Sherlock (TV Series)

A Scandal in Belgravia (2012)

Benedict Cumberbatch: Sherlock Holmes

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sherlock Holmes : Oh, enjoying the thrill of the chase is fine, and creating the distraction of the game I sympathize entirely, but SENTIMENT... sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side.

  Irene Adler : Sentiment? What are you talking about?

  Sherlock Holmes : You.

  Irene Adler : Oh, dear God. Look at the poor man. You don't actually think I was interested in you? Why? Because you're the great Sherlock Holmes, the clever detective in the funny hat?

  Sherlock Holmes : No... because I took your pulse: elevated; your pupils: dilated. I imagine John Watson thinks love's a mystery to me, but the chemistry is incredibly simple and very destructive. When we first met, you told me that disguise is always a self-portrait; how true of you. The combination to your safe: your measurements - but this...

  Sherlock Holmes : [taking her cell phone]  ... this is far more intimate. This is your heart, and you should never let it rule your head. You could have chosen any random number and walked out of here today with everything you've worked for, but you just couldn't resist it, could you? I've always assumed that love is a dangerous disadvantage. Thank you for the final proof.

  Irene Adler : Everything I said - it's not real. I was just playing the game.

  Sherlock Holmes : I know. And this is just losing.

• Sherlock Holmes : [to Watson]  Punch me in the face.

  Kate : [scene cuts to Irene Adler having makeup applied in her apartment]  Shade?

  Irene Adler : Blood.

  Dr. John Watson : [back in the street]  Punch you?

  Sherlock Holmes : Yes, punch me, in the face. Didn't you hear me?

  Dr. John Watson : I always hear "punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually sub-text.

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh, for God's sakes!

  [Sherlock punches John hard across the face] 

  Dr. John Watson : Oh!

  [Sherlock waits; John, now sufficiently roused, returns Sherlock's punch] 

  Sherlock Holmes : [getting up from the ground]  Thank you, that was... that was...

  [Not done, John delivers Sherlock a gut punch] 

  Sherlock Holmes : [now being strangled]  Okay, I think we're done now, John.

  Sherlock Holmes : You ought to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier. I killed people.

  Dr. John Watson : You were a doctor!

  Dr. John Watson : I had bad days!

• [Sending John in the field, Sherlock looks at a case from the comfort of his apartment via webcam] 

  Sherlock Holmes : Look, this is a 6. There's no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a 7, we agreed. Now, go back, show me the grass.

  Dr. John Watson : When did we agree that?

  Sherlock Holmes : We agreed it yesterday. Stop! Closer.

  Dr. John Watson : I wasn't even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin.

  Sherlock Holmes : It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.

  [doorbell rings] 

  Sherlock Holmes : [to the door]  Shut up!

  Dr. John Watson : Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?

  Sherlock Holmes : I don't know, how often are you away?

• Mrs. Hudson : It's a disgrace, sending your little brother into danger like that. Family is all we have in the end, Mycroft Holmes.

  Mycroft Holmes : Oh, shut up, Mrs. Hudson!

  Sherlock Holmes : [furious]  Mycroft!

  Dr. John Watson : Hey!

  Mycroft Holmes : [long pause]  Apologies.

  Mrs. Hudson : Thank you.

  Sherlock Holmes : Though do, in fact, shut up.

• Sherlock Holmes : Please don't feel obliged to tell me that was remarkable or amazing. John's expressed that thought in every possible variant available to the English language.

  Irene Adler : I would have you right here, on this desk, until you begged for mercy twice.

  Sherlock Holmes : [long pause]  John, please can you check those flight schedules, see if I'm right?

  Dr. John Watson : Yeah, I'm on it, yeah.

  Sherlock Holmes : I've never begged for mercy in my life.

  Irene Adler : Twice.

• Dr. John Watson : We should call the police.

  Sherlock Holmes : Yes.

  [fires five gunshots into the air] 

  Sherlock Holmes : On their way.

  Dr. John Watson : For God's sake!

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh, shut up. It's quick.

• Sherlock Holmes : [on the phone]  Lestrade? We've had a break-in at Baker Street. Send your least irritating officers and an ambulance. Oh, no, no, no, no, we're fine. No, it's the, uh, it's the burglar, he's got himself rather badly injured.

  [Neilson, bound and gagged, but otherwise unharmed, looks up in confusion] 

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh, a few broken ribs, fractured skull, suspected punctured lung.

