- Jayden Kwapis: And you two, of course, are adult stable boy Enos Craven and his lovely wife, Colette.
- Adriana: Who knows that there's more to life than this marriage and is openly cuckolding Enos with Camarillo Jones.
- Neil Bremer: I'm sorry. Wait, what's that?
- Jayden Kwapis: It's just you said you wanted to play the couple, sir.
- Neil Bremer: I lost my manhood in... in the Civil War? Is that literal or...
- James: [as the character Dr Eustace Princeton] It is. Yeah, you visited my office and you said you were running away from the battle of Gettysburg, and it got bitten off by a dog.
- Neil Bremer: Okay. I don't like who I am.
- James: Okay, so when COVID started, I'd been dating somebody for about three months, and, um, Paige and I...
- Mikaela Shaw: Paige? She sounds white.
- Tommy Tomás: You know how I keep an eye on what Jayden looks at online?
- Mikaela Shaw: In case he's planning to kill all of us?
- Tommy Tomás: Right. Well, he's been searching nothing but murder mysteries. So he is either going to kill us or even worse, he's going to invite us to a murder mystery party.
- [Jayden appears behind Tommy]
- Jayden Kwapis: [flatly] Hey, guys.
- [Tommy shudders]
- Jayden Kwapis: I'm having a murder mystery party at my apartment tonight.
- Tommy Tomás, Mikaela Shaw: Oh, I... Oh, I...
- [searching for an excuse to decline an invitation]
- Jayden Kwapis: My therapist thinks that I need to start planning for a partnerless future and building a social life unrelated to dating. My therapist also thinks that I need to invite people the day of so that they don't have time to make up an excuse because I'm too trusting.
- Tommy Tomás, Mikaela Shaw: [overlapping] We'd love to come. Can't wait, buddy.
- James: Can I come too?
- Jayden Kwapis: Oh. I bought two beers the week we met just hoping this day would come.
- Arpi Meskimen: This is indeed a rare opportunity, sir. I've been in City Hall for three decades and the last time we had a budget surplus was that year we just straight up forgot to pay teachers.
- Jayden Kwapis: Well, I'm Camarillo Jones, and I'm a man of few words. So... yep.
- Adriana: Well, Mr. Jones, I'm supposed to interview you.
- [laughs]
- Adriana: But why am I being so formal when you and I have made the beast with two backs?
- Jayden Kwapis: A camel?
- Jayden Kwapis: Sir, just wanted to say I'm so sorry I cuckolded you last night.
- Neil Bremer: Kwapis, Adriana, and I had been on a couple of dates. That is all. It's fine. Not that I wasn't surprised when I went into the kitchen. I mean, did she lift you up on the counter, or did you jump up there?
- Jayden Kwapis: It's all a blur, sir.
- Neil Bremer: Well, I guess, despite my best efforts, I ended up playing the part of Enos Craven pretty well, didn't I?
- [chuckles]
- Neil Bremer: But there is a silver lining. Oh, you saw my underwear. Yeah, that's for odor.
- Jayden Kwapis: Oh, you saw my underwear. Yeah, that's for odor.
- Mikaela Shaw: "I can't" is not the same as "I'm not interested" 'cause he was. But being on the apps is not the same as "I can't." It's "I can and I am", right?
- Tommy Tomás: Honestly, *what*?
- Arpi Meskimen: [to Neil] Look, I get that diarrhea isn't flashy. Except when there's glitter in it, which is quite common for craft store employees.