Mr. Mayor (TV Series)
Murder in the Old West (2022)
Bobby Moynihan: Jayden Kwapis
Quotes
-
Jayden Kwapis : And you two, of course, are adult stable boy Enos Craven and his lovely wife, Colette.
Adriana : Who knows that there's more to life than this marriage and is openly cuckolding Enos with Camarillo Jones.
Neil Bremer : I'm sorry. Wait, what's that?
Jayden Kwapis : It's just you said you wanted to play the couple, sir.
Neil Bremer : I lost my manhood in... in the Civil War? Is that literal or...
James : [as the character Dr Eustace Princeton] It is. Yeah, you visited my office and you said you were running away from the battle of Gettysburg, and it got bitten off by a dog.
Neil Bremer : Okay. I don't like who I am.
-
Tommy Tomás : You know how I keep an eye on what Jayden looks at online?
Mikaela Shaw : In case he's planning to kill all of us?
Tommy Tomás : Right. Well, he's been searching nothing but murder mysteries. So he is either going to kill us or even worse, he's going to invite us to a murder mystery party.
[Jayden appears behind Tommy]
Jayden Kwapis : [flatly] Hey, guys.
[Tommy shudders]
Jayden Kwapis : I'm having a murder mystery party at my apartment tonight.
Tommy Tomás , Mikaela Shaw : Oh, I... Oh, I...
[searching for an excuse to decline an invitation]
Jayden Kwapis : My therapist thinks that I need to start planning for a partnerless future and building a social life unrelated to dating. My therapist also thinks that I need to invite people the day of so that they don't have time to make up an excuse because I'm too trusting.
Tommy Tomás , Mikaela Shaw : [overlapping] We'd love to come. Can't wait, buddy.
James : Can I come too?
Jayden Kwapis : Oh. I bought two beers the week we met just hoping this day would come.
-
Jayden Kwapis : Well, I'm Camarillo Jones, and I'm a man of few words. So... yep.
Adriana : Well, Mr. Jones, I'm supposed to interview you.
[laughs]
Adriana : But why am I being so formal when you and I have made the beast with two backs?
Jayden Kwapis : A camel?
-
Jayden Kwapis : Sir, just wanted to say I'm so sorry I cuckolded you last night.
Neil Bremer : Kwapis, Adriana, and I had been on a couple of dates. That is all. It's fine. Not that I wasn't surprised when I went into the kitchen. I mean, did she lift you up on the counter, or did you jump up there?
Jayden Kwapis : It's all a blur, sir.
Neil Bremer : Well, I guess, despite my best efforts, I ended up playing the part of Enos Craven pretty well, didn't I?
[chuckles]
Neil Bremer : But there is a silver lining. Oh, you saw my underwear. Yeah, that's for odor.
Jayden Kwapis : Oh, you saw my underwear. Yeah, that's for odor.