  [pause] 

  Sherlock Holmes : He fell out of a window.

  [cut to the first floor of Baker Street, where John is tending Mrs. Hudon's wounds] 

  Mrs. Hudson : Oh! It stings...

  [a body falls past the window, landing with a crash] 

  Mrs. Hudson : Oh, that was right on my bins.

  [Cut to a later street scene, as the ambulance pulls away] 

  DI Lestrade : And exactly how many times did he fall out of the window?

  Sherlock Holmes : It's all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count.

• Dr. John Watson : [notes Sherlock wrapped in a bed sheet]  You wearing any pants?

  Sherlock Holmes : No.

  Dr. John Watson : Okay.

  [Holmes and Watson glance at each other and burst into laughter] 

  Dr. John Watson : At Buckingham Palace. Right. Oh, oh, I am seriously fighting an impulse to steal an ashtray.

  [chuckles with Sherlock] 

  Dr. John Watson : What are we doing here, Sherlock? No, seriously, what?

  Sherlock Holmes : I don't know.

  Dr. John Watson : Here to see the Queen?

  Sherlock Holmes : [Mycroft walks in]  Oh, apparently yes.

  [John and Sherlock start laughing] 

  Mycroft Holmes : Just once can you two behave like grown ups?

  Dr. John Watson : We solve crimes, I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. So I wouldn't hold out to too much hope.

• Sherlock Holmes : I see you've got a new boyfriend, Molly, and you're serious about him.

  Molly Hooper : What? Sorry, what?

  Sherlock Holmes : In fact, you're seeing him this very night and giving him a gift.

  Dr. John Watson : Take a day off.

  Lestrade : Shut up and have a drink.

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh, come on, surely you've all seen the present at top of the bag. Perfectly wrapped with a bow. All the others are slap-dash at best. It's for someone special, then. The shade of red echoes her lipstick, either an unconscious association or one that she's deliberately trying to encourage. Either way, Miss Hooper has love on her mind. The fact that she's serious about him is clear from the fact that she's giving him a gift at all. That always suggests long-term hopes, however forlorn, and that she's seeing him tonight is evident from her make-up and what she's wearing. Obviously trying to compensate for the size of her mouth and breasts...

  [voice trails off as he opens the tag: "Dearest Sherlock Love Molly xxx"] 

  Molly Hooper : [brutally embarrassed]  You always say such horrible things. Every time. Always. Always...

  Sherlock Holmes : [turns to leave but turns back]  I am sorry. Forgive me.

  [John looks up, completely surprised at hearing an apology from Sherlock] 

  Sherlock Holmes : Merry Christmas, Molly Hooper.

  [Sherlock kisses her cheek. Suddenly, Sherlock's text message tone goes off, which Irene Adler earlier changed to the sound of a woman gasping in ecstasy] 

  Molly Hooper : Oh, No! That wasn't... I didn't...

  Sherlock Holmes : No, it was me.

  Lestrade : My God, really?

  Molly Hooper : What?

  Sherlock Holmes : My *phone*.

• Irene Adler : Mr. Holmes, if it was the end of the world, if this was the very last night, would you have dinner with me?

  Mrs. Hudson : [off screen]  Sherlock?

  Irene Adler : Too late.

  Sherlock Holmes : That's not the end of the world, that's Mrs. Hudson.

• Irene Adler : I don't understand

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh, well, try to.

  Irene Adler : Why?

  Sherlock Holmes : Because you cater to the whims of the pathetic and take your clothes off to make an impression. Stop boring me and think. It's the new sexy.

• Dr. John Watson : She'll have to sleep upstairs in our flat tonight, we need to look after her.

  Mrs. Hudson : No...

  Sherlock Holmes : No, no, no, she's fine.

  Dr. John Watson : No, she's not, look at her. She's got to take some time away from Baker Street. She can go and stay with her sister. Doctor's orders.

  Sherlock Holmes : Don't be absurd.

  Dr. John Watson : She's in shock, for God's sake, and all over some bloody stupid camera-phone. Where is it, anyway?

  Sherlock Holmes : Safest place I know.

  Mrs. Hudson : You left it in the pocket of your second-best dressing gown, you clot.

  [chuckles] 

  Mrs. Hudson : I managed to sneak it out when they thought I was having a cry.

  Sherlock Holmes : Thank you. Shame on you, John Watson.

  Dr. John Watson : Shame on me?

