- Jake Brayburg: Show business can be a cruel mistress, but I just strapped on a ball-gag and am ready to take her for all she's worth.
- Ryan Akers: Hey, can you bring some condoms when you come over, Mitch has been using my to jerk off again.
- Mort: Hey Ernie, I thought the curfew for douche-bags was an hour ago?
- Ernie Lane: Well you were wrong!
- Mort: Touché
- Jake Brayburg: Tomorrow I start looking through the ideas of a true idea man. The world is my peep show and I've got a pocket full of quarters.
- Ernie Lane: Hey Daisy, I didn't know you lived here.
- Daisy Darling: Yeah, I kind of didn't want you to.
- Mitch Faygan: First of all, this bird over here keeps shitting on my car and nobody else's. Secondly, your boyfriend's a nut job.
- Mary: You should use a owl to scare him.
- Mitch Faygan: Ryan loves owls, what's that going to do?
- Mary: I was talking about the bird.