Family Guy (TV Series)

Tiegs for Two (2011)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire

Photos 

Quotes 

• Glenn Quagmire : This course is in getting laid, not finding love.

  Brian Griffin : So what's the point? If you never find love, then it's just meaningless sex. How will I get the woman of my dreams?

  Glenn Quagmire : Only when you're ready. And maybe not even then. You see, women are a lot like Saturday Night Live sketches Lot's of them are awful, some are decent, and a few are pretty good, But then there's that one. That one woman who's as amazingly perfect as "Massie Head Wound Harry". For me that woman is Cheryl Tiegs.

• Peter Griffin : Hey, Brian... Aw, sweet! Morning drinking! Whoo, yeah! Party!

  Brian Griffin : Peter, I'm not getting drunk for fun. I'm, I'm drinking because I'm sad. Because I'm never going to meet the right woman. Because I'm... going to die old and alone.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, you're Rip Torn drinking.

• Brian Griffin : You only have two white shirts?

  Peter Griffin : Well, I had a third one, but it got ruined at that wine tasting at Michael J. Fox's house.

  [Scene cuts to Peter against a black background.] 

  Peter Griffin : Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. Now, we *were* going to show you the actual scene, but it... it would just make us all sad. So, ah, I'm just gonna tell you what happened. See, he has this disease, and it makes him shake a Iot, and what with all the shakin', he spilled his wine all over my shirt, and my shirt, er, was ruined. So, that's what that was. Um, I mean, he was very nice about it. He said, "Send me the bill." I mean, that's not how he said it, ah, but y'know, we got there. Anyway, I sent him the bill, and he sent me this check...

  [shows a cheque with indiscernible scribbles written all over it] 

  Peter Griffin : But, uh, it's... I don't, I don't think, I don't think I'm gonna be able to cash this. Um, I don't... you'd, you'd think Tracy Pollan would be in charge of the checkbook, y'know? 'Cause I mean, what else is she doing right now? I mean, I don't think he's got the leverage to Rita Wilson her around town anymore. I mean, that's... that's where it's gotten. So, anyway, that's what happened to my shirt. I'm glad we took the high road on this one.

  [responding to someone offscreen] 

  Peter Griffin : W-what's that? Oh, wait, now they're telling me they do wanna show it.

  [Scene cuts to Peter about to drink a glass of wine at a party. Michael J. Fox walks by, shaking violently while holding a tray of full wine glasses.] 

  Peter Griffin : I really like the finish on this Shiraz...

  [Fox accidentally lets the wine spill over Peter and the glasses crash to the ground.] 

  Peter Griffin : Son of a bitch! What is your problem?

• [Peter picking up clothes at dry cleaners] 

  Mr. Washee-Washee : That twenty dollar.

  Peter Griffin : Hey, I think you forgot my shirt.

  Mr. Washee-Washee : There no shirt.

  Peter Griffin : No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again?

  Mr. Washee-Washee : No need check. I no have your shirt.

  Peter Griffin : Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt.

  Mr. Washee-Washee : I no have your shirt.

  Peter Griffin : You yes have my shirt!

  Mr. Washee-Washee : You get out my store!

  Peter Griffin : You get me shirt!

  Mr. Washee-Washee : You go or I call police!

  Peter Griffin : You no dare call police!

  Mr. Washee-Washee : Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911!

  Peter Griffin : Fine! I go, but this no over. I take picture of Ang Lee.

  Mr. Washee-Washee : Good! He do too many white people movie anyway!

• Glenn Quagmire : Look at the man on the unicycle with the parrot on his shoulder. Hey-ho, put five cents in the hat.

  Cheryl Tiegs : That's quite a skill you've got there.

  Glenn Quagmire : Well, ever since I got discharged from the Navy, I'll do anything I can to make money. I'm thinking about getting my pilot's license.