  Sherlock Holmes : Mrs. Hudson leave Baker Street? England would fall.

• Little Girl : They wouldn't let us see Granddad when he was dead. Is that 'cause he'd gone to heaven?

  Sherlock Holmes : People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special room and burned.

  Dr. John Watson : Sherlock...

• Sherlock Holmes : Look at them. They all care so much. Do you ever wonder if there's something wrong with us?

  Mycroft Holmes : All lives end... all hearts are broken... Caring is not an advantage... Sherlock.

  Sherlock Holmes : [smoking one of Irene's cigarettes]  This is low tar.

  Mycroft Holmes : Well, you barely knew her.

• Sherlock Holmes : [via a note taped to the door of Baker Street]  "Crime in Progress. Please Disturb."

• Sherlock Holmes : Do people actually read your blog?

  Dr. John Watson : Where do you think our clients come from?

  Sherlock Holmes : I have a website.

  Dr. John Watson : In which you enumerate two hundred and forty different types of tobacco ash. Nobody's reading your website.

• Mycroft Holmes : [pouring tea]  I'll be mother.

  Sherlock Holmes : And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell.

• Sherlock Holmes : [reluctantly impressed]  Oh, you're rather good.

  Irene Adler : [returning the compliment]  You're not so bad.

  [intense gazing into eyes ensues] 

  Dr. John Watson : [interrupting the pause]  Hamish.

  [startled looks from Irene and Sherlock] 

  Dr. John Watson : John Hamish Watson, just... if you were... looking for baby names.

• Mycroft Holmes : This is a matter of national importance. Grow up!

  Sherlock Holmes : [dressed only in a bedsheet, on which Mycroft is standing]  Get off my sheet!

  Mycroft Holmes : Or what?

  Sherlock Holmes : Or I'll just walk away.

  Mycroft Holmes : I'll let you.

  Dr. John Watson : Boys, please. Not here.

• Sherlock Holmes : Dominatrix...

  Mycroft Holmes : Don't be alarmed. It's to do with sex.

  Sherlock Holmes : Sex doesn't alarm me.

  Mycroft Holmes : How would you know?

• Irene Adler : [stark naked before them]  D'you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes? However hard you try, it's always a self-portrait.

  Sherlock Holmes : You think I'm a vicar with a bleeding face?

  Irene Adler : No, I think you're damaged, delusional and believe in a higher power. In your case, it's yourself. And somebody loves you. Oh, if I had to punch that face...

  Irene Adler : [looks over at John]  ... I'd avoid your nose and teeth, too.

  Dr. John Watson : [laughs nervously]  Could you put something on, please? Uh, anything at all. A napkin...

  Sherlock Holmes : Why? Are you feeling exposed?

  Irene Adler : I don't think John knows where to look.

  [Stands up and offers coat to Irene] 

  Irene Adler : No, I think he knows exactly where. I'm not sure about you.

  Sherlock Holmes : If I were to look at naked women, I'd borrow John's laptop.

  Dr. John Watson : You do borrow my laptop.

  Sherlock Holmes : I confiscate it.

• [Life resumes at Baker Street] 

  Timid Man : My wife seems to be spending a very long time at the office...

  Sherlock Holmes : Boring.

  [cut to next consultation] 

  Married Woman : I think my husband might be having an affair...

  Sherlock Holmes : Yes.

  [cut to next consultation] 

  Creepy Guy : [holding an urn]  She's not my real aunt, she's been replaced. I know she has. I know human ash...

  Sherlock Holmes : Leave.

  [cut to next consultation] 

  Businessman : We are prepared to offer any sum of money you care to mention for the recovery of these files...

  Sherlock Holmes : Boring.

  [cut to next consultation] 

  Geeky Young Man : We have this website. It explains the true meaning of comic books, 'cause people miss a lot of the themes...

  [Sherlock walks off, preparing to dismiss them] 

  Geeky Young Man : ...uh, but then all the comic books start coming true.

  Sherlock Holmes : [comes back]  Oh, interesting.

• Dr. John Watson : What's going on? Jeez, what the hell is happening?

  Sherlock Holmes : Mrs. Hudson's been attacked by an American; I'm restoring balance to the universe.

• Sherlock Holmes : Smoking indoors. Isn't there one of those... one of those law things?

  Mycroft Holmes : We're in a morgue. There's only so much damage you can do.

• Sherlock Holmes : First get rid of your boys.

