- Officer Joe Stubeck: [after shooting zombie in the head] Anybody want a Choco Taco?
- [camera crew man vomits]
- Officer Billy Pierce: Not this guy.
- Sound guy Rodney: [Talking to the UTF officers] I got a few tips that will help you sound better on TV.
- Captain Dashell: Yeah well I've got a tip for you too Rodney, Alright? A little more than tip if you know what I mean. I can show a man what it's like to be a woman.
- Officer Billy Pierce: [after stabbing vampire pimp with a boom pole] You know what they say about boom poles don't you? You never hear em coming.
- [puts on sunglasses CSI Caruso style]
- Captain Dashell: What'd you do in Carefree? You don't look like a golfer.
- Officer Kirsten Landry: Actually I'm a 14 handicap.
- Captain Dashell: Means nothing to a zombie. You gonna kill a zombie with a golf club?
- Officer Kirsten Landry: Err, yeah! you wanna UMPH! destroy the brain, right?
- Captain Dashell: That's exactly right. Shoot em through the eyes, run em over with a truck, crush his head in with a crowbar.
- Officer Kirsten Landry: How's a crowbar different from a golf club?
- Captain Dashell: You ever try to get out of the sand with a crowbar?
- Officer Joe Stubeck: You enjoy lock-up Sofia. I'm gonna go home to my nice warm bed. Which I use for sleeping, not sex. You wanna know why? I'm a happily married man.
- Captain Dashell: [Captain Dashell looks at Kirsten, pretends to press buttons on fax machine, then walks over] How have you been handeling everything we've thrown at you so far?
- Officer Kirsten Landry: Well I've been sitting at my desk for 4 hours
- Captain Dashell: I know that. I've been watching you... Not continually of course.
- Officer Billy Pierce: [In reference to fighting the undead] Do you wanna know why I do it?
- Camera crew guy: Do I have to?
- Officer Billy Pierce: [shows pornographic picture of two women] I do it for them.
- Officer Joe Stubeck: Let me see that! I said I do it for my family!
- Officer Billy Pierce: I've had this JPEG so long it's like they're my family. Technically I guess that makes it incest.
- Captain Dashell: [Sofia walks in] Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite prostitute. I'm kidding, I don't have a favorite prostitute. Not in this country anyway.
- Captain Dashell: [about Kirsten] Now she's a rookie but i'm sure she's no stranger to zombies.
- Officer Kirsten Landry: Actually I've never seen one, in person.
- Captain Dashell: That's alright, it'll only take you about 2 hours around here to pop your cherry huh
- [hits Jon Jon on the shoulder]
- Officer Kirsten Landry: I would love to be up on the beat!
- Captain Dashell: In time Kristen, in time.
- Officer Kirsten Landry: It, it's actually um, it's pronounced Kirsten.
- Captain Dashell: What'd I say?
- Officer Kirsten Landry: Kristen.
- Captain Dashell: Say it your way?
- Officer Kirsten Landry: Kirsten.
- Captain Dashell: Ok I'm gonna be honest, I'm gonna have a little trouble with that. But anyway, Gurstin.
- Officer Joe Stubeck: [Going through Billy's phone] Man Billy's got a lot of porn on this thing.
- Captain Dashell: Inactive glands.
- Officer Joe Stubeck: Here's the part where they tell me to go to Griffith park with the body. Unarmed and alone
- Captain Dashell: Well I guess that's what you gotta do then.
- Officer Joe Stubeck: Seriously?
- Captain Dashell: They say what they'll do if you went there with backup?
- Officer Joe Stubeck: Yeah, they'll kill Billy.
- Captain Dashell: Well there you go then.
- Officer Joe Stubeck: I'm not going in without backup.
- Captain Dashell: Don't be such a girl.
- Officer Joe Stubeck: Alright everybody hands in the air!
- Officer Billy Pierce: [to Sofia] That means you vampire tits.
- Gary the John: This isn't what it looks like. I thought she was just a human prostitute.
- Officer Billy Pierce: [repeats what the John says in mocking voice] What are we in a cow pasture? Cause I smell bullshit.