Family Guy (TV Series)

Seahorse Seashell Party (2011)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : Look, the bottom line here Meg is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else.

  Meg Griffin : Oh, my problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my role-model mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the pornstar, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton go to town on her?

  Lois Griffin : [scoffs]  So what? A... all those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences

  Meg Griffin : Are you? Are you a better person?

  Lois Griffin : What's your point, Meg?

  Meg Griffin : My point is that with all the irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, heh, somehow you have the nerve, the arrogance to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings.

  Lois Griffin : Alright, well fine! Okay, I'm not the perfect mother; who is?

  Meg Griffin : [chuckles]  Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the farthest thing from! From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world to, to be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing, and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done NONE of those things! You're my mother and you took a child's trust and smashed it into bits in a seventeen-year long mission to destroy something that you killed a long time ago! And honestly, when I turn eighteen, I... I don't know that I ever want to see you again!

  [Lois' lips quiver, then she cries] 

  Stewie Griffin : [looking at his phone]  Oh, wow, everybody's already Twitting "Stewie Just Said That".

  Lois Griffin : Ugh, you're right. You're right, I'm a terrible mother! I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg! Can you, ever forgive me? Oh, God!

  [Lois sits down in a chair crying as Peter whispers something in Meg's ear] 

  Meg Griffin : And you never let dad stir the paint anymore... whatever that means.

  Peter Griffin : I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up.

• Meg Griffin : You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father.

  Peter Griffin : All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man.

  Meg Griffin : You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh, oh, oh, and when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family! You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it!

  [Peter giggles] 

  Meg Griffin : God, if someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail!

  [Peter laughs again and Meg fake laughs in return] 

  Meg Griffin : Oh, this is amusing to you? Well, see if you find this funny!

  Peter Griffin : I like where this is going.

  Meg Griffin : You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish-Catholic dad who drinks WAY too much, and barely makes enough to support his family! You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it! Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids, and look at us! We're a disaster!

  Stewie Griffin : Meg, watch it.

  Meg Griffin : You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way! Take a good look at yourself Peter Griffin! You're a waste of a man!

  Peter Griffin : Wait a second, these are criticisms! Hey Lois, tell her to knock it off!

  Lois Griffin : Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?

  Peter Griffin : I was thinking about getting a fancy cane, maybe getting more attention from strangers.

• Chris Griffin : Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining.

  Meg Griffin : You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me

  Chris Griffin : HOW AM I A BASTARD?

  Meg Griffin : Oh, you want the whole story?

  Lois Griffin : Meg, please.

  Meg Griffin : Not now, Mom.

  Peter Griffin : [giggles]  I think Brian's getting a little water in there.

  Meg Griffin : Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets?

  Peter Griffin : [giggles]  Still drinkin'.

  Meg Griffin : Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's-Get-Meg" family bandwagon?

  [Brian's lapping stops] 

  Peter Griffin : [disappointed]  Aw.

• Peter Griffin : Oh, hey, I got an idea. Let's have a sing-a-long. Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in.

  [Indiana Jones score plays on his cell phone and Peter hums along until Meg opens a soda can/] 

  Peter Griffin : Dammit, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!

  Meg Griffin : Oh that was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming?

  Lois Griffin : Meg, don't talk to your father like that!

  Chris Griffin : Yeah, shut up, Meg.

  Meg Griffin : No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me!

• Meg Griffin : Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses?

  Chris Griffin : Dad did. Look he has crap on his ear.

  Peter Griffin : That's unrelated.

  Lois Griffin : Chris, I don't like that language.

  Chris Griffin : Well, I don't like your cooking!

  Lois Griffin : Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry!

  Chris Griffin : You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli! It's like an Irish bar fight down there!

  [cutaway to a piece of broccoli and a Brussels sprout fighting] 

• Chris Griffin : WHY DON'T WE EVER GET ANY GOOD FOOD?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe wonder bread.

  Lois Griffin : Well, then go live at Bonnie's house! Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.!

  Peter Griffin : My curiosity peaks in the morning!

  Chris Griffin : You eat all my Dannon yogurts!

  Peter Griffin : I don't see your name on 'em!

  Chris Griffin : You don't even like 'em, but you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em!

  Lois Griffin : You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter

  Meg Griffin : Yeah, that's exactly what he does, 'cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!

  Peter Griffin : You shut up! All of youse!

  [runs upstairs, and then turns to the family with tears in his eyes] 

  Peter Griffin : I didn't ask to be in this family!

  Lois Griffin : [sighs]  I'll go get him.

  [picks up Stewie] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, you come back here!

  Chris Griffin : [shouting at Meg]  I faked all my orgasms!