  Neilson : Why?

  Sherlock Holmes : I dislike being outnumbered. It makes for too much stupid in the room.

• [last lines] 

  Sherlock Holmes : The Woman... *The* Woman.

• Sherlock Holmes : [checking out John's blog]  You got a photograph of me wearing that hat!

  Dr. John Watson : Yeah, people like the hat.

  Sherlock Holmes : No, they don't! What people?

• Sherlock Holmes : Do you see how this works? That camera phone is her "get out of jail free" card. You have to leave her alone. Treat her like royalty, Mycroft.

  Dr. John Watson : Though not the way *she* treats royalty.

• Mycroft Holmes : We can't fool them now. We've lost everything. One fragment of one e-mail and months and years of planning, finished.

  Sherlock Holmes : Your M.O.D. man.

  Mycroft Holmes : That's all it takes. One lonely, naive man, desperate to show off, and a woman clever enough to make him feel special.

  Sherlock Holmes : You should screen your defense people more carefully.

  Mycroft Holmes : I'm not talking about the M.O.D. man, Sherlock, I'm talking about you! A damsel in distress. In the end, are you really so obvious? Because this was textbook. The promise of love, the pain of loss, the joy of redemption. Then give him a puzzle and watch him dance.

• [Holmes is conferring with Watson from Baker Street, via webcam] 

  Sherlock Holmes : Now, show me the car that backfired.

  Dr. John Watson : It's there.

  Sherlock Holmes : That's the one that made the noise, yes?

  Dr. John Watson : Yeah. If you're thinking gunshot, there wasn't one. He wasn't shot, he was killed by a single blow to the back of the head from a blunt instrument, which then magically disappeared, along with the killer. It's got to be an eight, at least.

  DI Carter : [interjecting]  You've got two more minutes, they want to know more about the driver.

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh, forget him, he's an idiot. Why else would he think himself a suspect?

  DI Carter : *I* think he's a suspect.

  Sherlock Holmes : Pass me over.

  Dr. John Watson : All right, but there's a mute button and I *will* use it.

  Sherlock Holmes : Now, up a bit! I'm not talking from down here!

  Dr. John Watson : [to DI Carter]  Okay, just take it, take it.

  [Carter takes the laptop] 

  Sherlock Holmes : Having driven to an isolated location and successfully committed a crime without a single witness, why would he then call the police and consult a detective? Fair play?

  DI Carter : He's trying to be clever. It's over-confidence.

  Sherlock Holmes : [sighs]  Did you see him? Morbidly obese, the undisguised halitosis of a single man living on his own. The right sleeve of an internet porn addict and the breathing pattern of an untreated heart condition, low self-esteem, tiny IQ, and a limited life expectancy and you think he's an audacious criminal mastermind?

  [looking over his shoulder at the Phil, the driver, sitting behind him] 

  Sherlock Holmes : Don't worry, this is just stupid.

  Phil : What did you say? Heart what?

• Sherlock Holmes : There you are, brother. I hope the contents make up for any inconvenience I may have caused you tonight.

  Mycroft Holmes : I'm certain they will.

  Sherlock Holmes : If feeling kind, lock her up, otherwise let her go. I doubt she'll survive long without her protection.

  Irene Adler : Are you expecting me to beg?

  Sherlock Holmes : Yes.

  Irene Adler : Please. You're right, I won't even last six months.

  Sherlock Holmes : I'm sorry about dinner.

• Molly Hooper : Whose phone is it?

  Sherlock Holmes : A woman's.

  Molly Hooper : Your girlfriend?

  Sherlock Holmes : You think she's my girlfriend because I'm x-raying her possessions?

  Molly Hooper : Well, we all do silly things.

  Sherlock Holmes : [a flash of insight]  Yes. They do, don't they? Very silly.

• [discussing the break-in that occurred at the home of a dominatrix] 

  Sherlock Holmes : I take it you stood down the police investigation into the shooting at her house?

  Mycroft Holmes : How can we do anything while she has the photographs? Our hands are tied!

  Sherlock Holmes : She'd applaud your choice of words.

• Sherlock Holmes : [as John is typing]  No, no, no, don't mention the unsolved ones.

  Dr. John Watson : People want to know you're human.

  Sherlock Holmes : Why?

  Dr. John Watson : Because they're interested.

  Sherlock Holmes : No, they're not... why are they?

