opening song this time. Give her some credit, though. She puts more energy into it than Carole King, who sounds like she's singing it in her fucking sleep.

• Nostalgia Critic : [Swiftheart is the White Rabbit's niece]  Wait a minute, Swiftheart is a chick? I never knew that! Oh my God, I totally thought he was a dude this whole time! I mean, okay, I don't need all women to wear bows and dresses and stuff but... SOME kinda clue would be nice! I mean, you know, bigger eyelashes, or redder lips, or...

  [a shot of Lola Bunny from "Space Jam" is shown, along with the message "bunny boobies", while the "Shock Horror" sound plays in the background] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Nope, nope! We are NOT opening that door again!

• Nostalgia Critic : You may notice a lack of enjoyment emanating from these characters and instead replaced with undiluted sodomy of the senses. Now, the reason behind this is... God hates you and he shows it with Care Bears.

• Nostalgia Critic : [as the White Rabbit]  You may remember this from the much better Disney movie.

  [as Grumpy Bear] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, you mean the one with Johnny Depp?

  [as the White Rabbit] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No. The much *better* Disney movie!

• Nostalgia Critic : This movie sucks!