  Dr. John Watson : Hm, look at that. One thousand, eight hundred and ninety-five.

  Sherlock Holmes : Sorry, what?

  Dr. John Watson : I reset that counter last night. This blog has had nearly 2,000 hits in the last eight hours. This is your living, Sherlock, not two hundred and forty different types of tobacco ash.

  Sherlock Holmes : [lights a blowtorch]  Two hundred and forty-three.

• [discussing Irene Adler] 

  Sherlock Holmes : There's nothing you can do and nothing she will do, as far as I can see.

  Mycroft Holmes : I can put maximum surveillance on her.

  Sherlock Holmes : Why bother? You can follow her on Twitter. I believe her user name is "The Whip Hand".

• Sherlock Holmes : Coventry.

  Irene Adler : I've never been. Is it nice?

  Sherlock Holmes : Where's John?

  Irene Adler : He went out, a couple hours ago.

  Sherlock Holmes : I was just talking to him.

  Irene Adler : He said you do that.

• Sherlock Holmes : I'll need some equipment, of course.

  Mycroft Holmes : Anything you require, I'll have it sent over.

  Sherlock Holmes : [to the Equrry]  Can I have a box of matches?

  The Equerry : I'm sorry?

  Sherlock Holmes : Or your cigarette lighter, either will do.

  The Equerry : I don't smoke.

  Sherlock Holmes : No, I know *you* don't, but your employer does.

  The Equerry : [hesitates, then hands over the lighter]  We have kept a lot of people successfully in the dark about this little fact, Mr. Holmes.

  The Equerry : I'm not the Commonwealth.

  Dr. John Watson : And that's as modest as he gets. Pleasure to meet you.

• Sherlock Holmes : Well, you're looking all better. How you feeling?

  Neilson : Like putting a bullet in your brain, sir.

• Sherlock Holmes : Vatican cameos!

• [first lines] 

  [during the stand-off over the bomb, Moriarty's mobile rings] 

  Moriarty : [embarrassed]  Do you mind if I get that?

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh, no, please. You've got the rest of your life.

  Moriarty : [answers phone]  Hello?

  [pause] 

  Moriarty : Yes, of course it is. What do you want?

  [He mouths, "sorry." to Sherlock, who mouths back, "Oh, it's fine."] 

  Moriarty : [listens, then shouts]  Say that again!

  [normal voice] 

  Moriarty : Say that again and know that if you're lying to me, I will find you and I will sssskin you.

• Sherlock Holmes : When I say run, run.

• Irene Adler : Mr. Holmes, I think we need to talk.

  Sherlock Holmes : So do I. There are a number of aspects I'm still not quite clear on.

  Irene Adler : [passing Sherlock to get to Mycroft]  Not you, Junior, you're done now.

• Neilson : [to his men]  You two, go to the car.

  Sherlock Holmes : Then get into the car and drive away. Don't try to trick me, you know who I am, it doesn't work.

• Sherlock Holmes : [Sherlock, Mycroft, Watson and Harry are in Buckingham Palace. Sherlock is covered only by a bedsheet]  Mycroft, I don't do anonymous clients. I'm used to mystery at one end of my cases, both ends is too much work. Good morning.

  [He walks away. Mycroft steps on his bedsheet, nearly revealing Sherlock's nakedness] 

  Mycroft Holmes : This is a matter of national importance. Grow up!

  Sherlock Holmes : Get off my sheet!

  Mycroft Holmes : Or what?

  Sherlock Holmes : Or I'll just walk away.

  Mycroft Holmes : I'll let you.

  Dr. John Watson : Boys, not here, please.

  Sherlock Holmes : WHO IS MY CLIENT?

  Mycroft Holmes : Take a look at where you're standing and make a deduction. You are to be engaged by the highest in the land. Now, for God's sake, put your clothes on!

• Jim Moriarty : [Hanging up]  Sorry, wrong day to die.

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh. Did you get a better offer?

• The Equerry : [about Irene Adler]  Will you take the case?

  Sherlock Holmes : What case? Pay her, now and in full. As Miss Adler says in her masthead, know when you are beaten.

• Sherlock Holmes : Oh, for God's sake! "The Speckled Blonde?"

• Sherlock Holmes : Punch me in the face.

  John Watson : Punch you?

  Sherlock Holmes : Yes, punch me in the face. Didn't you hear me?

  John Watson : I always hear 'punch me in the face' when you're speaking - but it's usually sub-text.